A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Opening script
Saturday, November 26, 2005
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DAY IS SHORT CHORUS

Tim Russell: How come it's so dark in here?

Sue Scott: I thought it'd be nice to eat by candlelight.

TR: I thought there was a power outage or something.

SS: You don't like candles?

TR: Can't see what I'm eating.

SS: I thought it'd be nice.

TR: Whatever you want.

SS: You don't think it's romantic?

TR: Romantic to not know what I'm eating?

SS: I'll turn the lights on if you want.

TR: Whatever you want. I'll just get used to it.

SS: Here. (OFF) I'm turning the lights on. There. How's that?

TR: What is this?

SS: It's beef remoulade.

TR: What in the world is that? What are these? Mushrooms?

SS: Truffles. You like it?

TR: It's okay.

DAY IS SHORT CHORUS

SS (DEER): Two more days and deer hunting season is over. Those guys in the orange clothes will go home and stop trying to kill us.

TR (DEER): Keep your voice down.

SS (DEER): Keep your head down— you're the one with the antlers.

TR (DEER): See anything?

SS (DEER): No. Haven't seen anybody since those idiots with the flashlights a week ago.

TR (DEER): I thought I smelled beer. (SNIFFS)

SS (DEER): That's urine, dear.

TR (DEER): That's not deer urine.

SS (DEER): I said, that's urine, dear.

TR (DEER): When did you start calling me Dear?

SS (DEER): Well, it is mating season.

TR (DEER): Hey, what are you doing?

SS (DEER): Come on. Let's you and me make a Bambi. Nobody's looking.

TR (DEER): We've got guys with telescopic sights out trying to kill us and you're thinking about sex?

SS (DEER): Hey, you only go around once. (SINGS) When I'm calling you-u-u-u-u-u-u

TR (DEER): You know that drives me wild—-

SS (DEER): (SINGS); Won't you answer true-u-u-u-u-u-u.......(GUNSHOT) Bucky? Bucky?

TR (DEER): I'm okay. You okay?

SS (DEER): I'm okay.

TR (DEER): It was a shotgun. They're hunting pheasants. —Hey, what are you doing— cut that out—

SS (DEER): Doing what?

TR (DEER): You know what.

SS (DEER): You mean this?

TR (DEER): Cut that out.

SS (DEER): You don't like me to touch you there?

TR (DEER): You're making me crazy.

SS (DEER): We've been lying here in this tall grass for a week. Let's get up. Let's go.

TR (DEER): We can't.

SS (DEER): Let's go. I haven't run for three days. I'm going to get a thrombosis.

TR (DEER): Wait.

SS (DEER): I'm just going to go for a little jog.

TR (DEER): It's not safe—

SS (DEER): There's nobody around. I'll be back in a minute.

TR (DEER): Don't go. Please.

SS (DEER): (LEAPING THROUGH BRUSH, OFF) Bye. See you later. (GUNSHOT)

TR (DEER): Doris? Doris—

DAY IS SHORT CHORUS