Ruth Harrison script
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Listen

(ORGAN)

Tim Russell: Once again we take you to the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.

(TELEPHONE RING, PICK UP)

Sue Scott: Reference desk. (VOICE AT OTHER END) You wish to find out about what? (VOICE AT OTHER END) About Xerox and Wurlitzer merging? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Why would Xerox and Wurlitzer merge their companies, sir? (VOICE AT OTHER END) To make a reproductive organ? I don't get it. (VOICE) Goodbye. (HANG UP)

Tom Keith (TEEN): Old Mr. Gibbons at it again, huh, Miss Harrison?

SS: He asks the stupidest questions.

TK (TEEN): Speaking of stupid, here comes the County Supervisor! Yikes! (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS)

TR: Miss Harrison— Trent—

SS: Good afternoon, Mr. Compton.

TR: Sure. Right. Listen— I keep getting calls from people who wonder why we're not stocking more electronic books in the library, Miss Harrison. What's the problem? You don't know how to work them?

SS: I don't stock them, Mr. Compton, because they are crap. C-r-a-p. They are debris.

TR: Sez who? Sez you.

SS: They're cheap knock-off versions of much better books available in hardcover.

TR: Hardcover!

SS: Hardcover books are superior in every way—

TR: You ever hear of the computer, huh? How about the word "pixel"? Ring a bell? Or are you too busy with your nose up your bookends?

SS: Why you idiot— (EFFORT, SWINGS) (BIG THUD) (GROANS, FALLS)

TK (TEEN): Miss Harrison! You clubbed him with Webster's Second Unabridged— . Golleeeee.

SS: What? I— I don't know what got into me.

TK (TEEN): You really decked him. He's out cold.

SS: Oh dear—and we're expecting fifty people for a book reading.

TK (TEEN): Gosh, here they come.

SS: Oh no. Drag Mr. Compton over there behind the circulation desk, Trent. And cover his body with renewal notices. (CROWD ENTERS) — Take your seats, everyone. Miss Feathersworth will be here momentarily.

TK (TEEN): Who's Miss Feathersworth?

SS: Ashley Feathersworth. She wrote a book called "Woman on the Side". It's chick lit. The literature of low expectations. I am only using her as bait to draw women into the library so I can redirect them to real literature. Books that challenge and inspire.

TK (TEEN): Gosh, she's gorgeous.

SS: If you ask me, those are breast implants.

TK (TEEN): Shhhhh. Here she comes to the microphone.

(HIGH HEELS)

SS (SEXY, WHISPERY): Hi. Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me. This is from my new novel. "Victoria wasn't sure if she should wear the red dress with the alligator pumps, or the green sweater with the plunging neckline with the black mini. Charles would arrive in 7 minutes. Her heart thumped in her chest like a kitten trying to get out of a pillowcase. What would she do? It all came down to this one decision...her very life hung in the balance. Her career. Her love life. Her future ability to maybe have children or not, depending on what she felt like at the time. Green or red. Green or red. Then the doorbell rang." Thank you. (LIGHT APPLAUSE)

TK (TEEN): Wow, Miss Harrison, did you hear that?

SS: It's just a trashy novel about women standing around looking good and fighting tooth and nail for non-committal men who are preoccupied with golf. Speaking of which— here, help me drag Mr. Compton down the basement. (EFFORT) What a lummox.

Garrison Keillor: Hello— what happened to him?

SS: A dictionary fell on him. Who are you?

GK: I'm Ashley Feathersworth's manager. I brought the cucumber finger sandwiches.

SS: Oh. Don't I know you from somewhere? What's your name?

GK: I'm Hunter Rodcliffe.

SS: Hunter Rodcliffe! You wrote the book, "Killer Bees." And "Consider the Snake", I've read them over and over. They're fascinating! Just fascinating!

GK: Thank you.

SS: Sorry, it's just--what are you doing working for Ashley Feathersworth?

GK: Writing creative nonfiction drove me into bankruptcy, ma'am. I had to pay for groceries.

SS: Well. I suppose you must find her very attractive—

GK: Not really. I prefer women of substance. Women who read classic literature, and know the Dewey Decimal system by heart. The kind of woman who's not afraid to wear soft-soled shoes and have her glasses on an attractive chain around her neck. Mind if I adjust your chain, Miss Harrison.

SS: You can adjust my chain anytime you like, Mr— Mr—

GK: Call me Hunter.

SS: Hunter—

GK: Behind those big glasses on a chain you have the most beautiful eyes I think I've seen in or out of a library. And the four-times magnification only makes them more beautiful.

SS: Oh Hunter. — Hold me. — Whatever happens between us, Hunter— keep in mind that my duty to the Herndon County Library comes first. I may have to be strict.

GK: I need a woman who knows how to be strict. (THEME)

TR: Join us next time for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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