Rhubarb script
Saturday, September 10, 2005
Listen

(MOONLIGHT SONATA )

Sue Scott: Hello and welcome to Central High. I'm your teacher, Miss DuCharme. The class is called Origins of Life and we deal with evolution or intelligent design or creation, the Big Bang, erosion, whatever you want to call that process or event or whatever it was that came at the beginning. This is a self-taught course, so I will not be here in the classroom with you, so your assignment is to write one paper about whatever you believe in, and that's just as valid as whatever anyone else thinks, so. — Not a problem. You're probably wondering about grades — you will be grading these papers yourself, so that the bias of your teacher does not influence your grade, so I would advise you just to give yourself an A because that's what everyone else does. Yes?

Tim Russell: What if my parents believe in intelligent design but, like, I believe that alien dogs landed 500 years ago and they felt sick so they ate a lot of grass, and then the stuff they coughed up eventually became all the life forms that exist as we know them today—

SS: Fine.

TR: My question is, are my parents going to get to read my paper?

SS: Good question. The answer is yes.

TR: Oh. Okay. So I better not write that then.

SS: Whatever you want. I can't tell you what to write. I am only your teacher. But I think that the alien dog theory is — what should I say — somewhat whimsical—

TR: Miss DuCharme—

SS: Yes—

TR: There are two dogs at the door— (SNARLING, GRUNTING)—

SS: Oh no!!! (CONSTERNATION) Alien dogs!!!!! Lock the door!!!!

TR: They look sick!!! Like they're just about to— (DOG GAGGING)

Garrison Keillor: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? (THEME)