Disguise script
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: If you live in a place like Glenwood, Minnesota, population 2,570, you understand the joys of living in a tight-knit community. (CAR PASSING, HONKS) People here know you. You're not just a face — the clerk in the grocery store knows you by name.

Sue Scott (MIDWESTERN): Hey, Judy. Good to see ya. I like your hair that way. And those shoes. Like em better than the ones you were wearing yesterday, I gotta tell ya. Huh— sirloin, huh? Pretty fancy. I heard you got a big tax refund this year. Yeah, Bob down at the post office told me.

GK: In a small town, people know your business, and they know all of it, there are no secrets here.

(WOOF, COLLAR JINGLE)

SS (MIDWESTERN): Hey, looks like Rex is back up and at 'em. Guess you musta succeeded in expressing those blocked anal glands of his. Well, good for you. Speaking of anal— how're those hemmorhoids? That salve work for you? You look like you're walking more comfortable than you were last week.

GK: Sometimes a person craves a little anonymity, and if you don't want to move to Minneapolis, then maybe it's time to call Myrt at Farmland Costume Shop.

SS (MINN): Hey. We got everything you need, fake noses and chins, wigs, fake beards, everything to disguise you so even your own mom won't recognize you.

Tim Russell (MINN): What do you recommend for me, Myrt?

SS (MINN): Try this beard and eye patch and put a hook on your left hand—

TR: (PIRATE) Aye me hearties — blot your escutcheons and let's ready the grappling hook and we'll board that there schooner— (MINN) Naw, I don't think so. What else you got?

SS (MINN): Try this beret and little mustache—

TR (FRENCH): Mon Dieu, I am tremendous enchante to be here as a tourist in Lac Qui Parle— (MINN) Naw, anybody can tell I'm not French, Myrt.

SS (MINN): Well, you could put on a dress and false eyelashes and go in drag, Earl.

TR (MINN): Why I adore your little village here and the lake and my goodness the implement store — I never saw such strong clerks. It made me shiver. (MINN) Boy, if the guys at the Elks Lodge ever found out about this, I'd have to move to Willmar.

SS (MINN): Well, I got one more idea, Earl. Cowboy. Go as a cowboy. Neckerchief, hat, pair of six-shooters—

TR (JOHN W): Well, you just may be right about this. This feels good to me. How do I look?

SS (MINN): You look perfect.

TR (JOHN W): Thanks. I feel pretty darn good, too.

SS (MINN): So your herpes is cleared up?

TR (JOHN W): Not talking about that, Myrt. Just here to do what a man's got to do.

SS (MINN): My cousin got that off a toilet seat. That where you get it?

TR (JOHN W): How much I owe you, Myrt?

GK: Farmland Costume Shop, right here in Glenwood. When you need to be anonymous for awhile, come see us. You can be whatever you want to be, at the Farmland Costume Shop. (MUSIC PLAYOFF)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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