Fritz Electronics script
Saturday, February 4, 2006

Garrison Keillor: After this message from Fritz Electronics. Buyng a computer can be painful. You walk into a big-box discount store and wander around, confused, for half an hour, trying to read the stuff on the sides of the boxes, and finally —

Tim Russell (TEEN): Yeah?

GK: A 16-year-old sales clerk sort of waits on you and of course he can tell right away that you know nothing.

Sue Scott: I'm looking for a computer. For my home. One I can use. You know. Do e-mail and that sort of thing.

TR (TEEN): You want the 512 or the 256 RAM? And what kind of processor?

SS: I don't need a processor. I want a computer.

TR (TEEN): We've got the 2.53 GigaHertz with 533 FSB — you want the wireless upgrade? Or you can get the DVD/RWR/CDR combo upgrade and configure it with double layer write support so you can double the data you store on a single DVD. You want that?

SS: Uh. — Would you have it in a light blue, maybe— or beige?

TR (TEEN): What?

SS: And does that come with floppies?

TR (TEEN): What?

SS: Floppies.

TR (TEEN): Floppies? Dude, ya gotta speak English. I have no idea what you're talking about. (HE YELLS) HEY!!! KYLE!!! WHAT ARE FLOPPIES??

Fred Newman (TEEN, OFF): What? Floppies?? She wants floppies???? (HE SCREECHES AND LAUGHS) Here, lady. Here's a floppy. (HE WABBLES HIS CHEEKS AND LIPS) (STING OF SHAME, BRIDGE UNDER)

GK: It's hard buying a computer from a 16-year-old. They're on the information superhighway and you're on the information glacier.

SS: And is it possible to trade in my old computer on this one? This one—

FN: My god. Where did this come from? Albania?

SS: It's only five years old.

TR (TEEN): Five years! Send it to a museum. (FN & TR LAUGH HARD) Lady, there is no software that runs on that. I suppose we could use it as a stepstool. (THEY LAUGH)

GK: But at Fritz Computer, you buy your computer from someone who is your age.

TR (OLDER, MINN): Hi there. How can I help you?

SS: I want to buy a computer.

TR (OLDER, MINN): Good. Buy this one.

SS: This works okay?

TR (OLDER, MINN): Works darned good.

SS: Does e-mail and all—

TR (OLDER, MINN): Does e-mail and everything.

SS: How does it work?

TR (OLDER, MINN): It's a touch screen. See? You press one of those boxes. E-Mail. Surf Web. Write Stuff. Save Stuff. Pictures.

SS: Does it come with floppies?

TR (OLDER, MINN): No, we don't use floppies anymore.

SS: Oh. Okay. Do you have that in light blue?

TR (OLDER, MINN): Light blue or beige.

SS: I'll take the light blue.

TR (OLDER, MINN): Okay, we'll get that right out to you.

GK: Fritz Electronics......Kids under 21 only if accompanied by parents. And don't bother looking for our website. Because we don't have one.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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