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Fritz Electronics script
Saturday, April 9, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: If you ride the subway, you know that the newer subway cars have electronic voices that are so much more more polite than the live announcements on the older trains.
(DING DONG of DOORS OPENING)
Fred Newman: (ANGRY SHOUTING ON LOUDSPEAKER) Let 'em out let 'em out let 'em out let 'em out! Let the passengers off the train before you get on the train! Let 'em off first!
GK: Whereas the newer trains sound like this
(DING DONG of DOORS OPENING)
Tim Russell: (ROBOTIC, POLITE) To better serve all passengers, please let passengers leave the train before you enter. Thank you for riding with the MTA, New York City Transit.
GK: On older trains, you'd hear announcements like this:
FN: (ANGRY SHOUTING ON LOUDSPEAKER) The train is stopped in the tunnel and don't ask me why because I don't know why — I'm only the conductor! It's dark down here! I can't see anything! (CLICK)
GK: And the newer trains:
TR: (ROBOTIC, POLITE) Ladies and gentlemen. We apologize for the unavoidable delay. Your New York City Transit system knows that you have a choice when it comes to transit and we are honored that you've chosen us. We will do all within our power to get you to your destination swiftly and safely. And thank you for your patience.
GK: See the difference? If there's too much shouting and anger in your home, maybe Fritz Electronics' voice technology can make things smoother—
Sue Scott: (RECORDED, POLITE) The bathroom is a very important room in the house. Others are waiting for their turn to use it, so please limit your shower to 10 minutes. Non-essentials like lotion or astringent may be applied in the bedroom. Thank you.
GK: Stressful situations are made less so, thanks to electronics.
SS (RECORDED, POLITE): Dinner is on the table and waiting for your arrival. Please come as soon as possible, after washing your hands. I hope you have a pleasant mealtime experience. This message will repeat in thirty seconds.
GK: Instead of screaming and threatening people, you simply press a button.
TR (RECORDED, POLITE): Welcome to our home. If you are a friend of Josh or Jessica, and have arrived for a social occasion, please go to the basement area which is provided for that purpose. For quality assurance your party may be monitored by a third party. We know you have a choice when it comes to party locations, and we are honored by your choice of our home. Just to remind you that the house will close at midnight. Have a pleasant evening and please keep your clothing on your person at all times.
GK: That's the Electronic Voice, from Fritz Electronics. Technology that works for you, not against you.
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