The Story of Bob script
Saturday, February 25, 2006


Tim Russell (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist

Sue Scott: Have some cheese curds, Bob. They just came out of the Fry Daddy, so they're still nice and warm. Here's a paper towel.

Garrison Keillor: I can't eat that, Berniece. Fat gives me gas.

SS: Oh—fat isn't bad for you anymore. No. Definitely not. They discovered that with science last week. Big study. It was in the paper.

GK: I just would rather not.

SS: Well Pops is eating them, and he doesn't seem to have a problem.

TR (POPS, MOUTH FULL): That's ok, all the more for us, right Rex? (PANTING, WOOF). Here boy, finish up these cheese curds (GOBBLE, SNARFING, PANTING).

GK: You keep feeding him cheese curds, Pops, he's gonna barf on the rug again. TR (POPS): Oh you just never mind, Mr. Fancy Pants. Act like you're a big artist, too good for the rest of us.

SS: Now, Pops— don't pick on Bob.

TR (POPS): Sits there with his nose in the air. Won't let us even use the telephone. Thinks somebody is gonna call up and want to buy his so-called sculpture. Ha! That'll be the day.

SS: Pops, that's enough.

GK: I am waiting for a call from Glenwood, for your information. They had a competition for a sculpture for the city park down by the lake. And I am one of the finalists.

TR (POPS): Ha! The day you win a sculpture competition is the day that pigs fly.

SS: Oh Pops. Don't be so negative. Bob is very sensitive to criticism, especially since he went to that arts luncheon and spilled ranch dressing all over Mrs. Montooth.

GK: Berniece! Do you have to keep bringing that up?

SS: Well, I know how embarrassed you were— especially when you went to dab it off her and you almost ripped her blouse off.

GK: I did not spill on her. I was bumped. By a rival artist. And I have a pretty good idea who. (PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that. Don't touch that.

TR (POPS): Oh for pity's sake—

GK: Just let it ring. (RING) I don't want them to think I'm over-anxious—

TR (POPS): Pick it up, for crying out loud.

SS: Bob— it might be Arvid—(RING)

GK: It's them. It's Glenwood calling. They have good news.

TR (POPS): Fat chance. (RING)

GK: I want everyone in this room to visualize success before I pick up the phone.

TR (POPS): Ha!

GK: Visualize success, Berniece. Please.

SS: Okay. (RING) I'm trying.

GK: Visualize a man at the other end saying, "Bob, this is Glenwood calling, and I have good news." Say it.

SS: Bob, this is Glenwood calling and I have good news.

GK: Pops.— Please. (RING)

TR (POPS): Bob, this is Glenwood calling and you've got something stuck to your shoes.

GK: Oh never mind. (PICK UP) Hello. Boblett residence. This is Bob. How may I help you? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Oh. Hello, Arvid. Yeah, she's right here. It's for you—

SS: Oh hi, Arvid.— Sure, we're home. We're always home. — Oh, I see. — Well, come right over. (HANGS UP) That was Arvid. He's coming over.

GK: We gathered that.

SS: So tell me more about your sculpture for the park, Bob.

GK: This is it, Berniece. Right up there on the buffet.

SS: It looks like a big balloon with a bunch of fingers sticking out of it.

GK: It's an abstract piece, Berniece.

SS: It looks like an upside down cow's udder.

TR (POPS): It's udderly ridiculous is what it is. Isn't that right, Rex? (LEG THUMPING, PANTING, COLLAR JINGLING) Piece of junk. (DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

TK: Hi there. Hi Pops. Hi Berniece. Hi Bob. How's everybody doing?

SS: Just fine. Never better.

TK: That's good.

SS: Sit down and take a load off, Arvid. What you got in the paper bag?

TK: Well, I came by with some smoked pig's ears.

GK: Oh boy.

TK: I know how much Rex loves smoked pig's ears.

TR (POPS): Hey, Rex— lookit what your good buddy Arvid brought over? Huh? (LEG THUMPING, COLLAR JINGLING, PANTING)

SS: This is Bob's new sculpture here, Arvid — what's the name of it, Bob?

GK: It's called Dimensions of Resonance.

SS: I see. Well, that's different, isn't it.

GK: It's a conceptual piece, Berniece. It's meant to represent a paradigm of sound imaging.

SS: What does that mean?

GK: It's just an idea. I don't know. I did it a couple months ago.

SS: I know, but I doubt that people who are out for a nice walk beside the lake on a summer evening are going to want to look at an upside-down cow's udder?

GK: It's not an udder. That's your interpretation of it. It's about sound.

SS: Well, how about a statue of an old fisherman? A fisherman carrying a bucket of minnows?

GK: I don't do figurative realism, Berniece. I got beyond that a long time ago. TR (OLD): Speaking of realism, Bob, you better get out there and sand the sidewalk before someone slips on the ice and we have a dead body out there. In addition to making your cow's udder or whatever, it'd be nice if you did your share of chores around here.

GK: I'll do it as soon as I hear from Glenwood.

