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Siding script
Saturday,
May 7, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: We're in the Corn Palace in Mitchell, a building that led the way in the development of corn as a building material. And now genetically-engineered corn siding can give your home a whole new look. It's weather-resistant, lab-tested, economical, and it comes in fourteen different shades of yellow. But don't take my word for it, let's test it right here on stage. Fred Newman, our stage carpenter, is going to start up his circular saw (SFX) and cut through a length of regular wood siding. (SAW THROUGH WOOD) Very good. And now he's going to cut through a piece of corn siding. (SAME SFX) See? The consistency is just like wood. Now he's going to hammer the wood siding into place with this air hammer. (SFX) And now he's going to hammer in the corn siding. (SAME SFX) Good. Now, using his karate skills, Fred is going to kick the corn siding... (SHOUT, AND KICK, AND KONK). Not a crack, not a dent. And now he administers a kick to the wood siding. (SHOUT, AND KICK, AND KRRUNCH) You see how vulnerable your home is? Let's stress this corn siding even farther— let's bring in this jackhammer and go at it. (SFX) Not a scratch. — Let's bring in this helicopter (SFX) and try to pull the corn siding off the wall. (CHOPPER REVS UP) The siding bends but it does not break. Okay, let's bring in this raccoon and see if he's going to go at it. (RACCOON GRUNTS, SNIFFS) No, he's not interested. A raccoon-proof home. Let's bring in these big crows and blackbirds — (SFX) a bird known to have corn-dependency problems but — (SFX) they're not going for the corn siding. It also repels ants and termites, locusts. So head for your local lumber yard and building materials center right now, and ask them about corn siding. It's from Mitchell, home of the Corn Palace.
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