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SFX script
Saturday,
December 3, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: What to give for Christmas to that someone you want to make happy — you could give him a scarf, but that's so ordinary — how about a coffeemaker (ESPRESSO SEQUENCE) — they're not that big — about the size of a compact car — but you think of how much coffee he'd drink and what high-octane coffee does to him (FN HIGH FAST VOICE) and he gets so hyper on coffee (FAST FORWARD) and he's a dangerous driver (CAR REVS THROUGH GEARS, SPEEDING, CORNERING, BRAKES SQUEALING, CRASH, EXPLOSION) — no sense in giving him a coffee maker. -maybe a Jacuzzi (SFX) — you could have that installed in the bedroom, with mirrors all around it and a sound system (SAXOPHONE) and sparkle lights — or maybe not in the bedroom, they smell of chlorine— maybe in the garage—but it's cold in the garage— and you take a hot tub in a cold place and hot and cold, it's liable to explode — (EXPLOSION) How about an iPod (SOLO CELLO) — he loves music — the trouble is, he'll try to download music files off the Internet (CLICKS, COMPUTER SFX) and he won't be able to get it (ELECT VOICE: You did it wrong. Go back and start again. You're not that smart.) and he'll get frustrated (SLOW BURN) and it'll get worse and worse (ELECT VOICE: That's the third time you tried to do that. Read the instructions. I know six-year-old kids who do this, no problem. You're fifty-five.) and he'll go nuts (FURY) and take the iPod out in the backyard and blow it up. (EXPLOSION) Or you could give him a weekend in New York. Take him skating in Central Park (SKATERS),
take him to Barney's (SQUEAL: Look at the red leather!), take him to Radio City for the Christmas Show (TAP ROUTINE, SILENT NIGHT), take him back to the hotel (Fred Newman FEMALE: I'll just go in and put on my new lingerie) and while you're in there, he's turned on a movie (TV AUDIO) and you slip into bed (FN FEMALE: Mmm nice and warm) and he's engrossed in a movie with a lot of cars blowing up (EXPLOSIONS) — maybe a scarf.
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