A Prairie Home Companion from American Public Media

Minnesota Men script
Saturday, September 24, 2005
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Garrison Keillor: And now here's a word from the ELCA, the Evelyn Lindstrom Counseling Agency.

Sue Scott: If you're looking for a good man, you can't do better than get a man from Minnesota. Texas men you'd hesitate to invite into your home. California men are into other things. Men in New York are such neurotics you have to coax them to hold your hand and afterward they need to discuss how it felt to do that. Chicago men are misogynists and what do you need massage for?

Erica Rhodes: But aren't guys from Minnesota a little slow on the trigger? I don't want to marry a dope who's driving around with one headlight.

SS: Minnesota men score high on intelligence when the scores are adjusted to take winter into account.

ER: But what about social skills? I've heard of Minnesota men who never talk except to ask for more cheese dip. "ya, if ya don't mind, snag me some of them beer nuts too, why dontcha."

SS: You're thinking of South Dakota men. Minnesota men are well-spoken, reliable, clean, honest, cheerful, and they take care of stuff like raking and mowing.

ER: How about humor?

SS: What a Minnesota man lacks in irony, he makes up for in stability. I say, if you want comedy, go to the movies.

ER: So how do I meet these guys?

SS: Come to A Prairie Home Companion and hang around the lobby and don't make eye contact. And when a man approaches and asks what you think about this weather we're having, say, "Yeah, it's something all right."

ER: I'll try to remember that.

SS: Conversations start slow in Minnesota. It may take six to eight months before you know if he has a job or if he's been married before. Be patient.

GK: Good advice from the Evelyn Lindstrom Counseling Agency. In the yellow pages under Common Sense.