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Monk script
Saturday,
December 24, 2005
Listen
Sue Scott: Why do you keep leaving dishtowels lying on the counter like this?
Garrison Keillor: Leave what?
SS: Dishtowels. You throw them around like ----
GK: Sorry.
SS: I've told you a thousand times ---- there's a rack for dishtowels. It's right there. You don't have to throw them on the counter.
GK: I didn't throw it exactly -----
SS: I mean, how much effort does it take to hang up a dishtowel?
GK: Well, I didn't throw it---- I laid it on the counter----
SS: It's sitting there all crumpled up----
GK: Okay, but I didn't throw it, okay?
SS: Look at it----
GK: It wasn't hurled there. It wasn't flung----
SS: Okay, you dropped it then----
GK: I laid it there.
SS: Whatever. It's not important.
GK: If it's not important, why are we talking about it?
SS: I only mentioned it. Why are you so sensitive that I can't even bring up a little thing like a dishtowel that you threw down on the kitchen counter right after I had finished straightening everything up? Okay, I won't say another thing. Just let the house go to hell and throw stuff on the floor ---- fine, whatever you want. Pee in the sink. Go ahead.
GK: I don't know what you're talking about.
SS: It's what men do. Go ahead. I know you want to. They all want to. The world is their toilet.
GK: I thought we were going to have a nice Christmas----
SS: Oh blame it on me. Blame everything on me. I can't even say one word and all of a sudden Christmas is cancelled. Fine. We won't have Christmas. Whatever you want. I'll just go to my parents. (SLAM DOOR)
Tim Russell: If things are tense around your house at this sacred season, we of the Order of St. Bernie are ready to help. Maybe what you need is a Christmas Eve retreat. There's a St. Bernie chapter house near you.
IMPROV. FN, TR, GK: ---- Hey how are you? Oh not so bad. How's your Christmas? Okay. Old lady's a little wound up. Yeah. Mine too. Giving me a hard time. ---- TO: How about a beer? Okay. (POP OPEN CAN) Don't mind if I do? What's on TV? Knicks game. Turn up the sound.
TR: The Order of St. Bernie ----- If you think monastic life is stone floors and silence, think again. What monastic means is ---- all guys, no women. The rules of the monastery are for us to know and them to find out. (CORKSCREW, OPEN CORK. POUR) It is a feast day, after all. Monastic just means ---- nobody's going to make a federal case out of you leaving a dishtowel on the kitchen counter. (MUSIC)
GK: I'm going on a retreat.
SS: When?
GK: Now.
SS: Now??? But ------
GK: Sorry. I've got to go.
SS: Why?
GK: It's a spiritual thing.
SS: But I thought we were going to church.
GK: I'll meet you there later.
SS: Well----- ----(PAUSE) is anything wrong?
GK: Everything's fine. I just need to be with the monks.
TR: Come on in. The game's on. Beer's cold. The Order of St. Bernie. Our motto is: have mercy. And that's what we do. Three-hundred-sixty-five days a year. Including Christmas.
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