Bob script
Saturday, October 22, 2005
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(BIG ARPEGGIATA THEME, APPASSIONATO, AND UNDER....)

Tim Russell (ANNC): And now Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products brings you The Story of Bob, A Young Artist....

(VIOLIN THEME, AND UNDER....)

(DISHES BEING CLEARED FROM TABLE)

Sue Scott: Still have plenty of chow mein left, Bob? Have some. I don't want to just throw it away.

Garrison Keillor: No thanks, Berniece.

SS: I thought you liked chow mein. Thought you said it gave you ideas.

GK: My mind is teeming with ideas, Berniece, I'm in no need of more.

TR (POPS): What team you talking about?

GK: I said teeming.

TR (POPS): Whatever team would want you must be nuts.

GK: Teeming. Crowded. Swarming.

TR (POPS): Ain't warming around here. Not at all. You must be having a hot flash. Probably going through male menopause. Isn't that right, Rex? (DOG LEG THUMPING, PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR)

SS: Aren't you feeling well, Bob? Usually you eat twice as much chow mein as that.

GK: Mrs. Montero from the Arts Board is supposed to call me, Berniece, and I don't want my mouth to be full when she does.

TR (POPS): Farts Council? Holy mackerel.

GK: Arts Council! Arts Council!

SS: So what does Mrs. Montero want?

GK: I hope she wants to do a show of my new collages, my new series called Light Stream.

SS: Oh— the stuff with all the glitter on them—

GK: It's not stuff, Berniece. They're called collages. And it's not glitter. It's called reflective/refractive particles.

TR (POPS): College? You're almost fifty years old and you ain't got the brains of a pop-up toaster. (DOG LEG THUMPING, PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR)

SS: It's not college — it's collage, Pops. It's art. Bob may have a new show— isn't that exciting?

TR (POPS): A nude show? Him? I don't think there'd be much call for that either.

GK: A new show.

TR (POPS): That's what I said.

SS: It's nothing to do with nudity, Pops!!

TR (POPS): You onstage nude is a show people'd be standing in line to get out of. Right, Rex? (DOG LEG THUMPING, PANTING, JINGLE OF COLLAR)

(PHONE RING)

GK: I have it. Everybody quiet now, okay? I want it quiet before I pick up.

(PHONE)

TR (POPS): Answer the phone wouldja?

SS: He wants it quiet first.

GK: Just stop talking and sit with your hands folded. (RING)

TR: Are you gonna answer it or do I need to? (DOG BARKS)

GK: Could I have it quiet, please?

SS: We're doing our best. (PHONE RING)

TR: Gimme that phone, that could be Arvin, he was going to give me a ride downtown.

GK: I will answer the phone, as soon as I have quiet. (RING)

SS: We'll be quiet as soon as you pick up the phone, Bob. Promise.

TR (POPS): I never heard of anything so stupid. (RING) You stand there by the phone ringing— pick it up!!! (DOG WOOFS)

GK: Silence. (SS: Quiet, Pops.) All I'm asking for is silence. (SS: We'll be quiet.) Why can't I get silence? Why? (RING)

TR (POPS): Gimme that phone.

GK: Get your hands off it. (GLASS BREAKAGE, FOOD SPILLAGE)

SS: The chow mein!

TR (POPS): Now look what you've done! (RING)

SS: I better clean that up off the floor....

GK: Would everyone please just sit still and look up at the ceiling....

SS: I don't want it to soak into the carpet....

GK: Leave it.

TR (POPS): Don't worry, Rex'll take care of it. (DOG SNARFLING, WOLFING DOWN FOOD, CONTINUES)

GK: I would like to answer the phone if I may.

SS: Just let me get a damp cloth.

TR (POPS): Rex loves chow mein, don't ya, boy? (DOG PANTING, WOLFING)

SS: It's a good carpet.

GK: Berniece, I ask a simple thing and that's quiet so I can talk on the phone.

SS: But the phone has stopped ringing, Bob.

GK: It has? Oh my gosh. I've lost it. Lost my big chance for a show.

SS: Call her back.

GK: You don't understand. I call her back, then it's like me calling her. I've already called her twice. Now she's calling me and I couldn't answer because people in this house have no concept of politeness. None. I ask for quiet and what do I get? Turmoil. Confusion. (DOG WOLFING) Would you tell the dog to please stop wolfing the chow mein, Pops?

