St. Paul script
October 22, 2005
Garrison Keillor: So many people new to the Twin Cities ask us, "What is the difference between Minneapolis and St. Paul?" Well, for one thing, Minneapolis has a much higher standard of lawn care. (MOWER) You have to mow every other day in Minneapolis or else the landscaping police come and (COPS TALKING, DOG BARKING) they put you under house arrest and put an ankle bracelet on you (CLICKS) and the bracelet is attached to your lawn mower (MOWER). In St. Paul, we don't care if you let your yard go. The city sends in a crew to take care of it (GOATS). In Minneapolis you find actual hip people hanging out in hip sections of town, going to hip bars, and saying hip things.....
Sue Scott (HIP): He just SAYS so MUCH and everything he SAYS is so COMPLETELY AMBIGUOUS and I love that REFUSAL to, like, COMMIT and that TOTAL disinterest in whether you GET what he's saying or NOT that is the BEAUTIFUL THING, and what makes it even MORE beautiful is the fact that HE HIMSELF doesn't get it either, so it's like this TWO-WAY INCOMPREHENSION. And his HAIR is enought to make you MELT. I mean REALLY.
GK: We don't have people like that in St. Paul. We have plenty of incomprehension but it isn't thrilling for us.
Tim Russell: I don't get it.
Tom Keith: Neither do I.
TR: Who is he?
TK: Who cares? I don't.
TR: He's a bum.
TK: That's what I told you. He's a bum.
TR: He's from Minneapolis.
TK: Of course.
GK: Minneapolis for some reason likes to think of itself as a major American city and likes to imagine that it is not located on the frozen tundra with the rest of us it thinks of itself as coastal, and so you sit down in a restaurant in Minneapolis, and someone in white is likely to swoop down on you and perform the menu.
TR: (FRENCH WAITER) Bonjour monsieur, ce soir nous avons tarte aux pommes, salade nicoise, haricots vertes, les pomes avec fromage, petites croquettes de beurre, l'hamburger avec fries, jus de l'orange, et le grand poulet mort. C'est tres bien, tout.
GK: Oh come on. For gosh sakes. Get over yourself and come over to St. Paul, where you eat what everyone else eats, and if you don't like it, that's too bad. (PLATE SFX) There you go. Eat up.
SS: What is that?
GK: It's a trout omelette. With melted cheese.
SS: But I wanted a salade nicoise.
GK: Too bad. You're in St. Paul now. Make the best of it.
Prudence Johnson, SLIGHTLY FLAT:
Spend a beautiful fall
In St. Paul.