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English Majors script
Saturday,
October 29, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: And now, a message from the Partnership of English Majors.
(PARTY AMBIENCE)
Tim Russell: Hi.
Sue Scott: Nice party.
TR: Yeah. Don't I know you?
SS: No, you don't.
TR: Oh.
SS: Your Dracula outfit is nice. You even smell like a vampire.
TR: Yeah, I buried the cape in the ground for a couple weeks.
SS: Cool.
TR: What are you, then? You look kinda dusty and disheveled. Are you somebody from The Addams Family?
SS: No, I'm Bertha Mason.
TR: Oh. —-Who's Bertha Mason?
SS: You know, the crazy wife from Jane Eyre. The one Mr. Rochester keeps locked up in the attic.
TR: Mr. Rochester? Isn't he a horse or something?
SS: No, he's a classic fictional character created by Charlotte Bronte.
TR: Oh, right, Charlotte Bronte. Great singer. Pretty hot, too.
SS: No, Charlotte Bronte. The writer. You're thinking of Charlotte Church.
TR: Oh. I guess I don't get your costume then.
SS: Never mind, just forget it.
TR: Jeez. Have a cow, why doncha.
SS: I never knew what that means-have a cow. If you're referring to giving birth to a cow, wouldn't it be better to say "have a calf"?
TR: You are weird.
SS: No, I'm not. I'm an English Major.
TR: Well, you don't gotta take it out on the rest of us.
GK: You mean you don't have to take it out on the rest of us.
SS: Oh hi. Who are you?
GK: I'm Branson Wilder—
SS: Not THE Branson Wilder, author of the incredible sonnet that appeared in this month's Minnesota Quarterly—
GK: Yes, indeed. I couldn't help but notice your Bertha Mason costume.
SS: Wow. I love your costume—the black cape and mud boots, the dark, brooding expression- and you're tall, too. Oh, Heathcliff.
TR: Don't look like Heathcliff to me.
SS: Not the cartoon Heathcliff. The one from Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights—
GK: Indeed.
SS: The passionate anti-hero-
TR: Oh. I was thinking of a big red dog.
SS: Oh get lost. Please?
GK: I always thought Heathcliff and Bertha should have been in the same novel.
SS: I did too. They would have had a lot to talk about.
GK: So— what do you say we get Bertha Mason and go for a walk on the moors. (HOWL)
SS: You're so sensitive— and yet strong.
GK: Of course. — A message, from the Partnership of English Majors.
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