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Fritz Electronics script
Saturday, February 4, 2006
Listen
Garrison Keillor: After this message from Fritz Electronics. Buyng a computer can be painful. You walk into a big-box discount store and wander around, confused, for half an hour, trying to read the stuff on the sides of the boxes, and finally —
Tim Russell (TEEN): Yeah?
GK: A 16-year-old sales clerk sort of waits on you and of course he can tell right away that you know nothing.
Sue Scott: I'm looking for a computer. For my home. One I can use. You know. Do e-mail and that sort of thing.
TR (TEEN): You want the 512 or the 256 RAM? And what kind of processor?
SS: I don't need a processor. I want a computer.
TR (TEEN): We've got the 2.53 GigaHertz with 533 FSB — you want the wireless upgrade? Or you can get the DVD/RWR/CDR combo upgrade and configure it with double layer write support so you can double the data you store on a single DVD. You want that?
SS: Uh. — Would you have it in a light blue, maybe— or beige?
TR (TEEN): What?
SS: And does that come with floppies?
TR (TEEN): What?
SS: Floppies.
TR (TEEN): Floppies? Dude, ya gotta speak English. I have no
idea what you're talking about. (HE YELLS) HEY!!! KYLE!!! WHAT ARE FLOPPIES??
Fred Newman (TEEN, OFF): What? Floppies?? She wants floppies???? (HE SCREECHES AND LAUGHS) Here, lady. Here's a floppy. (HE WABBLES HIS CHEEKS AND LIPS) (STING OF SHAME, BRIDGE UNDER)
GK: It's hard buying a computer from a 16-year-old. They're on the information superhighway and you're on the information glacier.
SS: And is it possible to trade in my old computer on this one? This one—
FN: My god. Where did this come from? Albania?
SS: It's only five years old.
TR (TEEN): Five years! Send it to a museum. (FN & TR LAUGH HARD) Lady, there is no software that runs on that. I suppose we could use it as a stepstool. (THEY LAUGH)
GK: But at Fritz Computer, you buy your computer from someone who is your age.
TR (OLDER, MINN): Hi there. How can I help you?
SS: I want to buy a computer.
TR (OLDER, MINN): Good. Buy this one.
SS: This works okay?
TR (OLDER, MINN): Works darned good.
SS: Does e-mail and all—
TR (OLDER, MINN): Does e-mail and everything.
SS: How does it work?
TR (OLDER, MINN): It's a touch screen. See? You press one of those boxes. E-Mail. Surf Web. Write Stuff. Save Stuff. Pictures.
SS: Does it come with floppies?
TR (OLDER, MINN): No, we don't use floppies anymore.
SS: Oh. Okay. Do you have that in light blue?
TR (OLDER, MINN): Light blue or beige.
SS: I'll take the light blue.
TR (OLDER, MINN): Okay, we'll get that right out to you.
GK: Fritz Electronics......Kids under 21 only if accompanied by parents. And don't bother looking for our website. Because we don't have one.
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