A Prairie Home Companion: January 14, 2006

Gopher script
Saturday, January 14, 2006
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(MUSIC)

Sue Scott: So how we doing this week?

Tim Russell: Good, good. (GOPHER TEETH CHATTERING)

SS: You seem a little anxious.

TR: Do I? (TEETH CHATTERING)

SS: How long have you been this way?

TR: I was chased by a dog this morning. I've been sort of on edge ever since. — Doctor? Could you just give me a pill? I know other gophers who are on anti-depressants and they say it works great.

SS: If I give you an anti-depressant, you won't be able to burrow.

TR: I could get an apartment.

SS: You're a gopher, Goldy. You have to live in the ground if you're going to be grounded.

TR: I just feel so bad about myself...I feel like a hamster with a big tail.

SS: Do people tease you?

TR: I keep finding wood shavings in my locker...And I've never felt good about my teeth.

SS: You have beautiful teeth.

TR: You could show movies on my teeth. And it makes me look stupid, like I'm smiling all the time.

SS: Ah, ah , aha ,ah. When you criticize yourself...

BOTH: ...you're helping out the people who are trying to bring you down.

SS: So tell me about your week. Have you been staying in the moment?

TR: Well, there was a basketball game against Wisconsin, and I look over at the Wisconsin side and I see all these kids with gophers hanging from sticks. The rest of the game, that's all I could think about. I feel so vulnerable.

SS: All animals have their strengths and weaknesses. Don't get down on yourself for being ...more accessible.

TR: I don't belong! I'm not a Wildcat or a Spartan or a Hawkeye or a Fighting Illini.

SS: You are who you are. A gopher.

TR: (SIGHS) Those Badgers are so brutal. And the Wolverines.

SS: You have to learn to deal with it.

TR: Other animals are fierce. I just run around waving my tail and smiling. And then I crawl into a hole.

SS: You're just as good as any other mascot. Keep telling yourself that.

TR: OK. I'll try.

SS: Good. You're time's up. And if you don't mind, could you get some toilet tissue and clean up what you did on the floor?

TR: Are those mine?

SS: Those are yours.

TR: I don't remember doing that.

SS: Goldy, I am a doctor. I do not leave small black pellets on the floor. Trust me.

TR: I feel so bad.

SS: You're gonna be fine. You maybe aren't going to be a golden gopher, but you're gonna be a good gopher. A perfectly adequate gopher. And that's good enough.

(BLUES VERSION OF ROUSER)