TK: Who's Glen Wood?

SS: It's in Pope County.

TK: How do you know him?

GK: Because that's where it is.

TK: Where?

GK: Glenwood.

TK: He's there, too?

GK: It's not a he. It's a town.

TK: Where?

GK: Glenwood.

TK: That's who I was asking about.

GK: Glenwood is a town.

TK: He's Italian?

GK: It's a town. A town called Glenwood.

TK: Okay, okay. I was only asking a question. Don't get huffy about it. (DOG HACKS, GAGS)

TR (POPS): Uh oh. Looks like Rex is choking on a pig's ear.

GK: Get him outside.

TR (POPS): Poor old fellow. (DOG GAGGING)

GK: Get outside, Rex. (DOOR OPEN) Go. Git. (DOG GAGGING) Beat it. (DOG YELP, DOOR SLAM)

TR (POPS): Don't need to kick him just cause he's sick, Bob. (PHONE RING)

GK: Okay. This is it. I can sense it.

TR (POPS): How'd you like it if I kicked you?

SS: Let's just settle down.

GK: Let's have some positive thought everybody. (RING)

SS: Don't be too upset if they say no.

GK: Positive thoughts, Berniece.

TR (POPS): How about a positive kick in the shins? Huh? (KONK) (GK REACT) Serves you right for kicking my dog.

GK: I can't believe you did that.

SS: Pops, shame on you. (PHONE RINGS)

GK: At a time like this— to kick somebody.

TR (POPS): You kicked my dog—

TK: Who's calling?

SS: Glenwood.

TK: Where's he calling from?

SS: Who?

TK: Where is Hoo?

SS: Glenwood.

TK: That's what I was asking.

GK: Would everybody please stop talking? (PHONE RINGS) Just shut up. Think positive thoughts.

TR (POPS): Better pick up the phone, dingbat.

GK: Hello, Bob, it's Glenwood calling and I have good news.

TR (POPS): Bob, it's Glenwood calling and I gave you a bruise.

TK: I thought Glen Wood was the one on the phone.

SS: He is. Just say it, Arvid.

TK: Hello, Bob, it's Glen Wood calling and I'm on the phone.

GK: It's Glenwood calling and I have good news.

SS: It's Glenwood calling and I have good news. (PAUSE)

GK: It stopped. It stopped.

SS: Maybe they'll call back.

TR (POPS): Not likely. They've moved on by now.

GK: Why oh why don't we have an answering machine?

SS: Answering machine's just one more thing to worry about, Bob. Got enough clutter without adding more.

GK: That was them. They wanted me and I couldn't be there because I live with crazy people who refuse to get an answering machine.

TR (POPS): I'm going out to see to Rex. Make sure his butt isn't broken.

GK: A simple thing like a phone call. I can't even get a phone call in this house.

TR (POPS): People kicking my dog—

TK: Did I come at a bad time?

SS: No, no---

TK: I could come back later.

GK: My first sculpture commission in years—

SS: Maybe it's for the best. I just don't think that "Unmentionables" is a good title for a work of art.

GK: It's called Dimensions of Resonance.

SS: Why not a nice boat or something?

TK: You could put a TV in it.

GK: I could.

TK: A big TV.

GK: I could do a multimedia installation, with lasers.

SS: I don't think so.

GK: I could call it, Dimensions of A Boat. Anyone who wanted could add to it through an interactive blog.

TK: Cool.

SS: Not for the park I don't think so. (PHONE RING)

GK: You answer it, Berniece, it's not for me.

SS: (PICK UP) Hello— (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, he's here. (VOICE) Just a moment. — It's for you, Bob. It's Glenwood.

GK: Hello? (VOICE) Yes, this is he. (VOICE) You do? (VOICE) Well, that's wonderful. (VOICE) Oh. I see. (VOICE) Yes. (VOICE) Okay. (VOICE) All right, thank you. (HANG UP)

SS: Well?

GK: The good news is that I won.

SS: Wonderful.

TK: Congratulations.

GK: The bad news is that they got "Dimensions of Resonance" mixed up with a statue of an old fisherman. It's called "Old Ned".

SS: Oh?

GK: So they think I'm the sculptor of "Old Ned". They're offering me $2000.

SS: And you didn't tell them?

GK: I can do Old Ned. (DOOR OPEN) (POPS ENTERS, WITH REX) I'll do a plaster cast of somebody.

SS: But how?

GK: All I need is an old man who's a little stooped.

TR (POPS): Who you calling stupid?

GK: Nobody, Pops. Arvid, go down to the hardware and get me a hundred pound sack of plaster. Berniece, lay an old sheet in the bathtub.

TR (POPS): What you up to? Huh? What are you grabbing my hand for?

GK: You forgot to take your tranquilizer, Pops.

TR (POPS): Don't need no tranquilizer.

GK: Here it is, Pops. Open wide.


SS: Don't hurt him.

GK: Hurt him— Ha! I'm going to immortalize him.(THEME)

TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST...was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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