TR (POPS): Oh go mind your own beeswax.

GK: He's not a garbage disposal.

SS: I'm sorry, Bob. But call her back right away—

GK: I can't, I'm too upset. (DOG STARTS TO GAG) Oh great. He scarfs up the chow mein and now he's going to barf. (DOG GAGGING)

TR (POPS): You're the one who got him upset, you and all your yelling — you're making all of us sick. (DOG GAGGING) (PHONE RING)

GK: I'll pick up the extension in the bedroom. — (FOOTSTEPS) Don't answer it—

SS: Don't worry— (FOOTSTEPS) (DOOR CLOSE) (PHONE RING) (PICK UP)

GK: Yes? —(VOICE AT OTHER END) Oh hi, Arvin. —-- (VOICE AT OTHER END) Okay, I'll tell him. — You didn't call just a minute ago, did you? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Oh. Okay. Just wondering. Thanks. (VOICE AT OTHER END) (HANG UP) (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN. FOOTSTEPS) It was Arvin, calling to tell you he'll come by around two.

TR (POPS): Two! I'll still be taking my nap at two! I better call him and tell him to make it two-thirty.

GK: Don't touch that phone. Don't you even think about touching it. I am expecting an extremely important call and you're not going to call— I don't even want to see you looking at the phone. Am I understood?

TR (POPS): Oh yeah? You and whose army, punk? You want to go a couple rounds? Huh? I'll show you a couple things you didn't learn about in art school!

SS: Sit down, Pops. Just take it easy, Bob.

GK: I would like a little consideration, that's all I'm asking for.....

SS: Just settle down. (PHONE RING)

GK: I'll get it in the bedroom. (FOOTSTEPS) Nobody touch the phone. I'll get it. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS. STOP. (GK DEEP BREATH. PICKUP PHONE) Yes? This is Bobletts. Bob speaking.

SS (WARM VOICE ON PHONE): Bob, it's Joan at the Arts Board. How are you?

GK: Mrs. Montero. What a pleasure.

SS (ON PHONE): Call me Joan. Please.

GK: Joan. Of course. Excuse me one moment. (HEART POUNDING) Oh my Lord. I don't know when I've ever been this nervous. I feel faint. — Yes. Joan. Good of you to call.

SS (ON PHONE): Bob, I just want you to know that I abslutely LOVE your new pieces. The Bending Light series. I have them up all around my office and I just go from one to the other in sheer delight, Bob — you've created something that is truly fabulous. You've just gone so far beyond what anybody ever did with collage before. The light strips, the mirrored facades, the reflective/refractive particles — there is such a texture here, such an immediacy, a vibrancy — I mean, you look at the work from a slightly different angle and it becomes an entirely new work. I can't tell you how much I love this, Bob. You've surprassed yourself. You've taken collage to a whole new level. And I want to show them at the Art Center starting in December and I want to buy six of the pieces for the permanent collection. (HE FALLS ON THE FLOOR, HARD) Bob? Bob, are you there? Hello? (CLICKS) Hello? (DRAMATIC STING AND BRIDGE AND UNDER......) (VENTILATOR)

SS: How is he, Doctor? Is he awake yet?

TR: He's starting to come around, Berniece. He took a nasty fall.

SS: I know. Oh poor Bob.

TR: He had a lot of paint marks on his face—

SS: He fell onto a whole bunch of his art.

TR: Paintings?

SS: Collages.

TR: Oh.

SS: Bob? Bob honey, the doctor says you're going to be all right. You fainted, Bob, and hit your head. I told you you should've eaten more chow mein. Anyway, you landed on your collages, honey, and you sort of smashed them up and then Rex came in and— well, he got sick on one of the collages and — anyway, Mrs. Montero from the Arts Council says she likes that one best. I let her take it for the show, Bob. I hope that's all right. Okay? You rest, honey, and I'll be back to see you tomorrow. Would you like me to bring you something to eat? (THEME)

TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST ...was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products. Join us next time when we'll hear Bob say....

GK: That collage there— it doesn't exactly look like anything I did.

SS: It's yours, Bob. Rex helped, but you did most of it.

GK: I like the texture of it. It has a sort of plastic quality, a viscosity.

SS: I wouldn't touch it if I were you.

GK: I don't remember what I used there.

SS: I believe it's chow mein.

TR (ANNC): That's next time on....THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST. (MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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