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Rhubarb script
Saturday,
December 31, 2005
Listen
Garrison Keillor: ..brought to you by .Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie and frozen pie filling. (MUSIC UNDER) For Christmas, you got that new cell phone you've been waiting for. It takes pictures (CLICK), video (SFX), sends text messages and has a sonar screen (PING PING), opens your garage door (SFX), and it's an invisible fence if a dog comes after you (DOG BARKING, TONE, DOG WHINE). Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good reception.
Sue Scott (VOICE MAIL): Hon, I need you to be home by (SILENCE) my mother's— absolutely— (BEEP)
GK: What?
Tom Keith (VOICE MAIL): Dad, my therapist said it's your fault—(SILENCE)—I can't even g—alcohol—(BEEP)
Tim Russell (OFFICIAL): We have a collie here that fits the description of your lost dog. If you could just come down t—5 P.M—euthanized. (BEEP)
SS (LADY): This is Elaine from the bank. Not sure if this is identity theft or legi- —account in the Baham—cockfight betting pool—call me back at 61——
GK: You call the cellphone company's 800 number and leave your name and number and they call back—
TK (JOWLY): (GARBLED)—(GARBLED)—(GARBLED)
GK: You go back to the store where you bought it and of course they know nothing.
TK (TEEN): I never saw that before. I just work here.
GK: You look up the name of the distributor in the phone book and you find an address in the warehouse district and you drive there. (CAR SLOWS, STOPS. DOOR OPENS. CLOSES. FOOTSTEPS.) It's a spooky part of town. Alleys strewn with broken glass. (FOOTSTEPS ON GLASS) Steam coming up from the manhole. (ALLEY CAT) The office of the cellphone distributor is a red door with WELCOME written on it in glittery adhesive letters. (KNOCKS. PAUSE. DOOR OPENS)
(SEXY SAX)
SS: Hi, big boy. Want to come in and talk on my phone?
(CELLPHONE RING)
GK: It's your phone. Maybe it works now. (PICKUP)
TK: Hello?
TR (ON PHONE): This is Doctor Ja—-I'm—to report your test results wer—Just make sure you don't—mangos and especiall—paralysis or death.
TK: Yikes. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, HEAVY BREATHING)
GK: And you run down the street, holding your phone up, trying to find a place where you get a signal— you turn the corner (HORNS OF CARS, SPEEDING PAST. FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) — doesn't work here— so you turn here (FOOTSTEPS RUNNING, TK PANTING) and a man tries to stop you (
TR: HEY!) and you fall into the open manhole (TK FALLING, SPLASH) and the raging waters carry you through the city's sewer system (RAPIDS), pulling you under (GASPING), and you go into a long tunnel (WATER RUSHING) and then you remember—
TK: The life raft!
GK: Your phone has a life-raft feature. You press the button (POOF, INFLATING), climb in, turn on the sonar (PINGS) and dial 911…
SS (NASAL, PHONE): 911 Emergency.
TK: I'm stuck in the sewer beneath… (PING PING) 14th Avenue and East 34th …(WATER SLUSHING)
SS (NASAL): Okay sir— make sure to go—waste treatment cen——nuclear runoff f——explosive devices.
TK: Hello???? Hello?!?!
GK: Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? (MUSIC THEME) Yes, nothing quite gets the taste of shame and regret out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
(SINGS)
One little thing can revive a guy
And that is a piece of rhubarb pie.
Serve it up, nice and hot,
Maybe things aren't as bad as you thought.
(ALL)
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Mama's little baby loves rhubarb, rhubarb
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
Beebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.
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