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Bush script
Saturday, May 28, 2005
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(SFX: TRAFFIC PASSING, HORNS, PEDESTRIAN VOICES, FOOTSTEPS)
Tim Russell (BUSH): Beautiful day today. One thing you can say for Washington: it sure does get pretty in the spring. Nice to see people smiling, feeling good — kids in the park, tearing around. Mornin!
Sue Scott (OFF, KID): Good morning—
TR (BUSH): You a Nationals fan?
SS (OFF, KID): You bet!
TR (BUSH): Way to go! Hope they win a few. (HIS FOOTSTEPS RESUME) Nice looking kid. Polite and everything. Only reason to get messed up in politics — do something for the kids. Mornin' there—
Garrison Keillor: Good morning! (FOOTSTEPS PASSING)
TR (BUSH): Been a long time since I been out for a walk like this. Gotta do this more often. —— Wait a minute. — I'm alone. — What's goin on here? That man didn't even seem to recognize me.
Fred Newman (BUM): Hey mister? You got some spare change? I lost my underwear and I gotta go buy some so I can get me a job.
TR (BUSH): Okay. — Look me in the face, though.
FN (BUM): Yeah?
TR (BUSH): You know me? Ever see me before? On television maybe?
FN (BUM): I don't think so.
TR (BUSH): Making a State of the Union address to the nation?
FN (BUM): No—
TR (BUSH): Does this ring a bell — "nucular"? Huh? Nucular——
FN (BUM): Doesn't ring a bell.
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR (BUSH): This is, I believe, what we might call a major crisis. Either someone is going to recognize me, in which case I might have to defend myself against physical assault, or else nobody will recognize me, in which case I might have been insane for the past five years. Hello?
SS (TEEN): Yeah, what can I do for you?
TR (BUSH): How about a coffee?
SS (TEEN): Menu's up there —
TR (BUSH): A latte. A big one.
SS (TEEN): You got it. (ESPRESSO SEQUENCE)
TR (BUSH): Mind if I look at your newspaper?
SS (TEEN): (OFF) Be my guest.
TR (BUSH): (TO HIMSELF) Dang. Lot of stuff in there. — Guantanamo.......what's that all about? That's in Cuba, right? How come they're writing about that? Ought to be a picture of me in here somewhere. (TURNING PAGES) Don't see it. Dang. — How long you lived in Washington?
SS (TEEN): All my life. Why?
TR (BUSH): You ever see the President before?
SS (TEEN): Naw. The motorcades always go off that way.
TR (BUSH): What would you tell him if you did see him?
SS (TEEN): Probably give him the finger.
TR (BUSH): Oh. Just like my daughters.
SS (TEEN): What?
TR (BUSH): Nothing.
SS (TEEN): Worst president in the history of the country, if you ask me.
TR (BUSH): Oh, I wouldn't go that far. There was Nixon. Warren Harding. Calvin Coolidge. Nobody ever accused him of being that smart. What you got against the President?
SS (TEEN): Don't get me started. Here's your coffee. (BEEP OF SCANNER) Three twenty-five.
TR (BUSH): What'd you just do to that cup of coffee?
SS (TEEN): I scanned it.
TR (BUSH): You what?
SS (TEEN): It's a scanner. We use it to determine the price. Which is three twenty-five.
TR (BUSH): Three dollars and twenty-five cents? For coffee?
SS (TEEN): You got it.
TR (BUSH): Oh my gosh. Heh heh heh heh. I forgot. I don't have any money on me.
SS (TEEN): You what?
TR (BUSH): I don't carry a billfold. Billfold makes you sit crooked. I always had somebody with me carrying the money, but I don't see him around.
SS (TEEN): You came up here and ordered a cup of coffee and you didn't have any money on you????
TR (BUSH): I've had an awful lot on my mind lately.
SS (TEEN): You are weird, you know that? You really gross me out.
TR (BUSH): Have yourself a good day there. (FOOTSTEPS) Dang it. I gotta think this thing through. Guards at the White House gate probably aren't gonna recognize me either. I've got no money to even place a phone call. Laura's off in Egypt somewhere. God knows where the girls are. Might take folks at the office a few days to realize that I'm missing. Where am I going to go? What do I have to do to get people's attention? (SHOUTS) Hey, it's me out here. Open up the gate! It's your president!! Out here on the sidewalk!!!
FN (COP): Hey you! In the suit!
