Ruth Harrison script
Saturday, April 8, 2006
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(ORGAN)

Tom Keith: Once again we take you to the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.

(TELEPHONE RING, PICK UP)

Sue Scott: Reference desk. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, right. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, of course. — The first line is — "Whan that Aprille with its showres soote, the droghte of March hath perced to the roote. (VOICE AT OTHER END) You're welcome. (VOICE AT OTHER END) No, it's not about Minnesota. The word "soote" — it means "sweet" in Old English. (VOICE) Yes, I am sure. (HANGS UP PHONE) (WALKS TO DESK. FIDDLES WITH PAPERS, DRAWER)

TK (TEEN): What's wrong, Miss Harrison?

SS: Oh—. Library patronship is down, Trent. Last week only 34 patrons went out our doors with a book. I fear that if the Library Board gets wind of this, they may want to revive their silly idea of renting DVDs—

TK (TEEN): What you got against DVDs, Miss Harrison?

SS: What do I "have" against DVDs?

TK (TEEN): That's what I said.

SS: In their place— DVDs are fine. But they have no place in a library. Libraries are for books, Trent.

TK (TEEN): But we've got computer terminals here.

SS: Yes and one can write on a computer terminal.

TK (TEEN): You can also watch movies.

SS: Don't be disagreeable, Trent. It gets on my nerves. — Ah, I see a patron. (FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) Good morning.

Garrison Keillor: Hi. You wouldn't happen to have a book that I could, you know— like carry with me to a job interview — you know. Something sort of classy.

SS: What job are you applying for?

GK: Radio show supervisor.

SS: You need a book to carry?

GK: Well, I don't want to look like a dummy.

SS: But what if they ask you if you've read the book?

GK: I'll tell em I just started it.

SS: So this is a job where you just — talk on the radio?

GK: No, I supervise.

SS: Who would you supervise?

GK: People talking on the radio.

SS: Supervise them to do what?

GK: Keep talking, I guess. Anyway it's a supervisory type of job.

SS: Well, how about a math book? So they know that you know something.

GK: Oh, I don't know the first thing about math.

SS: Well—(PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICKUP) Reference desk. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Chaucer wrote the "Canterbury Tales". (VOICE) Yes. (VOICE) That's right. (VOICE) C-h-a-u-c-e-r. (VOICE) No, we don't have it on DVD.

Tim Russell (BIG VOICE): Morning, Miss Harrison. (SHE DROPS PHONE)

SS: Oh!— Oh my— you surprised me, Mr. Parker. It's Mr. Parker, Trent. From the Library Board.

TR: Library's kinda quiet today.Huh? Kind of quiet, I'd say.

SS: We're in a lull.

TR: You people have a lot of lulls around here.

SS: It'll pick up soon.

TR: Doesn't seem like it'd take two of you to handle an empty library. Why can't the boy run it?

SS: He's not a librarian.

TK (TEEN): I'm a library associate.

SS: He requires supervision.

TR: Supervision of what? Let's be frank, Miss Harrison. You've taken taxpayers' money to build a little temple here for a religion that nobody but you believes in. There's nobody else here.

GK: I'm here>

TR: Who are you?

GK: Maynard Speece.

TR: What are you looking for, Mr. Speece?

GK: Here looking for a book.

TR: For what?

SS: He is up for a management position in radio and he's come to us for the reading materials that will enable him to pull himself up by his bootstraps and become a manager like yourself.

TR: I'm not a manager, I'm the president. The president of Parker Removal & Rendering.

SS: Exactly. And maybe he'll be a president too someday.

TR: Ha. You? In radio? You haven't said a peep since I walked in here.

SS: He's not a talker. He's a supervisor.

TR: (EXASPERATION) No point talking to you.

(FOOTSTEPS. DOOR SLAM)

TK (TEEN): Touche, Miss Harrison. Guess you showed him.

SS: Thank you for speaking up, Mr. Speece.

GK: Hey. No problem. You got any books about radio here?

SS: Trent, do we have any books about radio?

TK (TRENT): We've got a picture book. Art Deco Table Model Radios of the Nineteen Forties. And the Women of Public Radio Swimsuit Annual.

GK: I'll take that.

SS: Good luck, Mr. Speece. And don't forget to come back and see us again.

GK: You want me to return the book, right?

SS: Correct. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY, DOOR CLOSE)

TK (TEEN): High fives, Miss Harrison.

SS (KARATE CRIES): (SLAP OF HANDS) That man has got his heart set on closing us down. But we're going to stay open. No matter what.

(THEME)

TK: Join us next time for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.

(ORGAN)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

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Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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