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Minnesota script
Saturday,
December 10, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: ...after this message from the Minnesota Refugee Commission.
(DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS)
Sue Scott: Oh hi. It's you.
GK: I'm here for the dog, Ellen. It's my weekend.
SS: Is it? I had completely forgotten.
GK: Don't play games, Ellen. Where's Rex? Rex! C'mere boy!
SS: Have you noticed that Rex doesn't want to come to you, Steve?
GK: What do you mean, Ellen? He's my dog, too. Of course he wants to come to me. Rex??
SS: Where is he then? Why isn't he jumping up on you and woofing for sheer delight? I don't see him.
GK: You've turned him against me, Ellen, haven't you?
SS: Nonsense. He's happy with me, that's all. And he remembers your anger only too well.
GK: My anger?? What about your anger???
SS: You're the reason I was angry, Steve. I feel much better now. And so does Rex.
GK: Oh, please. Get over yourself.
SS: Dogs have a sixth sense about abuse, Steve.
GK: Abuse???
SS: Yes. Let's call it by its name.
GK: I cannot believe that every time I pick up my dog, I have to go through this.
SS: You were abusive. He knows it and I know it.
GK: Rex? He was always wagging his tail!
SS: But he was hurting underneath. We both were.
GK: When you're an artist, Ellen, there is a lot of feeling involved, a lot of stress.
SS: Let's not talk about it, Steven. It's over. It's done.
GK: Oh, so you want to be able to bring it up and then tell me let's not talk about it—
Tim Russell: Is everything okay, Ellen? Oh. Hello, Steven. I'm Brent. I've heard a lot about you.
GK: Oh great.
SS: Don't say it, Steven, because you have no say about me anymore—
TR: Is there something we can help you with?
GK: I just came to pick up Rex. It's my weekend.
TR: Well, Rex is sort of busy right now. Can you come back later?
GK: Busy? A dog?
SS: I enrolled him in Montessori, Steven.
GK: My dog goes to a school? Why wasn't I consulted?
TR: It's been great for him. He's really individuating.
GK: I didn't ask you.
SS: He's made so many friends there, Steven. He's like a whole new dog.
GK: Rex—(DOG PANTING, TOENAILS CLICK ON FLOOR) Rex—
SS: Shake, Rex.
GK: Hey Rex.
SS: Rex, speak. (CLAPS TWICE)
Fred Newman (DOG): Bonjour. Je m'appelle Rex. Bien enchante.
SS: It's a French immersion Montessori.
GK: What good is that going to do him?
TR: We wanted to expand his world.
GK: Butt out, would you? This is not your dog.
SS: Don't be abusive, Steven. Brent is my partner. He's Rex's step-parent.
GK: Rex, they're not involving you in anything weird, are they? You can tell me.
FN (DOG): Mais non! Please, make yourself comfortable. My home is your home. Mi casa es su casa.
GK: Rex, look at me.
FN (DOG): I used to hump people's legs and drool on the carpet and I don't anymore.
SS: It's the best dog school in Manhattan, Steven. There's a waiting list. Barbara Walters's dog goes there.
GK: What does this school cost, anyway?
SS: Well, Brent is paying for it, so—
TR: It's not bad. Just $4,000. a month.
GK: $4,000. a month!
SS: It's like seven months in dog years.
GK: Rex. Come on, boy. Let's go—-
FN (DOG): Don't call me "boy"—
GK: Rex. Come on—
FN (DOG): We need to talk, Steve.
GK: Ellen—what have you done to him?
FN (DOG): This is not about Ellen, Steve. It's about you. I want to talk about all those times when you pretended to throw a ball, and then you hid it behind your back — and the way you used Milk Bones to get me to sit— I call that controlling behavior.
GK: What have you done with my dog!
SS: We've learned so much about Rex now that he can speak. We learned that he thinks parking meters are pay toilets.
TR: Ellen says you've written a play, Steve—
GK: I did. It opened last night.
TR: Congratulations.
GK: And closed.
TR: Sorry.
SS: I'm sorry to hear that, Steven. What happened?
GK: I don't want to talk about it—
SS: Is this the one where your people don't talk? Where they just hum and they use flyswatters for puppets?
GK: It's a conceptual thing. The audience just didn't get it.
TR: I just started shooting my next motion picture, Steven. If you'd like a job as a production assistant—
GK: No thanks. I think I'll just go home and read a book.
FN (DOG): Come back when you're ready to talk, Steven.
SS: Thanks for coming, anyway. I hope we didn't upset you.
GK: You know what? Never mind. I'm going home. Just forget it.
TR: The job offer's always open, Steve.
SS: I think it'd be easier on everybody if, next time, you called before you came for visitation—
GK: I don't think that's going to happen, Ellen. I'm leaving New York. I'm moving to Minnesota.
SS: You??? Minnesota???? Ha!!!! You won't last a month!!!! You're too weird!!!
(MUSIC: THE GREAT HEART OF THE PRAIRIE)
GK: So I got on a plane and went to Minnesota and right away life got simpler. No more ex-wife and her boyfriend and an accusatory dog, just a really nice guy from the Minnesota Refugee Commission there to meet me at the airport— (TR MINN: Here. I brought you a warm coat. And these here are your sponsors. Want you to meet Ole and Lena— they'll show you around). And these two lovely people were there. (TR SWEDISH, SS SWEDISH) Heavy-set and they had accents, but very nice. Yes, it was cold. (BLIZZARD, WOLF) But that simplified things. They showed me how to drive on ice and snow. —(TIRES SPINNING)—
SS (MINN): Hey — don't spin your wheels. (SPINNING) Rock it. Back and forth. (SPINNING FASTER) Easy!
GK: And I got a new dog. Rolf. (WOOF) A dog who was happy to be a dog and didn't want to take over my life. —Go to the store, Rolf. (WOOF) Buy me coffee. And cheese. (WOOF) I'm putting a five-dollar bill under your collar. (PANTING) Keep the change. (WOOF)
TR: Minnesota. It's a darned good place to live for all normal purposes. So— Come. (BARK) Sit. (PANTING) And Stay. (WHINE) Stay. (BARK)
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