Ketchup script
Saturday, June 4, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ...after this message from the Ketchup Advisory Board. (PIANO)

Sue Scott: These are the good years for Jim and me. The kids are on their own, in treatment programs, and according to their therapists, their unblinking violent rage is almost gone and they're both doing well in art class and their paintings aren't all black anymore. They're starting to use some pinks and greens too. Jim had an accident at work — he fell asleep and banged his head on a computer terminal and thanks to very generous health benefits for middle management, he got three weeks' leave, which made it possible for us to fly to Los Angeles and arrange a funeral for Jim's Aunt Esther who died ten years ago and, by her own wishes, was kept frozen at the Burbank Resurrection Medical Center, in hopes that a cure could be found for death by accidental overdose of Crest White Strips.

Tim Russell: Aunt Esther came to L.A. to get into movies and instead she got into plants. She sold ferns to the stars.

SS: I wonder why she wanted to be kept frozen.

TR: Nostalgia for Minnesota, probably.

SS: It sure was expensive.

TR: That's why I got the lawyer to go to court and break the will. So we could still collect some of the estate.

SS: How much is left?

TR: About a half-million.

SS: She made a half-million selling plants to the stars????

TR: They were the kind of plants you smoke.

SS: Oh. I see. — (ORGAN) — What's that???? The lights are dimming. The coffin is closing. — A robot is coming out.

TR: It's a computerized funeral, Barb. Shhhhh.

Leo Kottke: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember our (Prudence Johnson: Aunt), our (PJ: Sister), and our very good (PJ: Friend) (Fred Newman: Esther...JOHNSON). When we think back on (FN: Esther's) life, truly we can say, as (PJ: Eleanor FN: Roosevelt) once said, "I would rather light one candle than curse the (PJ: Darkness)." And truly (FN: Esther) was one who lit many candles. She was one who, in the words of (PJ: Henry FN: David PJ: Thoreau), marched to a different (DRUMS)...She was one who, like (PJ: Winnie the Pooh), sought out the honey of life. We read in Scripture that when this (FN: corruptible) shall put on the (PJ: Incorruptible) and when (FN: those who sleep) shall (PJ: awaken)...then ...over the (FN: river) and through the (FN: woods) to grandmother's house we go...my father can play (FN: dominoes) better than your (PJ: father) can play (BAGPIPE, AMAZING GRACE) ...

SS: Jim, I think something's broken— why is the robot walking toward us...

TR: Back!! Back!!!! (BAGPIPES CONTINUE)

SS: He's walking toward the window—

TR: Stop!!! Stop!!!! (CRASH OF WINDOW BREAKAGE, BAGPIPE GRINDS TO HALT) (BRIDGE)

SS: We finally got Aunt Esther put to rest in the Hearts of Palm mausoleum and we took the money and headed back home.

TR: Have a good time in California?

SS: Well, it was different, I'll say that.

TR: Nice people, but—

SS: They sure could use a little more ketchup.

TR: You can say that again. (MUSIC)

Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times, the fruit is getting ripe
Time to take it easy, sit and smoke your pipe,
Life is flowing, like ketchup on your tripe.