June 11, 2005
Garrison Keillor: Strange days, summer days in Ohio and in the Cleveland suburbs couples are playing mixed doubles tennis (TENNIS) and croquet (SFX) and in Shaker Heights, mixing martinis. (SHAKER) While not far away, a Russian submarine cruising Lake Erie hears strange underwater sounds. (WHALES SINGING DUKE OF EARL) Like whales rocking back and forth and rolling around on the bottom, and dolphins, too. Dolphins are mighty intelligent but these dolphins seem less so (DOLPHINS SINGING "SURFER GIRL") is that a Beach Boys song and now here's something else (LOW RUMBLE) doggone it, those vibrations have rocked the earth's crust again (RUMBLE) the seismograph is going wild (SEIS) I think we're going to see another one of those pesky earthquakes again and probably we'll have meteoroid problems or more of those darned pterodactyls again (SEIS) the seismograph unfortunately is in the hands of Homeland Security, so they send people out to stop traffic (BRAKES, HORNS) and make people get out of their cars (COP TALK) and take off their shoes meanwhile tall buildings sway (CRACKING, RUMBLE), lights go out (PANIC), and the Russian submarine cruises up the Cuyahoga River (RUSSIAN) as Homeland Security proceeds to check the knapsacks of small children for explosives (KID CONFUSION, COP TALK) (PTERODACTYL SHRIEK) Yep, pterodactyls, rising up from the earth's crust, just as I predicted and not the normal well-rounded pterodactyl you've seen in science museums, but mutant pterodactyls (EVIL SHRIEK), pterodactyls with twisted values here, a female pterodactyl exposes her right mammary (SHRIEK), as two male pterodactyls hold hands (SHRIEK) and what are they doing now they are playing radios (MUSIC), radios that interfere with navigational systems airplanes dive out of control(JET), ships are lost in the fog (SHIP'S HORN), cars' onboard computers go crazy (HONKING), and that Russian submarine is forced to surface in the Cuyahoga River (SUB, RUSSIAN) and the Russkies, awestruck by the towers of Cleveland (RUSSIAN AWE) don't see Homeland Security on the river bank (COP TALK) and Homeland Security, busy checking the driver's licenses of yacht owners (COP TALK) doesn't notice the Russian sub, and neither of them notice the dolphin (DOLPHIN TALK) as they swim to the sub and climb aboard using suction cups (SUCTION CUPS) and throw the Russians overboard (RUSSIAN CRIES, SPASHES) and motor out to Lake Erie (MOTOR) where the mutant pterodactyls are swimming in the nude (PTERODACTYLS) when suddenly the sky turns dark (OMINOUS SAX) and the pterodactyls look up (PTERODACTYL "OH-OH") and see yes, doggone if it isn't another meteoroid heading straight for Earth (LOW HUM) you'd think meteoroids could find another planet, but no, they always head for us the dolphins look at it on the sub's sonar screen (DOLPHIN, SONAR) but all they see are the whales singing on the bottom (WHALES, DUKE OF EARL) and it's the pterodactyls, who pick up the submarine (PTERODACTYL) and aim it at the meteoroid and (MISSILE BLASTS) blast it to smithereens (EXPLOSION) and the President goes on national television (TR BUSH: America is safe tonight and I am heading for bed.) and the pterodactyls head north across Lake Erie (SPLASHING) and they become Canadian pterodactyls (CANADIAN PTERODACTYLS), and meanwhile, at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, there is a Russian band called The Rolling Zlotys. (RUSSIAN SINGING, GUITAR) Strange days, summer days in Ohio.