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Guy Noir script
Saturday, June 25, 2005


Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (FADE)

Garrison Keillor: It was a beautiful summer evening in Vidalia, Georgia — (FROGS, CRICKETS) I was sitting outdoors, gently perspiring, (DOGS IN DISTANCE) listening to the coon dogs, and a kid down the road (DISTANT BANJO) practicing his banjo and (FRYING) the sound of a frying pan in the kitchen, and (DISTANT RACE CARS) stock cars at the speedway over the hill, and I was smelling the honeysuckle and listening to the mockingbird (SFX) and gently rocking on a porch swing (SFX) next to a man named Buford W. Buford — people called him Sonny— those dogs hunting raccoons, Sonny?

TR (RICH MAN): Please, call me Mr. Buford. No, they're chasing developers.

GK: I see.

TR (RICH MAN): Chase em up a tree and keep them there for the night and then run them back to Atlanta in the morning.

GK: Smart dogs.

TR (RICH MAN): Care for another glass of Coca-Cola, Mr. Noir?

GK: No thanks, Sonny.

TR (RICH MAN): Call me B.W. Please.

GK: Yes, sir. B.W.

TR (RICH MAN): How is my accent?

GK: It's excellent, sir.

TR (RICH MAN): If you didn't know me, you wouldn't think I was from Vidalia, Georgia, would you?

GK: No, sir.

TR (RICH MAN): You don't hear anything of a cracker nature in my voice?

GK: No.

TR (RICH MAN): Good. I wish Mama would quit fryin. I mean, I wish Beldene wouldn't fry things.


Sue Scott (SOUTHERN): I fried you up a Moon Pie and banana sandwich, Sonny. Your favorite. You want mayonnaise on that?

TR (SOUTHERN): No, thank you, Mama.

SS (SOUTHERN): You want me to fry up some okra or a small animal of some kindů. ?

TR (SOUTHERN): No, thank you, Mama.

SS (SOUTHERN): Here's your fried Moon pie sandwich.You eat em up, now. Care for more Co-Cola, Mr. Noir?

GK: I would, yes.



GK: You just threw that plate of fried Moon Pie sandwiches in the honeysuckle, Mr. Buford—

TR (RICH MAN): I hate fried food. Why, we've got flies in our kitchen with heart disease! Why can't she learn to broil? She fries salads. No kidding? (RUMBLE, VENTING). She buys lettuce and cooks it in butter. (RUMBLE, VENT, BLOW AWAY) . So when I go up to New York for meetings, I sit there fizzing and popping like a sparkler. (FIZZING)

GK: You go up to New York often, Mr. Buford?

TR (RICH MAN): I am heavily invested in Vidalia onions, Mr. Noir, I ship fifty million pounds of Vidalia onions to New York every year. (PIG ENTERS) — Hey! Get out of here!!!! (PIG SQUEALS, EXITS) — I thought I gave that pig away — Anyway, this year, we finally cracked the French market and right now we're shipping a hundred tons of Vidalia onions to Paris every week. — Look at this TV commercial.



GK: Very elegant, Mr. Buford.

TR (RICH MAN): Exactly. Elegant. And that's why I've taught myself to speak in a standard American accent, Mr. Noir.

GK: Makes sense.

TR (RICH MAN): I am an onion billionaire. Vidalia onions are on the move! We're growing half of them in Bolivia now. If I'm going to represent Vidalia onions, I don't want people to look on me as — a hillbilly. (CHICKEN WALKS IN, SLOWLY, CLUCKING) Beldene!!!! (CHICKEN ALARM)


SS (SOUTHERN): What is it, Daddy? You want more of them Moon Pies?

TR (SOUTHERN): Mama, I thought I told you to keep the chickens off the porch.

Fred Newman (LAMAR): Hey howdy—

SS (SOUTHERN): Evenin, Bubba.

FN (LAMAR): Good to see you—

SS (SOUTHERN): Good ta see youuuuuu.

FN (LAMAR): How's mama?

SS: Good, good.

TR (RICH MAN, SOTTO VOCE): It's my brother-in-law—

FN (LAMAR): Hey there Sonny—

TR (RICH MAN): I'm rather busy right now, Lamar. I'm with a guest.

FN (LAMAR): Howdy there—

GK: The name is Noir, Lamar. Guy Noir. From up north. Why that's a very handsome looking banjo.

FN (LAMAR): You partial to banjoes, Mr. Noir? (BANJO LICKS)

TR (RICH MAN): Mama—

SS (SOUTHERN): What is it, Daddy?

TR (RICH MAN): What's on that plate?

SS (SOUTHERN): I fried up some car parts, Daddy. You care for some?

