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A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Marriage script
Saturday, June 11, 2005
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Garrison Keillor: ...Congratulations to the Class of 2005 and now that you're done with school, you're ready to get married to somebody and have a whole bunch of kids, so let's start planning your honeymoon. Many people go to Niagara Falls for their honeymoon, of course — (WATERFALL, BOAT HORN) and it is exciting —

Sue Scott: Oh, Todd. Todd, Todd, Todd— light of my life, I adore you, you're the wind beneath my wings, today we begin our life's journey together, best friends, lovers—

Tim Russell: ... my soul mate, heart of my heart, flesh of my flesh, mother of my children, my best friend, my lover—

SS: Wait, wait, wait, — hold on —Mother of whose children? What is that about?

TR: I thought we were going to start a family—

SS: You're a moron, Todd. I'd no sooner have children than I'd convert to Mormonism. You're fabulously rich, Todd, and we're going to buy a six million dollar apartment in Manhattan and start living the good life.

TR: But Lindsay—

SS: I don't care what you think I said, Todd. I'm slim and beautiful and I intend to stay that way. No kids. (SIRENS) What's going on? It's the cops!

Fred Newman (ON DISTANT MEGAPHONE): Hold it right there!!!

TR: Uh oh.

SS: What's wrong?

TR: I embezzled a hundred grand from the corporate account, Lindsay. We're going to have to jump.

SS: Jump????!!!!

TR: Into the river!!!

SS: Are you nuts?

TR: It's okay. Go in feet first. We'll be fine.

FN (ON MEGAPHONE): Hold it right there-we know what you did.

TR: Hold my hand—one, two three—

(SS AND TR JUMP, SCREAM, SHOTS FIRE, SPLASH, PADDLING, WATERFALL)

GK: When you take your honeymoon alongside a 170-foot waterfall, then you can bet your marriage is in for some drama. Why not come to Cuyahoga Falls instead? Cuyahoga Falls also drops 170-feet but it's a gradual decline. Just like a good marriage.

(GURGLING WATERFALL)

SS: How you doing?

TR: Not too bad.

SS: Is that that shirt I bought you last week?

TR: I don't know.

SS: It sure looks like it. It looks nice on you. How do you like it?

TR: It's okay.

SS: You can return it if you don't like it.

TR: It's okay.

GK: A gradual honeymoon waterfall sets more realistic expectations for marriage.

SS: Did you remember to turn off the air conditioner when we left?

TR: It's on a timer. Everything is all set.

SS: I've got to paint the bathroom when I get back. You want white? Kind of an off-white?

TR: Off-white is fine.

SS: You wouldn't rather have wallpaper?

TR: No.

SS: We could have wallpaper if you want.

TR: White is fine.

SS: You'd rather have white than off-white?

TR: They're both good.

GK: If you had 8 bridesmaids and 8 groomsmen at your wedding, and an ice sculpture maybe Niagara Falls is right for you. But if you had a justice of the peace in a public park and domestic champagne out of Dixie cups maybe you should think about a honeymoon in Cuyahoga Falls.

TR: Well. Now we can say we've seen Cuyahoga Falls.

SS: Yep, that's true. Did you get a picture?

TR: Yep. What do you want to do now?

SS: Head for home and get that bathroom wallpapered.

TR: You want wallpaper?

SS: It looks better.

GK: Cuyahoga Falls. It's the realistic honeymoon. For romance that endures.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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