Brass script
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Listen

(BRASS BAND PIECE)

Fred Newman (BIG ANNC): August, 1804...on the Missouri River... (FOOTSTEPS)

Tim Russell: Captain Lewis—

Garrison Keillor: Captain Clark—

TR: The sergeant said you wanted to see me.

GK: Yes, Captain Clark. Thank you for coming so promptly.

TR: Would you mind if we dropped the Captain? If you called me Bill and I called you Meriwether?

GK: I don't think that's a good idea.

TR: Or I could call you Meri?

GK: Please, Captain Clark. It's a long expedition and we need to maintain high standards and that's why I asked you to come. It's about your journal.

TR: What about my journal?

GK: I took a look at it this morning and I see things like "serjeant" spelled with a J. Beautiful spelled "b-u-t-i-f-u-l-l".

TR: What's wrong with that?

GK: This is an important expedition, Captain Clark. We're being sent to explore lands that no white men have ever seen and to bring back a scientific description of what we see. If our spelling is atrocious, nobody's going to believe us.

TR: Who died and made you the editor? Huh? You don't like my spelling, quit reading my journal.

GK: Tow rope spelled "t-o-e r-o-a-p-e". You'd think it was a rope that we tie around someone's toe.

TR: So what?

GK: People see toe roape, they see the word butifull instead of beautiful, they're going to think, Who were those yahoos?

TR: When people see the route we took, they're going to wonder, who was doing the navigating?

GK: You don't care for my navigating?

TR: I hope they don't try to build roads on this scenic route you're taking us on.

GK: You are such a pill. I was the one who talked Mr. Jefferson into letting you go along.

TR: Ha!

GK: He said, "Clark? What you want to take that dummy along for? The man spells like a four-year-old child."

TR: Liar liar pants on fire.

GK: Sioux is not spelled "S-e-o-u-e-x" —

TR: Where'd I write that?

GK: Right there. Look. Right below the toe roape. And the butifull day.

TR: Oh who gives a rip. (FOOTSTEPS) Who's this?

GK: The Indian woman.

Sue Scott: Greetings. My name is Sacajawea.

TR: What you want, lady?

SS: I come to help you and to translate for you and to guide the white man's party toward the big water. But if I help you, I want to make sure I get credit. Name is spelled s-a-c-a-j-a-w-e-a,

GK: Get that, Captain Clark?

SS: I don't want to read about this someday and see my name spelled sacroiliac or severe diarrhea or something like that.

GK: Don't worry about it. Let's move em out—

TR: Move em out—

FN (REPEATS ORDER): (BUGLES)

TR: Let's go, Meri.

GK: After you, Capt. Clark. (BUTTON)