Bush script
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor: It is Halloween on Monday and let's see what famous people will be dressing up as — Mr. Alan Greenspan, the outgoing chairman of the Federal Reserve — happy Halloween.

Tim Russell (GREENSPAN): I believe that it will be happy, or what I would characterize as happiness, but perhaps not quite as happy as perhaps many people are hoping and which they may have been led to believe will be the case.

GK: Okay. It's rather traumatic for Americans to see you step down, Mr. Greenspan, you've been chairman of the Federal Reserve since 1918. Famous for your economic forecasts when you testify before Congress—

TR (GREENSPAN): I would not characterize them as forecasts, so much as I would use the term "analysis" in the sense of being anal and also in the sense of being extremely careful to use precise terms in such a way as to say two things at the same time and leave no clues as to what I am saying, so as not to cause alarm in the markets, and so, although I keep revising the forecasts, they remain exactly the same, except slightly redacted.

GK: Redacted— Good. — So I notice you're wearing sandals and a thong bikini and tattoos and you've colored your hair orange.

TR (GREENSPAN): I am going as a guy from Samoa.

GK: Why Samoa, Mr. Greenspan?

TR (GREENSPAN): Well, because I'm a Republican. I have a lot of money and I want Samoa.

GK: Thank you, outgoing Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan. Mr. Scooter Libby, former White House aide, what's your costume for Halloween?

TR (SCOOTER):: I tell you, it's something — you work all your life for a job at the White House, you're at the pinnacle of your career, and then this Chicago guy in a cheap suit, this special prosecutor, comes in and starts asking questions about what you said to somebody two years ago. What am I? a tape recorder? How should I know? What was he doing two years ago? Tell me that. Huh? Huh?

GK: What's your Halloween costume this year?

TR (SCOOTER):: I donno. I got these crutches, maybe I'll go as Tiny Tim.

GK: Okay, have fun with it, Mr. Libby. — So— ma'am— quite a week for you, huh?

Sue Scott (OLDER, TEXAS ACCENT): I was on the verge of something I'd always dreamed of, being a justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, and then all these jerks —these peckerwoods from my own party — started trash-talking me and dumping on me because I'm not a genius — as if they were — Huh? George Will! David Brooks! Being called unqualified by these guys is like being called ugly by a warthog. What about Clarence Thomas? Huh? What was the last brilliant thing anybody heard him say? — but they're picking on me and dumping garbage on my lawn, and meanwhile I've got to go trooping around to Capitol Hill and paying courtesy calls on Senators and sweet talk them — and you think they're brilliant? Ha! You never met one. These bozos need a cue card before they can say Good Morning. And where is the guy who nominated me and who I thought was my friend? He's nowhere. And then he calls me up and says, Honey, I need you to withdraw your nomination. Boy, am I ticked off. I am so mad I could spit.

GK: So who are you going to be for Halloween, Ms. Meirs?

SS (TEXAS): I'm getting me a drum and I'm dressing up as The Spirit of '76. (ANGRY DRUM SOLO)

GK: Okay. Vice-President Cheney— you dressing up for Halloween.

TR (CHENEY): No comment.

GK: I see that you're wearing a football helmet and you've got big black grease marks under your eyes and I'm just guessing you're a tight end.

TR (CHENEY): No comment.

GK: Okay. A very tight end. Mr. President— you going in costume for Halloween?

TR (BUSH): Boy, this has been some fall. I don't get it. I just don't get it.

GK: We know that.

TR (BUSH): I'm going along great in my second term — at least that's what the staff says — got a mandate — and then I happen to take a little vacation at the ranch and suddenly everything hits the fan — hurricane hits — how could I have predicted that? — and I fly over the area of devastation in Air Force One — what's the problem? What do people expect? I'm doing my best — and suddenly we've got indictments and people are lobbing mudballs at my nominee and gas prices are going up and now my parakeet is sick — favorite parakeet, running a high fever —

GK: So who are you going to dress up as for Halloween?

TR (BUSH): I'm going to dress up as Bill Clinton.

GK: I see you've got the saxophone.

TR (BUSH): I colored my hair white and I'm working on the voice. (BUSH AS CLINTON) Hey. I feel your pain. (BUSH) How's that? Not bad, huh?

GK: Pretty good.

TR (BUSH, AS CLINTON): I did not have sex with that woman. (BUSH) How's that? Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

GK: You look like you're about to sing, Mr. President.

TR (BUSH, SINGS): I've got the blues, the second-term blues
I was doing good and now it's all bad news.
First you win and then you start to lose.

Seems my support is running short,
I need to find myself a great big fort.
Maybe put myself on the Supreme Court.

TR (BUSH): Okay. Time for my solo now. Time to get down. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Time to be bad. Time to be fly. (SAX SOLO)

GK: Thank you, Mr. President. Happy Halloween everybody.