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A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Guy Noir script
Saturday, June 11, 2005
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(DARK THEME)

Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions — Guy Noir, Private Eye --

(THEME UNDER)

Garrison Keillor: It was June, a month when a guy ought to be taking it easy, relaxing in a boat with a pole and a bucket of Cheese Whiz for bait and listening to the ballgame on the radio, but instead I was trying to find a lost dog—

TR: He's a good dog, Mr. Noir. In fact, he's a Baptist dog. I've trained him to be able to smell iniquity. He can look up Bible verses in less than twenty seconds — even the minor prophets.....like Hosea and Obadiah. And he has the gift of healing.

GK: You've taught him to heal?

TR: We have.

GK: What's the dog's name, sir?

TR: Luke.

GK: I see.

TR: He started out to be Mark, but when we called out Mark, he'd stop and do it. On a tree. So we changed it to Luke.

GK: And where was the dog last seen?

TR: He was boarding a flight to Cleveland, Ohio.

GK: Cleveland. I see.

TR: He'd bought the ticket online using my credit card. It was the first time he'd ever stolen anything. But it was my fault. I trimmed his nails and that allowed him to type on the keyboard.

GK: Of course.

TR: One more thing, Mr. Noir.

GK: What's that, sir?

TR: The computer showed that he'd spent a lot of time at the website of Omaha Sheraton.

GK: Omaha Sheraton, huh?

TR: A friend of Paris Hilton.

GK: I'm familiar with Miss Sheraton. The 19-year-old punk banjo goddess— been in four bands — Carnivorous Fruit Bats, Major Chlorine Spill, Demented Fugitives, and Anthrax Seasoning — each of which broke up after three weeks and went into treatment.

TR: Now she's with a band called Banjo Malfunction. The music is loud enough to kill grass and during the show she flies on a trapeze out over the audience hitting people—

GK: Hitting people???

TR: Hitting them and spitting on them.

GK: What kind of an upbringing is that?

TR: And at the end she lights her banjo on fire and goes to her hotel and throws sofas out the window.

GK: My gosh. Some people's children. No wonder the tabloids are having a field day. (BRIDGE) I got on a plane for Cleveland and I sat in seat 24E between a large man who put his head on my shoulder and slept (SNORING) and a woman with a cat on her lap (HISSING, SNARLING) and somehow the stress did something to my lower back — and when I went to get off the plane (GK PAIN) — I felt a sharp pain in my lower back and had to lie in the aisle as people stepped over me (SERIES OF EXCUSE ME, PARDON ME, SORRY, YOU OKAY? WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?) and when everyone else was off, they took me off on a stretcher (VOICES OF EMTs) and put me on a helicopter (CHOPPER) that took me to the Cleveland Emergency Chiropractic — (VOICE OF ORDERLIES) where I was hoisted up by my ankles (HOIST)—

Sue Scott: Mr. Noir, I'm Dr. Jane Smith, I'll be taking care of you today.

GK: Thank you.

SS: Are you in pain, Mr. Noir?

GK: I am, as a matter of fact, in excruciating pain, Dr. Smith.

SS: I'm going to twist your spine slightly, Mr. Noir. Take a deep breath. Now release it (SPINE CRACKING). (PAUSE) You okay?

GK: I had a sort of vision there, Doctor. A vision of Darla Kloefman. Whom I used to date.

SS: Take another deep breath. Now release it slowly. All the way out. (SPINE CRACKING, LOUDER) (LONGER PAUSE, FOUR OR FIVE SECONDS) Okay?

GK: I saw Darla really clearly that time. And I believe the prophet Elijah.

SS: Once more.....(SPINE CRACKING). How's that?

(LIGHT CELESTIAL CHORDS)

GK: When I regained consciousness, I was on a bed in a dim room, wearing a gown with my rear end hanging out, so I knew I was in a hospital. The gown is for enema readiness, I guess, and if they'd wanted to do it, I couldn't have stopped them. I was in a state of bliss. I felt peaceful. Happy. Calm. Something about the euphoria seemed to suggest powerful muscle relaxants. I was grateful not to be in some sort of natural alternative hospital where they'd have you chew on willow bark while somebody dances around you shaking rattles. I wanted good old American pharmaceuticals.

FN: How are you doing, Mr. Noir?

GK: Beautifully. Thank you, Doctor.

FN: You have visitors.

DOODADS (VOCAL): Baby baby, be my man,
Kiss me, touch me, hold my hand.
Hold me sweet and hold me strong
And rock me, rock me, all night long.

GK: Am I having a drug reaction of some sort?

DOODADS: Hi. We're the Doodads. We go around and sing for sick people to bring happiness into their lives.

Elana Fremerman (SINGS): I'm Dede.

Mollie O'Brien (SINGS): I'm Dina.

SS (SINGS): I'm Daisy.

DOODADS: How are you feeling, Mr. Noir?

GK: I'm feeling like I'm 18 years old again. I can feel hormones I haven't felt in years.