TR (BUSH): You talking to me?
FN (COP): Yeah. Away from the fence.
TR (BUSH): Okay, okay.
FN (COP): Break it up now.
TR (BUSH): Yes sir. No problem. — Is the President there today?
FN (COP): How should I know? Move it.
TR (BUSH): Yes, sir. (FOOTSTEPS) I could always go back to Texas, I guess. Hitchhike. Probably wind up having to steal something to eat. What would Jesus do? Perform a miracle, I suppose. I already tried that with supply-side economics. Didn't work. (HURDY GURDY APPROACHING) Hi there. Cute monkey you got there. What's his name?
SS (DEEP): Kendrick.
TR (BUSH): Interesting. What's your name?
SS (DEEP): Chantilly.
TR (BUSH): Okay. Anything else on your mind?
SS: Nope.
TR (BUSH): Well— nice talking to you. (HURDY GURDY FADES, FOOTSTEPS) Maybe I oughta head home. Country might be better off. Everything I touch, somehow it just goes bad. War — thought it was going to be a cakewalk, now they're saying we'll be there six or seven years at least. No telling how it's going to come out. Economy — things start to improve and then it slips back. Dollar is sinking like a stone. Damn evangelicals breathing down my neck, yanking my chain. That whole Schiavo business. Boy, who was calling the signals on that one? Hello! Ever hear about approval ratings??? I ought to take a look at their stem cells. Not sure they have any. I'm going back to Texas.
TR (BUSH SR.): Well, isn't this a coincidence — I was just out for a walk — thinking exercise — thinking cardiovascular — and here I run into you. Good morning.
TR (BUSH): Morning, Dad.
TR (BUSH SR.): Just reading in the paper about Laura — good job there in the Middle East— heck of an ambassadress — Madame Ambassador, whatever you want to call it — that whole meet and greet thing.
TR (BUSH): Say, Dad— if I could ask you a question—
TR (BUSH SR): Anything at all. Fire away. Old No. 41, here to help. You name it.
TR (BUSH): Something happened and I wandered away from the office and nobody around here seems to recognize me. I get up real close in people's faces, and they don't know that it's me. It's real strange. Cop told me to get away from the fence. How do I get back in?
TR (CLINTON): You want me to talk to em for you? They all know me.
TR (BUSH): Hey! Scared me. What are you doing here, Clinton?
TR (CLINTON): Me and your dad, we like to come down here and hang out, feed the squirrels, shoot the breeze.
TR (BUSH SR): All of the Presidents — right here — all of em — look around — quite the deal.
TR (REAGAN): I imagine that you would remember me, George. I knew you when you were still kind of — well, kind of wild. We used to find things in the guest bedrooms when you came to visit.
TR (BUSH): Good to see you again, sir.
TR (LINCOLN, HENRY FONDAESQUE): Lincoln's my name. Abe Lincoln. From Illinois, Mr. Bush. Haven't seen you down at my Memorial lately. I was there when the Republican Party got started you know. Nowadays you're more like the old Federalists.
TR (WASHINGTON): (BAD TEETH) I am very pleased to meet you, Mr. Bush.
TR (LINCOLN): This is George Washington— he knows something about terrorists - he had to deal with the British.
TR (WASHINGTON): (BAD TEETH) First in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of my countrymen.
TR (BUSH): I'm just lookin for some advice here. I don't know what the heck I gotta do to get people's attention.
TR (CLINTON): Well, I could tell you how to get attention but I wouldn't really recommend it.
TR (REAGAN): You just go and do what you think is best, son. And don't work too hard. Don't overdo it. Get plenty of rest.
TR (BUSH): Get plenty of rest......get plenty of rest.......get plenty of rest......Get plenty of rest.
FN: Mr. President.....
TR (BUSH): Huh? What? Who is it?
FN: Six o'clock, Mr.President.
TR (BUSH): Oh, right. Good. (YAWNS)
FN: Brought you coffee and your news digest.
TR (BUSH): Good. Thank you. I had the most incredible dream.
FN: Was it the one about the dog on the roller coaster?
TR (BUSH): No, it was a different one.
FN: Anyway Mrs. Bush is on the phone from Cairo.
TR (BUSH): Oh. Good. Thank you. (PICK UP PHONE) Hi there, puppylips. How you doin with the Pharaohs? Huh? (HE TALKS, FADING, UNDER THEME OF 'HAIL TO THE CHIEF')
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