Ketchup script
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor ...after a word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.

Sue Scott: These are the good years for Jim and me. We've decided to start a new career as extras in movies. As parents, we've had plenty of experience with standing around in the background and looking interested. What with Social Security on the road to ruin, we've put a whole bunch of money in a can and buried it under the floorboards. And some more in the garden, for medical expenses. We escaped this devastating vampire fungus that hit our neighbors' gardens and turned their backyards into a sort of Chernobyl — ours stayed green and verdant, a little paradise — and then Jim explained that he's been taking a diet supplement and he's been urinating in the garden at night so evidently that's what did the trick. And then the other day I came down and found him pitching a fit and stomping around (TR QUIET RAGE, RIPPING OF PAPER) — Jim— honey— what's wrong?

Tim Russell: It's these darned subscription cards they put in magazines, Barb. I've come to the end of my rope! (FURY) You buy a magazine and it's got a dozen of these goldarned cards stuck in it and pages that smell of perfume and advertising supplements. I just can't take it anymore!!! You hear me!!!!????? (RIPPING)

SS: Jim, there is a white foam coming out of your mouth.

TR: Why do magazine publishers have to stick so much junk in???? Why???? I buy a magazine because I want to read it!!!!! Why the subscription cards?????? Why????? (RAGE)

SS: Jim I'm curious about this powder you've been sprinkling on your breakfast cereal.

TR: It's just a diet supplement. It's called Arnold's Bulk-Up Powder—

SS: Let me see the list of ingredients on the side— what? distilled testosterone of cougars? Jim, I don't think you should mess around with this.

TR: Honey, it's totally safe. It's endorsed by a governor.

SS: A referendum governor, Jim. From Austria.

TR: Honey, everybody in my office is on steroids — I have to keep up.

SS: Jim, I think it's making you too aggressive.

TR: Too aggressive???? ME???? TOO AGGRESSIVE???? (WOOD CRUNCH, GLASS BREAKAGE) — maybe you're right, Barb.

SS: Just because a few subscription cards fell out of your magazine doesn't mean you should destroy our kitchen, Jim.

TR: You're right.

SS: You need more ketchup, Jim. Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that help to keep you proactive, not reactive. So you can live your life, instead of destroying your home. What do you say we go have a big helping of ketchup right now—

TR: Let's do that.

Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good years
As good as life permits.
A home in Atlanta
Another on St. Kitts.
Life if flowing like ketchup on your grits.

GK: Ketchup, for the good times

RD (SINGS): Ketchup, ketchup