A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Bowl script
Saturday, June 4, 2005


Garrison Keillor: We're at the Hollywood Bowl and for those of you who've never seen it, it's amazing. First of all, there is bowling here. (SFX, BALL ROLL, CRASH OF PINS) The original bowling alley, which is right below the stage, thirty-six lanes. And there is badminton (SFX) and tennis (SFX) and ping pong (SFX) and a lot of other recreational activities, because — face it — you do a show in Hollywood, these people have seen shows before — it's not like in Minnesota where people sit and watch the whole thing — here in Hollywood, people watch for the first five minutes and then they get it and that leaves an hour fifty-five for them to fill with other things — so many of the folks in the audience are exercising (RUNNING FEET, TREADMILL) as they watch — the box seats here come with treadmills and weights (WEIGHT MACHINE) and up in the cheap seats they're doing yoga — and of course each seats has DSL and wireless networking (SFX) — you can't put on a show in LA without offering your patrons DSL — though most of the audience is not here actually — they come for the start of the show and then they Get It and if they like they can press a button (HUM) and they are lowered to a shopping level just below and replaced with a holographic image of themselves (LASER EFFECT) that claps and laughs — sometimes it laughs — there, it laughed — and when they're done shopping, valet parking delivers their cars (CAR SPEEDS, BRAKES, STOPS) and they take off to their luxury homes on high hills overlooking the Pacific (SURF, GULLS) and they take off their clothing (SFX) and walk naked across the patio (BAREFEET) and across the grass (BAREFEET), them and their wolfhound Boris (WOOF) and they pause for a moment — (GULLS, LOW GRINDING SOUND) — what is that low grinding sound? (FAINT LOW GRINDING SOUND) Oh well. Probably just a landslide or something. — and they walk, naked and beautiful and shimmering out to the end of the diving board, and they turn around and prepare to do a backward 2 and a half gainer with a reverse pike — (LOW GRINDING SOUND), and they hear that sound again, but they make the dive— (DIVING BOARD, SOUND OF PHYSICAL EFFORT, CLEAN SPLASH IN WATER) — and the vibration of the board somehow triggers (CRACKING, CRUNCHING) a little shifting of their ten-million-dollar home, it is now less of a rectangle, more of a trapezoid, but that's not the big problem, the problem is the dog (WOOF), a Russian dog (RUSSIAN WOOF), a dog of true socialist tendencies is amused at their concern (DOG CHUCKLES), puts his paw on the Jacuzzi switch and turns it on (VIOLENT WATER SPLASHING, BIG WATER JETS) and he turns it up to High, and the water is shaking you like a mixed drink and you're tumbling naked in the water, and the dog won't let you out (DOG SNARL) — and now the news choppers come in (CHOPPERS) and take live footage of you naked in the pool and the throb of the rotors makes your house shift a little more — and that's what awaits our audience here, but they don't know that yet, they have no idea, so why worry them— they're having fun. (RUNNING TREADMILL) Exercising and doing e-mail and shopping. Good to have you with us at the Hollywood Bowl.


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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