 |
Ketchup script
Saturday,
October 1, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: ...after this message from the Ketchup Advisory Board.
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. Barb changed to a different colored toilet bowl cleaner, which she told me about when she picked me up from the emergency room. And while we were in the ER we saw our neighbors, the ones who like to run marathons, getting wheeled in on a gurney, doubled up with exhaustion and cramps. So we felt good about that. We should have been happy. But then that afternoon I found Barb hyperventilating in front of the computer. Barb, honey, what's wrong?
Sue Scott: Oh Jim. I was just looking at this medical website, and I think I have Lyme disease!
TR: Now Barb. Why would you think that?
SS: Look at the symptoms! Fatigue, stiffness, headache, general malaise- that's me.
TR: I think it's called aging.
SS: But Jim, look at this map of reported cases of Lyme's—we're right in the middle of the hot zone!
TR: Barb, you have to go outdoors to catch Lyme's. You don't catch it from watching the Discovery Channel. Besides, if you'd had a tick anywhere on your body, I'm sure I would have — well, maybe you're right.
SS: Jim-you're blind without your glasses. And some ticks are smaller than the head of a pin!
TR: But they cause a characteristic bulls-eye rash, Barb. It would be hard to miss.
SS: Look here-forgetfulness is also a symptom. And so is scattered thinking. I'm going to see a doctor.
TR: Barb, it's called the aging process. You get stiff and achy and tired, and you go look for the number of the clinic, and by the time you find it, you forget what the problem was and you go take a nap.
SS: I don't want to get old. At least I want to slow it down.
TR: Well, we're doing the best we can. We do our crossword puzzles. We go for walks. We lie about our age. And we eat plenty of ketchup. Ketchup contains natural mellowing agents that even if you did have Lyme's and it was too late for antibiotics, ketchup would help you accept death.
SS: Oh Jim, I feel so much better already.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times, there's money, lots and lots,
Mansions and limousines, vacation homes and yachts,
Money's flowing like ketchup on kumquats.
GK: Ketchup......for the good times.
RD: Ketchup......ketchup.......
| | | |
| |
