Saturday, March 19, 2005

Garrison Keillor: You did really well in your junior year at Mt. Idy high school (SS: Your paper on "The Loss of Innocence in Eminem" was excellent, James.) and you were captain of the tennis team (TENNIS) and on the day of your SATs you ate some nutmeg cookies that made you terrifically alert (BUGLE CHARGE) and that's how you came to enroll this fall at prestigious Worcestershire College in Bunbridge, Connecticut, a college so exclusive, they have an unlisted dean's list. (TK: Wow. I can't believe it. Worcestershire.), with more flying buttresses per square mile than any other college in America (TR BRIT: Welcome to Worcestershire, sir.) and there you are, little Jimmy Gatz from North Dakota, surrounded by people with six names (TR: Edward Thomas Frostington Larimore Higginthomas Bigbottom), the academically challenged children of financially gifted parents, and they know so much you don't , like fox-hunting (HORN, HOUNDS, GALLOPING HOOVES) and martini making (SHAKER) and speaking with an upper-crust accent that cannot be understood by Midwesterners (TR RICH GUY TALK) and they get a big kick out of your midwestern accent (TR: Say MELK, Jimmy! Listen to this, guys. He says, MELK. Hahahahaha) but one girl is kind to you (SS: Hi), a girl with auburn hair in a white angora sweater (HEART POUNDING) and to impress her, you take part in ping-pong games (SFX) and shoot pinball (SFX) and air hockey (SFX) and drink quarts of beer (BELCH) and gradually your day gets turned around so you go to sleep around 10am and wake up just in time for the chipped beef dinner (SQUOSH) in the cafeteria, and suddenly it's November and you go to physics class after a few weeks' absence and (TR: The angle of incidence equals the angle of reflection...into GERMAN) it's like a foreign language. You go to English and that's like a foreign language, too. (SS: The androcentrist transformation of social subsets in Moby Dick employs a viable commonality of biological essentialism in the context of affirmative depolarization of gender scripts.) (TK: Gosh. I thought it was about a fish!) and before you know it, your grades are (TK FALLING) --- yes, going over the cliff, and the dean calls you in for a meeting (TK JOWLY MAN) and your parents call up on the phone (SS WEEPING ON PHONE) and finally the college chaplain comes to visit you (TR: Eternal Father Who didst create the human brain, show mercy, we beseech Thee, on this former student as he departs this world and (FADE) embarks on his journey through…) and you're given twenty minutes to move out (CLOCK) and then you and your clothing are removed from the dormitory by a large fork lift (SFX) which drops you on the curb (TK FALLING. CRASH OF TRASH) and you still owe Worcestershire College a great deal of money and so you have to take a job at the Transnational Hut of Waffles washing dishes (DISHWASHER) and that day while you're carrying a ten-gallon jug of blueberry syrup you slip (TK ALARM, AND CRASH OF CHINA) and you fall into a table (CRASH) where she is sitting (SS: Hi), the girl who smiled at you once. Her auburn hair, her white cashmere sweater… disappear under a tidal wave of syrup (VISCOUS SPLOOSH). (THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a slice of rhubarb pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

But one little thing can revive a guy,
And that is home-made rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot.
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb,
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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