DOODADS (VOCAL): Baby baby please come in
I've been waiting to begin
Kiss me sweet and kiss me slow
And don't stop til I say so.

GK: You're so beautiful. I haven't felt this good since — I used to sit in the car with Darla and listen to music like this on the radio. She put her arm around me and whispered in my ear.

DOODADS (VOCAL): Baby baby ... yes yes
Oh baby ... just like this
Baby baby ... you know how
Oh baby ... don't stop now.

GK: And then she'd kiss me. Delicate kisses. Her lipstick was bright red, the color of a stoplight. But her eyes were green.

DOODADS (VOCAL): I love your kisses ... love your hugs,
Boy O boy, I love your drugs.
Muscle relaxants ... they're so nice.
Librium— it's worth the price.

GK: And then suddenly those angels were gone and this angry teenager was standing over me.

Linda Williams: What you looking at, Fish Face? Huh? Don't give me none of your lip or I'll put that leg up behind your head! (GLASS BREAKAGE)

GK: It was her all right, Omaha Sheraton, with a tattoo on her forehead that would keep her off television forever, her hair cropped short, a revolving blue light in her navel.

LW: I'm here for one reason, mister. I gotta do 300 hours of community service for heaving furniture off of a penthouse terrace. Ha! You ever see a TV fall 34 stories, Mr. Noir? It's something! Come on in, boys!!!

GK: Her band came in the hospital room and set off smoke bombs (SFX). One of them was a bagpiper (PIPES) who was playing with a wah-wah pedal on his chanter (EFFECT) and producing some remarkable feedback. (SFX)

LW: Want us to sing you a song? Huh? What do you say?

GK: Miss Sheraton, I was hoping to find you. I happen to be on the trail of a lost dog.

LW: Yeah? Well, I know nothing about it. What dog???

GK: The dog whose dog hair is on your shoe, Miss Sheraton.

LW: You got nothing on me, copper.

TR (DOG): You looking for me, Mister?

GK: Is your name Luke?

TR (DOG): It used to be Luke and now it's Lucifer.

LW: He's a rock-and-roll dog now, Mr. Noir—

GK: This is a Baptist dog, Miss Sheraton. He's a consecrated dog.

TR (DOG): I'm sorry but — I never asked to be a Baptist dog. Just because I'm a shepherd, they thought I was Baptist, but actually I'm half wolfhound. I want to be wild. I want to chew furniture and dig up yards. I want to drink out of toilets. I want to sing. (HE HOWLS)

GK: Well, you're a big dog, Luke. I guess you can choose for yourself. What about you, Miss Sheraton?

LW: What about me?

GK: This how you want to live? A life of waste and destruction and personal excess?

LW: What are you talking about? I'm grossing fifteen million a year.

GK: I see your point. But how much are you paying the dog?

TR (DOG): Yeah— how much ARE you paying me?

LW: Listen, baby. You're my sweetie-pie, you know that. You're the only one I can talk to, angel. You're the only friend Omaha has got. (BABY TALK) You're my snuggums.

TR (DOG): I want to see the money— (GROWLS)

LW: Sing with me, baby. Sing with your mama.

(BANJO, AND SAX)

LW (SINGS): You don't understand me!
You never even tried!
You wouldn't care if
I upped and died!
That's why the nose ring.
And the crew cut.
That's why your name
Is tattooed on my butt.
(W/ BAGPIPE) I hate you. (DOG BARKS)
I hate you. (DOG BARKS)
I hate you. (DOG BARKS)
I hate you. (DOG BARKS)
I haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate you. (DOG HOWLS WITH)

GK: Good luck with your music. Thanks for visiting me.

TR (DOG): You want me to heal?

GK: No thanks. (BRIDGE)

GK: I was there in the Cleveland Chiropractic Hospital for a week and the DooDads came to visit me every day.

DOODADS: Hi, Mr. Noir. How you feeling?

GK: Never felt better, ladies. Thanks to you.

DOODADS: Oh gosh. We hope it's true.

DOODADS (VOCAL): Baby baby just relax.
Please don't hurt your back.
Do your stretches, nice and slow.
Up and down and to and fro.

GK: Dr. Smith made some more adjustments (SPINE CRACKING) and physical therapy helped too and then there were those wonderful women.

DOODADS (VOCAL): Baby baby ... yes yes
Do your situps ... just like this
Stretch your back ... you know how
Oh baby ... don't stop now.

GK: I tell you, if you're ever going to get sick, you want to think about getting sick in Cleveland. The nursing care is out of this world.

DOODADS (VOCAL): When you're achin, don't lie down.
Stretch your legs and jump around.
Twist and turn and rock and roll
Helps the body and the soul.
Helps the body and the soul.

GK: You know, I do feel a whole lot better. (WOOF) What's this?

TR (DOG): Luke! Six! Thirty-seven!

GK: Okay. Luke 6:37 — "Judge not and ye shall not be judged: condemn not and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven; give and it shall be given unto you." Okay. Fair enough. Good luck.

(THEME)

SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions..... Guy Noir, Private Eye —

(MUSIC OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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