A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Toilet script
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Listen

Tim Russell: This if Fred Farrell. —If the big environmentalist in your home talked you into getting a low-flow toilet to save water, you know what it's like to stand there and deal with a clogged toilet just because you used three panels of toilet paper instead of one. Heck with it. Call up your plumber and tell him to get that wimpy toilet out and put in a Mega Flow 3000, from Move it Along Dot Com. (HUGE FLUSH)

The Mega Flow 3000 can handle anything you throw at it-cigarette butts (SCHLUP), paper recycling (SHREDDING), old bike tires (SPLAT), turkey carcasses (SPLAT), and old college notebooks (SLOSH). Part toilet, part garbage disposal, part threshing machine, and 100% awesome, the Mega Flow 3000 uses a 16-horsepower engine, (REVVING), rotating blades (WHIRRING), napalm (BOOM) and 175 gallons of water per flush (SURGING RAPIDS). Just do your business, pick up the sledgehammer and hit the lever (SWING, WHAM, DING, ENGINE REV, WHIRR, BOOM, FLUSH), and it's out of there. The Mega Flow 3000 (HUGE FLUSH).