Snake Script
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor: The Great Dismal Swamp is just south of us, so if you come to Norfolk, be sure to bring your snakebite kit with bicycle pump (PUMPING) to draw the venom out of your arm or your leg or wherever the snake has bit you — probably your foot, since its a water moccasin — although they do sometimes drop out of the trees, so you might want to bring a helmet — here's a rattlesnake trying to hit a guy in a helmet (RATTLE, STRIKE, BWANG OF FANGS) — frustrating to the snake (SNAKE REPEATEDLY HISSING, STRIKIG) and he goes after the plastic face mask (HISSING, STRIKING PLASTIC) and what the helmet does is buy time — so the man can reach into his pocket for his mongoose (SFX) and the mongoose chases the snake off (SFX) — unless it's a coral snake (SS, TR, PJ, GK: HUM CHORD) — to fight off a coral snake you have to sing sharp (FN) and grab its organ (HONK). Snakes are an ever-present danger across the south, so be alert. Don't be lulled by the pleasant weather. (SNORING) Sleeping outdoors is never a good idea. (SNORING) You sit with your mouth wide open and that is an invitation to snakes to come in and lay their eggs. If you should awaken with a sour taste in your mouth (REACTION), that could be snake eggs. What can you do? Not much. Wait for the eggs to hatch in about 60 days and then sit on a block of ice. That doesn't kill them but it slows them down when they emerge.

Snakes. (SFX) How many people suffer snakebites every year in this part of Virginia? It's hard to tell. Sometimes you can't find bite marks, it's only a logy feeling, or a feeling of gloominess, a sense of indirection in life — these are all symptoms — and the best treatment — a cold shower. (SHIVERING) Or if you can't do it, just come to Minnesota. In Minnesota, we can get you over your snakebite in one minute. Just jump in that lake. (FN: That lake?) That lake. (FN: There's ice on it.) Thin ice. You'll go right through. (FN: I can't.) Okay, I'll push you. (FN CRY OF ALARM, CRUNCH AND SPLASH, SHRIEK OF CHILL) — Minnesota. A therapeutic place to visit. It's eleven steps from here to the end of the dock, so it's a twelve-step recovery program. (SPLASH)