A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Marriage script
Saturday, June 11, 2005

Garrison Keillor: ...Congratulations to the Class of 2005 and now that you're done with school, you're ready to get married to somebody and have a whole bunch of kids, so let's start planning your honeymoon. Many people go to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, of course — (WATERFALL, BOAT HORN) and it is exciting —

Sue Scott: Oh, Todd. Todd, Todd, Todd— light of my life, I adore you, you're the wind beneath my wings, today we begin our life's journey together, best friends, lovers—

Tim Russell: ... my soul mate, heart of my heart, flesh of my flesh, mother of my children, my best friend, my lover—

SS: Wait, wait, wait, — hold on —Mother of whose children? What is that about?

TR: I thought we were going to start a family—

SS: You're a moron, Todd. I'd no sooner have children than I'd convert to Mormonism. You're fabulously rich, Todd, and we're going to buy a six million dollar apartment in Manhattan and start living the good life.

TR: But Lindsay—

SS: I don't care what you think I said, Todd. I'm slim and beautiful and I intend to stay that way. No kids. (SIRENS) What's going on? It's the cops!

Fred Newman (ON DISTANT MEGAPHONE): Hold it right there!!!

TR: Uh oh.

SS: What's wrong?

TR: I embezzled a hundred grand from the corporate account, Lindsay. We're going to have to jump.

SS: Jump????!!!!

TR: Into the river!!!

SS: Are you nuts?

TR: It's okay. Go in feet first. We'll be fine.

FN (ON MEGAPHONE): Hold it right there-we know what you did.

TR: Hold my hand—one, two three—


GK: When you take your honeymoon alongside a 170-foot waterfall, then you can bet your marriage is in for some drama. Why not come to Cuyahoga Falls instead? Cuyahoga Falls also drops 170-feet but it's a gradual decline. Just like a good marriage.


SS: How you doing?

TR: Not too bad.

SS: Is that that shirt I bought you last week?

TR: I don't know.

SS: It sure looks like it. It looks nice on you. How do you like it?

TR: It's okay.

SS: You can return it if you don't like it.

TR: It's okay.

GK: A gradual honeymoon waterfall sets more realistic expectations for marriage.

SS: Did you remember to turn off the air conditioner when we left?

TR: It's on a timer. Everything is all set.

SS: I've got to paint the bathroom when I get back. You want white? Kind of an off-white?

TR: Off-white is fine.

SS: You wouldn't rather have wallpaper?

TR: No.

SS: We could have wallpaper if you want.

TR: White is fine.

SS: You'd rather have white than off-white?

TR: They're both good.

GK: If you had 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen at your wedding, and an ice sculpture maybe Niagara Falls is right for you. But if you had a justice of the peace in a public park and domestic champagne out of Dixie cups maybe you should think about a honeymoon in Cuyahoga Falls.

TR: Well. Now we can say we've seen Cuyahoga Falls.

SS: Yep, that's true. Did you get a picture?

TR: Yep. What do you want to do now?

SS: Head for home and get that bathroom wallpapered.

TR: You want wallpaper?

SS: It looks better.

GK: Cuyahoga Falls. It's the realistic honeymoon. For romance that endures.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

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