Rhubarb script
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ...Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and frozen pie filling.

You come home from a terrible day at work (TR: WEARY) — so stressful — (SS OFF: How was work? TR: Fine.) and you're in the mood for some recreational drugs (TR: Hmmm, let me see. RATTLE OF BOTTLES) and then — (SS: Don't forget about the dinner we're going to.)

Tim Russell: What dinner?

Sue Scott: The ATM banquet.

TR: ATM?

SS: Association of Tuba Masters.

TR: Oh boy.

GK: The big annual tuba banquet. You've been to this before. It's deadly. (DARTH VADER BREATHING) A room full of tuba players. — (TR: They really believe that everyone else is just as fascinated by the bass clef as they are.) — (SS: And I can't be late. I'm the chairwoman.) Oh oh. (TR: I'm going to be sitting at the head table.) No sneaking out early. (IRON DOOR CLANGS SHUT). So you go to the tuba banquet. (SS: I am so looking forward to this. There is going to be a demonstration of sixteen antique tubas. TR: Fascinating. SS: And then Dr. Sturm is giving a slide talk on euphoniums.) (TR: Wow. What a thrill.) You arrive at the banquet and there's a lot of large bald men there (TK: Hey. How's it going?) and geezers galore (OLD PEOPLE CONFUSION) Walkers left and right and the smell of dental adhesive. And you're seated between a man you can't understand (TK: JOWLY MAN) and a woman with a terrible laugh (SS: SHRIEKING) and in front of you is a plate of rubber chicken (BOING) on a bed of shredded truck tires. (TR: NAUSEA) But you tuck into it and about the time dessert comes around, they start in on the tuba demonstration.

Tom Keith: First, we have this 1895 Kochendorfer from Munich, which as you can see is a bivalve tuba with a cosseted grommet and the articulated frammis. Okay—

(TUBA NOTES)

TK: Next, we have this 1907 Ketterhenry made in Dusseldorf and this has the lacrimal gaffle and the double gibble here under the frammis and the flutter rhombus. Okay—

(TUBA NOTES)

TK: Our next tuba is this 1908 Mueller made by the famous Mueller Tuba Works of New Ulm, which was the first tuba to employ the vaulted stirrup that you see here, and the broad-rimmed scapular resonator. Okay?

(TUBA NOTES)

GK: Slowly, painfully, they go through eighteen tubas and everyone around you is fascinated and you feel as if someone is pounding you on the head with a hammer. When he's done, he gets a standing ovation (APPLAUSE) and the lady next to you thinks they're great (SS SHRIEKING) and the man (TK JOWLY) is talking to himself and now its time for a speech by the outgoing president of the ATM (TR FRED FARRELL REVERB: As I look back over the past sixteen months of my presidency, there have been so many highlights and I'd like to just touch on seven or eight of them.) and then there's the speech by the incoming president (TR WOMAN REVERB: As I look back on the sixteen months that Fred has given this organization, I realize that those are very big shoes to fill.) and then they get around to Dr. Sturm and his lecture — (TR SOFT MONOTONE GERMAN) and you don't understand a bit of it and there are slides — pictures of tubas — and suddenly you realize that Dr. Sturm is going to describe in detail every step in the manufacture of a tuba (TR GERMAN, AND UNDER) — it's an enormous slide carousel that he has and he keeps droning along about tubas and suddenly your head hits the table (CLATTER OF CHINA) and you jerk upright (TK REACT) and try to look interested as the slides change (SFX) and the speaker goes on (TR GERMAN) and now the man next to you is asleep with his head on your shoulder (TK SNORING) and the lady is on her sixth glass of wine (SS FATUOUS GRIN) and all over the room people are dropping like flies (SFX), falling face first into the wienerschnitzel (SPLAT) and then he comes to the end of the slide carousel (SFX) and there is hope and heads pop up (SERIES OF BOINGS, POPS) and people reach for their car keys and then he puts on a second carousel (THUNK, RATCHET) and your heart sinks — (TR GERMAN) and now you have no choice. You must leave. You bend down as if to pick up something from the floor and you get down on your hands and knees and you crawl up the aisle to the door and you walk out into the lobby. You're free. (SS: Earl?) You're almost free.

SS: Earl, we have to talk.

TR: I can explain — I'm crawling on the floor because I—

SS: Earl, it's not that. It's about you and me.

TR: It is?

SS: I'm in love, Earl.

TR: You are? But—

SS: I want you to meet Heinrich. (TUBA NOTES)

TR: You're in love with him??? (STING & THEME) Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Yes, nothing gets the taste of fear and humiliation out of your mouth like Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. But one little thing can revive a guy, And that is home-made rhubarb pie. Serve it up, nice and hot. Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.

DUET: Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb, Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie. Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb, Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.