Soap script
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Listen

(ORGAN THEME)

Sue Scott: Once again we return to O.R. Number 4 of St. Mary's Hospital where the world-famous cardiac surgeon Dr. Brad Benson saves lives even as he struggles to find love and fulfillment — here on THE OPEN HEART.

ORGAN SWELLS AND THEN UNDER

(VENTILATOR)

SS: We're all ready, Dr. Benson. Ready for the quadruple bypass with the backward half-gainer. (MEDICAL MACHINE BEEPING)

Tim Russell: Scalpel

SS: Scalpel (INSTRUMENTS CLINKING)

TR: Forceps

SS: Forceps

TR: Gimme that long thing with the thingamajig on the end.

SS: This long thing?

TR: I think so.

SS: What's wrong, Dr. Benson? You're perspiring heavily and your eyes are dilated.

TR: I seem to have been struck by a sudden case of — what's it called?

SS: Amnesia?

TR: Amnesia. I can't remember the first thing about surgery. How to do it or why? What am I doing here? All I wanted was to be a singer— it was my father who wanted to be a surgeon! Why am I living my father's life? Why? (RIP)

SS: Let me take over, Dr. Benson.

TR: You? But you're only a scrub nurse.

SS: I've seen this operation a thousand times. I could do it in my sleep. Forceps.

TR: Forceps.

SS: Scalpel.

TR: Scalpel. (CLINK OF INSTRUMENTS)

SS: Give me that long thing with the whatchamacallit on the end.

TR: Long thing with the whatchamacallit. (CLINKING) I want to talk about last night.

SS: What about it?

TR: What happened? I don't remember anything.

SS: You threw yourself at me, Brad. You told me your life was a hollow burned-out shell and you begged me to leave my Lutheran minister husband and go with you to Cancun.

TR: Nurse—

SS: What?

TR: This patient you're operating on— what's her name?

SS: It's a he, Brad. Take a look at the chest. That's where we're operating today. It's a man named Rocky Mottola. .

TR: Rocky Mottola!

SS: You know him?

TR: He's my twin brother.

SS: Your brother?

TR: My twin brother. We were separated at birth when our missionary parents were eaten by a Komodo dragon during Bible study and we were returned to America by parcel post. The post office lost him and I only found him yesterday at the YMCA. I recognized him by the starfish birthmark under his arm.

SS: Oh my gosh. What'd he say?

TR: He said, "Our million-dollar inheritance is buried under the south-facing shrubbery behind—" and then he had a heart attack and he collapsed in my arms.

SS: Well, he's going to have a beautiful heart now that I've replaced those blocked arteries with nice fresh ones from you.

TR: From me??

SS: I harvested four veins from your right leg while you were on the phone ordering Chinese take-out, Brad.

TR: But why?

SS: I want Rocky and me to have a good long life together—

TR: You and Rocky!!!

SS: I've been crazy about him since late last night. I went to prep him for surgery and it was love at first sight.

TR: What about your husband?

Tom Keith: What about me, Brad?

TR: Pastor Torkelson! Where are you?

TK: I'm the man with the blue mask, Brad.

TR: The anesthesiologist??

TK: My parishioners thought I'd be good at it and they were right.

TR: You're assisting your wife at a surgery to repair the heart of the man she intends to run off with?

TK: I'm Lutheran, Brad. We try to be helpful no matter what.

TR: You're a big man, Pastor Torkelson. I admire you more than I can say.

TK: I don't want your admiration, Brad. I want your help.

TR: With what—

TK: I went into the ministry to be a shepherd, Brad. And I was good at it. But I knew something was missing. I've discovered that inside, I'm a German shepherd, Brad. I'm a dog in a man's body.

TR: A female dog?

TK: No, of course not. A male.

TR: Good. But what can I do —

SS: My husband is a transpecied man. He's had one operation —

TK: See? (WHISKING)

TR: Your tail!

TK: Like it?

SS: And now he needs more operations — he needs jowls and a nose job. And hair transplants.

TR: I could be kicked out of the American College of Surgeons for this.

TK: I can tell you one thing: God will forgive you, Brad.

SS: Scalpel.

TR: Scalpel.

SS: Forceps.

TR: Forceps.

SS: Long thing.

TR: Long thing. (CLINKING)

SS: Chainsaw.

TR: Chainsaw. (CHAINSAW START, REV, THEN SLICE)

SS: Oh my gosh. What have I done?

TK: You accidentally cut Dr. Benson in half, Lorna

SS: Is he dead?

TK: Unless he's an earthworm, I think he's probably a goner.

TR (WEAK): Lorna—

SS: Don't talk, Brad.

TR (WEAK): Why not?

SS: Okay, go ahead and talk.

TR (WEAK): But why did you say Don't talk?

SS: Because you're dying. Because I thought it was the right thing to say. I'm sorry. You're right. You should be able to talk if you want to. Go ahead. Say whatever you like. Talk. Brad? (SHE SLAPS HIM) He's dead.

TK: But Rocky Mottola is doing great. Pulse is strong. He's breathing on his own. You and he should be very very happy together.

SS: Thank you. And what about you?

TK: (WOOFS)

SS: Don't worry. We'll find you a surgeon. In fact, now that I've done my first bypass, I think I'm, ready for a new challenge. Scalpel. (ORGAN THEME)

TR: Join us again next week at this same time when once again we visit O.R. No. 4 on THE OPEN HEART. (THEME OUT)

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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