 |
Ketchup script
Saturday,
October 29, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: ...after this word from the Ketchup Advisory Board.
Tim Russell: These are the good years for Barb and me. We had a professional horticulturist come in and evaluate our houseplants and find out that they're all dead. So now we can start again with a clean slate. And the wrens that were nesting inside our mailbox have flown south. And we found our tax refund from last spring that we can still deposit. We should have been happy. But then the other night, I found Barb sitting at the kitchen table, stewing. Barb, honey, what's wrong?
Sue Scott: Oh, Jim, I just came back from the grocery store. And I decided I simply cannot in good conscience give out candy to kids trick-or-treating. I can't. Have you read the statistics on childhood obesity and diabetes? It's horrifying. Not to mention tooth decay.
TR: But Barb— it's Halloween—
SS: I'm thinking of giving out toothbrushes.
TR: Toothbrushes!
SS: Or little bags of organic carrots. These kids get enough sugar!
TR: Barb, do you know what it's like trying to get toilet paper out of a tree? Or scrape garbage off the porch? It's nothing you'd want to find out.
SS: But what's wrong with giving them something nutritious— like soy tablets?
TR: You're thinking liberal, Barb. But Halloween is the great Republican holiday, Barb. You try to scare people to death and meanwhile you eat as much candy as you possibly can, and deal with the consequences later.
SS: I just don't feel right about it. How about we give out toothbrushes?
TR: Halloween has nothing to do with right or wrong, Barb. It's about indulgence and expressing the dark side.
SS: How about we give out packets of ketchup? Ketchup has natural mellowing agents that will help kids balance out the intense sugar rush —
TR: Let's talk, Barb.
Rich Dworsky (SINGS):
These are the good times for ghosts and all their fellows
Haunting the graveyard and walking up the gallows.
Life is flowing, like ketchup on marshmallows.
GK: Ketchup, for the good times.
RD: Ketchup, ketchup
| | | |
Sign up here for our weekly e-pistle about what's happening at A Prairie Home Companion! Heck, while you're there, sign up for the daily e-mail from The Writer's Almanac too
Relive all the glory of past joke shows with our selection of pretty good merchandise. A selection of joke books and CDs containing every morsel of comedy from most of our (in)famous Joke Shows. Hundreds of snickers, howlers, one-liners, and groaners, audience-tested and certified Pretty Good.
|
Scripts and bits from A Prairie Home Companion celebrate the secret society of men and women who possess excellent spelling and punctuation skills. (You know who you are.)
Selections include "The Six-Minute Hamlet," a tribute to Emily Dickinson, a Guy Noir adventure that exposes an MFA scam, a riveting "Professional Organization of English Majors" drama, and guests Billy Collins, Robert Bly, Roy Blount Jr., and Calvin Trillin.
|
The soundtrack to Robert Altman's take on Garrison Keillor's radio show features 25 songs. If you are an avid A Prairie Home Companion listener, you know what to expect: a delightful mix of music and fun by APHC regulars including the Guy's All Star Shoe Band, Robin & Linda Williams and Jearlyn Steele, among others, plus some amazing music by a diverse slate of guest performers. Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin duet as the singing Johnson sisters on "My Minnesota Home" and "Goodbye to my Mama." Woody Harrelson and John C. Reilly appear as Dusty and Lefty, the singing cowboys, and warble "Whoopi Ti Yi Yo" and the crowd pleasing but crusty song "Bad Jokes." Lindsay Lohan delivers "Frankie and Johnny".
|
| |
