A Prairie Home Companion with Garrison Keillor

Bush script
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Listen

Tim Russell (BUSH): Hi there, it's me, your president. I've been very sorry to hear that some of my Administration's policies have caused heavier use of alcohol out there, so I'm here to remind you not to talk politics tonight which may lead you to get blind drunk and drive like a crazy person weaving all over the road and hitting stuff so you get caught and you're arrested for D.W.I. and that stays on your permanent record, where people can dig it up later and use it for their own partisan political agenda. And if you're out partying tonight, don't trust your friends who say, "Sure, you're fine to drive home. No problem. Go for it." You're going to be seeing flashing lights in the rear-view mirror and get hauled up before a judge and I won't be able to help you, even though I am certain that you're innocent. So don't talk politics tonight. And if you must, then stay home and drink alone. Don't even get in the car. It's not worth it. Be safe this New Year's Eve and remember, you are safer with me at the wheel. And you know that. Happy New Year.