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Ruth Harrison script
Saturday, April 1, 2006
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(THEME)
Tim Russell: Once again we take you to the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.
(ORGAN)
Sue Scott: Such a beautiful day, Trent. Spring at last. "Loveliest of trees the cherry now is hung with bloom along the bough—"
Tom Keith (TEEN): Can I leave early, Miss Harrison—
SS: The question is May I leave early, Trent. And the answer is no. — Oh, I can't wait to take that new Norton Anthology of English Literature home and just rip right through it cover to cover. — "Rip" in the sense of read quickly, of course. Not literally. I would never knowingly injure a book.
TK: (TEEN) Yeah whatever, Miss Harrison.
SS: I wish you wouldn't say "whatever," Trent. It's rude and dismissive.
TK (TEEN): Hey, no prob, dude.
SS: Who's this coming in? (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Hello? How may I help you?
Garrison Keillor: Miss Harrison, I'm Walt Waterford, I'm an author, I'm here to do some research on a book I'm writing—
SS: Oh? What sort of book?
GK: I'm writing the unauthorized biography of a former striptease artist named Bubbles Bergerud.
TK: (TEEN): Who?
SS: Never mind, Trent.
GK: Bubbles Bergerud, the Va-Va-Va-Voom Girl, who used to do the Jello Jitterbug at the Kit Kat Club— I've been paid a handsome advance to come track her down and write a book that tells all—
SS: What a reprehensible thing to do, Mr. Waterford — to violate the privacy of a woman who no doubt wishes to put her past behind her and make a fresh start in life——
GK: The American people want to know.
SS: What business is it of theirs, Mr. Waterford?
GK: People don't have to justify their curiosity, Miss Harrison. Curiosity is a fact of life.
SS: Anyway, we don't have any research materials on the ecdysiast art...
TK (TEEN): The what?
SS: Ecdysiast, Trent. A stripper. A peeler. A hoochie-cootchie dancer.
GK: I'm not so interested in her dancing career. I'm more interested in what she's doing now. I hear she's living around here somewhere.
SS: It just seems like the publishing world has lost focus. Whatever happened to the idea of writing great literature?
(FOOTSTEPS)
TR (LADY): Speaking of great literature, Ruth, I do hope you will have a poem for the meeting of the Philolectian Club on Tuesday—
SS: Oh, hello, Shirley— yes, of course—
TR (LADY): The theme is Clouds. Oh— Hello—?
GK: Hi there.
TR (LADY): You're— not from around here, are you—
SS: This is Mr. Waterford, Shirley. He's an author of unsavory books.
TR (LADY): Oh, lovely. What sort of unsavory books do you write, Mr. Waterford? Fiction or non?
GK: I wrote the book about Emily Dickinson that showed she started out writing jingles for Dickinson's Dairy in Amherst. "Because I could not stop for milk, he kindly stopped for me— delivering some butter too, and a gallon of ice cream."
TR (LADY): Interesting. —
SS: We don't stock your books at the Herndon County Library, sir...
GK: And I don't see many customers here either...
SS: We call them patrons. And we don't trim our sails to public opinion, sir.
GK: Well, I do and that's why they paid me ten-thousand simoleons to write this baby.
TK (TEEN): Ten-thousand dollars???? Gee whiz.
SS: Trent, put your tongue back in your mouth.
TK (TEEN): What could I write for ten thousand bucks? How about my harrowing experience at a drug treatment center?
SS: Trent, stop babbling.
TK (TEEN): So what does this Bubbles Bergerud look like anyway?
GK: This is a picture of her right here—
TK (TEEN): Golllleeeeeee—
SS: Trent, put your eyes back in your head.
GK: You see she did the Jello Jitterbug with just two small raspberry jello molds and a spatula. Quite an innovation. Wouldn't you say, Miss—
TR (LADY): Miss Havisham. Shirley Havisham...
GK: You ever make Jell-O, Miss Havisham?
TR (LADY): That's a rather personal question, isn't it?
SS: I think we've heard enough from you, Mr. Waterford.
GK: You wouldn't happen to have a sister who was a dancer, would you?
TR (LADY): I don't see that it's any concern of yours—
SS: (GASPS) Oh my goodness. Where did you get that picture?
GK: You wouldn't happen to have a tattoo on the small of your back that says, "Slippery When Wet"?
TR (LADY): I should say not—
SS: Shirley— you never told me.
GK: C'mon, Bubbles. Out with it.
TK (TRENT): Miss Havisham? You danced and took off your clothes? Euuuuuuuu.
SS: Don't be rude, Trent!
TR (LADY): Why are you doing this, Mr. Waterford?
GK: People want to know, ma'am. I didn't invent the human mind, I just know how it works. Whatever people don't know, that's what they want to know.
TR (LADY): Well, here's something you don't know— (RIPPING, STRETCHING OF RUBBER)
SS: My goodness, she's taking off her face—
GK: Mr. Vice-President—
TR (CHENEY): Just another disguise, Noir. And this right here is a shotgun. Don't make me have an accident.
GK: Why are you doing this, Mr. Cheney?—
TR (CHENEY): Secrecy. An essential element in the fight against evil. Put your hands on the circulation desk, Waterford. You too, Miss Harrison.
SS: This is an invasion of our civil liberties, I hope you know.
TR (CHENEY): As long as you're in my country you'll do what I say. Now cluck like a quail. Do it.
GK: Do you mind if I take a few pictures, Mr. Cheney? I feel I could use them in an upcoming book.
TR (CHENEY): Back off, hack, I'm in charge here.
SS: I'll have you know I was trained in biblio kwan doe in library school— want to see it? (SHE CRIES OUT, KARATE-STYLE) (CRUNCH OF WOOD)
TK (TEEN): (QUAIL CLUCKING)
SS: Don't do it, Trent! You don't have to.
TK (TEEN): But he's got a gun.
SS: Not for long, he doesn't!
TR: (CHENEY): Don't come at me, lady. Just hand over your library records.
SS: Never. Want me to spell that for you?
TK (TEEN): Gosh, Miss Harrison.
SS: I recommend you leave now, Mr. Vice President— before I get really mad.
TR (CHENEY): Ha. That's a good one. A democrat getting mad. What are you going to do, throw some granola at me? Splash me with soymilk? (GUNSHOT GLASS SHATTERS) Whoops. I gotta go.
SS: You're going to pay for that glass door, Mr. Cheney. You owe it to the American people.
TR (CHENEY): (FADING, FOOTSTEPS) Don't worry, I'll come back — I always do.
TK (TEEN): Wow. Awesome. You really scared him off, Miss Harrison.
SS: Someone has to stand up for what's right in this country, Trent. And if librarians aren't willing to do it, I don't know who will.
ORGAN
TR: Join us again, when we bring you another gripping episode of the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.
ORGAN OUT
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