TR (RICH MAN): Mama, take those away. (PIG) Get out!!! (PIG FRENZY)

SS (SOUTHERN): Daddy, don't you be getting riled up and scaring Junior like that! Oh it's all right, honey. (PIG) Daddy, didn't mean it. You know he loves you just as much as I do. (PIG)

FN (LAMAR): Hey, Sonny, I got a new product I come up with — want you to see it — this is Gravy Tape — lookit— real red-eye gravy on a roll dispenser. (PULLS OF ROLL AND TEARS IT) See? Now you can tear off a piece of gravy anytime, and stick it on yo biscuit. Eat biscuit gravy in bed, maybe improve your love life. Care for some, Mr. Noir?

GK: No. Thank you. I don't eat tape.

FN (LAMAR): Well, I got something else that's gonna be big — and that's these sealskin furs — look just like real sealskin but made from recycled motel shower curtains. Gonna be huge.

SS (SOUTHERN): You are so smart, Bubba. I'm just as proud of you as a sister can be.

TR (RICH MAN): Lamar, if you don't mind— (CHICKEN WALKS IN) Get out of here! (CHICKEN FLURRY)

FN (LAMAR): Take a look at this, Sonny. Barbecue flavored ice cream with real bacon chunks. Kinda like chocolate chip only more smokey. All I need is a little working capital franchise in all up and down I-85.

SS (SOUTHERN): My, that does look tasty.

FN (LAMAR): And how 'bout this: picture frames made from kitty litter. Comes in different colors and it absorbs odors. Perfect for smokers. Get a hotel chain interested.

TR (RICH MAN): Lamar— (CLICK OF FIRING PIN) go away. Now.

FN (LAMAR): Sonny —why you got yourself a shotgun in your hands?

TR (RICH MAN): Go away.

SS (SOUTHERN): How about I fry us up some of this ice cream? What do you say? (BRIDGE)


TR (RICH MAN): I hate fishing, Mr. Noir. But it's the only place I can get away from my family. Out here on a boat. (CAST, SPLASH, REELING IN)

GK: Pretty nice boat, Mr. Buford.

TR (RICH MAN): It better be. I paid $2.8 million for it. Got fish sonar. (SONAR) Complete kitchen. Three bedrooms. Jacuzzi. A state-of-the-art sound system. (MOZART PIANO) (CAST, SPLASH, REELING IN HARD) Ohhh— I got something. Something big. Man, it's a big one. (REELING SLOW) Boy, this is a 300 pounder. (REELING, STRAIN) Whoa. Like a big rock or something. It isn't fighting, it's just hanging there. (SPLASH) — Well, I'll be—

GK: It's a woman.

SS (MERMAID): Hi, Sonny. How you doing?

TR: Who are you?
SS (MERMAID): I'm a mermaid. An older mermaid.

TR: Kind of large, aren't you?
SS (MERMAID): Who are you calling large, fat boy?

GK: You want us to take the hook out of your skin, lady?
SS (MERMAID): I'll do it myself. (POP) There. Caught me by accident. I was taking a nap.

TR: Sorry if I hurt you. You okay?
SS (MERMAID): Never been better.. You're the one who's not okay, Sonny.

TR: What do you mean?
SS (MERMAID): Your success in the onion business — that wasn't your doing, Sonny.

TR: Of course it was.
SS (MERMAID): Guess again. I did it, Sonny. For your mother. Your mother rubbed a Dr. Pepper bottle and made a wish for you and I made it come true. I made you a billionaire. And I can take it back, Sonny.

TR: That's preposterous.
SS (MERMAID): You think so?

TR: You're only a fish! A large fish with seaweed in your hair.

TR (SHIVERING): Oh my gosh. Minnesota. It's cold.

GK: In a moment, Mr. Buford and I were sitting alongside the Mississippi River. It was summer in Minnesota, which meant that there were only light snow flurries, but he was freezing.

TR (SHIVERING): You've got to get me out of here, Mr. Noir.

GK: I didn't get you in here, Mr. Buford, so I can't get you out.

TR (SHIVERING): Call me Sonny. And would you mind frying me up some pudding or something? I'm cold.


TR: Junior—


TR: Why, bless your heart, Junior. I'm fixing to come home soon as I can. Tell Mama I'm on my way. I'm a-coming. (FADE) I'm a-coming. I'm a-coming. (DREAM MUSIC)

GK: And then I woke up. Evidently, I had dozed off on that porch in Georgia. (CRICKETS, FROGS) It was evening. (COON DOGS IN DISTANCE) Off in the distance, the dogs were running down a raccoon, and here on the porch we were relaxing after a big meal. (STOMACH RUMBLES) We could smell something good frying in the kitchen. And in my hands— there was a banjo. (BANJO PLUNKS) I'd never held a banjo in my hands before, but now it felt almost natural.

SS (SOUTHERN): You care for a helping of Jell-O, Mr. Noir. Fried it up special just for you.

GK: Don't mind if I do, Miz Buford. Don't mind if I do. (THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

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