Guy Noir script
Saturday, May 6, 2006
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(THEME)

Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was spring in St. Paul, and I should've been enjoying it, but I seem to be allergic to crocuses (BIG BUILD AND SNEEZE) and to corned beef hash (BIGGER BUILD AND SNEEZE AND GLASS BREAKAGE, WOOD CRUNCH, DOG RUNS AWAY YELPING) so I was grateful when I got an e-mail from Greeley, Colorado, asking me to come out and take care of a problem, I was glad to go. (BRIDGE)

(FOOTSTEPS, COWS MOOING)

TR: I'm Clint, Mr. Noir. I'm the foreman here on the Double L. Lily LeToile's ranch.

GK: Lily LeToile! The film star who purchased a 15,000 acre ranch as a weekend getaway.

TR: That's her.

GK: A ranch that she runs as a nursing home for aging beef cattle.

TR: She calls it a rescue center. She buys cattle at auction and brings them here to live out their lives.

GK: Looks like she has quite a few.

TR: Sixteen thousand four hundred twenty-seven. Three cows passed on in the night.

GK: Died of old age—

TR: Yes. Heart attacks.

GK: So how do you feel about this, Clint?

TR: You don't want to know.

GK: Oh— here she is now. Hi. (APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS) Miss LeToile. Guy Noir here. I got your e-mail.

Sue Scott: Good. Come into the house. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS. FOUNTAIN. PARROT)

GK: The house was unusual for a ranch house. It had a fountain and a macaw.

Fred Newman (PARROT): I'm a parrot. Not a macaw.

GK: A parrot and it had ferns and shrubbery—

FN (MACAW): I'm a macaw. An Irish macaw. I'm a McGillicuddy on my mother's side.

GK: A whole solarium. And a hunchback.

(FOOTSTEPS, ONE FOOT DRAGGING)

FN: The tea is served in the dining room, my lady. And your massage therapist is waiting upstairs. Shall I warm the oils?

SS: Thank you, Igor. Later. —Mr. Noir, I need your help. I'm desperate. These are my children, Mr. Noir. And a man named Briggs Wofford is suing me for violating feed-lot regulations— I'm not operating a feed lot! A feed lot is about death! This is a cattle rescue center! It's about life! It's about allowing living creatures to reach their full potential! It's about love, is what it's about.

GK: Eighteen thousand head of cattle is a lot of cattle, Miss LeToile.

SS: This disgusting Wofford person is a developer. A man with a bulldozer obsession. He wants to get his hands on my spread and make a town called Wofford Hills. Over my dead body.

GK: So how can I help?

SS: I'm being bled white by this cattle operation. I had to put my other houses on the block. My last movie was slaughtered by the critics.

GK: The movie, "Café" — I heard of it.

SS: Yes, CAFÉ. It stands for Conversation, Accents, Facial Expressions. It was an independent film. I invested millions in it and now I'm broke.

GK: So how broke are you?

SS: I'm so broke I can't even pay you.

GK: That's very bad.

SS: Help me. Please. I'll make it worth your while.

GK: How?

SS: Whatever you'd like—

GK: Would you iron my shirt?

SS: If that's what you want.

GK: Let me think about it. (BRIDGE) I walked outside and (MOOING) as far as I could see were cows, all of them looking for the next handout. And standing leaning on the fence was an old man in a white robe and turban.

TR (INDIAN): And a very very good day to you, good gentleman. Are you a friend of Miss LeToile? Very nice lady. Very nice. I am her guru.

GK: You a swami?

TR (INDIAN): No, I am not a swami, I am a guru.

GK: What's the difference?

TR (INDIAN): A swami is a holy man. He is a visionary. A guru is a consultant. I have many many visions but only if I am paid to have them. I am the Rama-Lama-Origami.

GK: You're Hindu?

TR (INDIAN): I was Hindu and now I'm Hindutheran.

GK: Interesting.

TR (INDIAN): I worship Krishna and Vishnu and also St. Olaf.

GK: And how did you become Hindutheran?

TR (INDIAN): I went to a supper in a holy place.

GK: A church supper.

TR (INDIAN): And I had the dish of the hot fish with the noodles.

GK: Tuna hotdish.

TR (INDIAN): And my eyes were opened.

GK: But you're still Hindu. And these cows are sacred to you, right?

TR (INDIAN): Some are more sacred than others. Some of them are very very bad. Very selfish. And that is why I am going to open the gate. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: Are you sure about this?

TR (INDIAN): Martin Buber said that life is a journey to a destination of which the traveler is unaware.

GK: Yes. I've always hoped that that was Baskin Robbins.

TR (INDIAN): It's time for the cows to take their journey. (GATE CREAKS OPEN, COWS MOVING PAST, CLOPPING IN MUD) (BRIDGE, TIME PASSAGE)

SS: He did what? The Ramalama Origami has released my herd? They're gone?

GK: They went out to see the world.

SS: But I spent millions of dollars to buy those cows.

GK: And don't think they're not grateful. But— everybody has to leave home eventually.

SS: I got a movie offer today. They want me to do a remake of "The Wild Bunch" — an all-female version. Me and Susan Sarandon and Kathy Bates and Celeste Holm ride into a Mexican border town and steal a shipment of guns and try to shoot our way out and there's a blazing gunfight for about six minutes and we all die .

GK: Sounds like fun.

SS: Think I should do it?

GK: I think you should.

SS: I was so sure I had a mission to rescue cows. And now this place will probably go over to that disgusting Briggs Wofford.

TR (RICH GUY): Heh heh heh. Right here, Miss LeToile. Behind the arras.

SS: How dare you come in my house?

TR (RICH GUY): I was thinking of it as my house, actually.

SS: What's that in your hand?

TR (RICH GUY): Ever see a $100,000-bill? I got eighty of them here. Nice and fresh. Yours. Legal tender.

GK: Take the money, Miss LeToile.

SS: I don't know.

GK: Take the money and go make the movie. Be happy.

TR: Right here, lady. Nice little bundle. Eight million smackeroos.

SS: I can't.

GK: Sure, you can. (COW BELLOW)

TR: What the— Where did that come from?

GK: That cow looks mad. (BELLOW, HOOF CLOPS)

TR: No— no— get away from me. (COW MOO, CHEWING MONEY) No— Ouch! My money— (MOO, GULP)

GK: Eight million dollars gone just like that. And then (TR YOWL) the cow stepped on his foot. Clint came running (FOOTSTEPS) and stuck his hand down the cow's throat (COW GAGGING) and a ranchhand put his arm in from the other end (SQUORTING) and between them they managed to get about four million back. Lawyers would have to argue in court as to whether the cow had acted in Miss LeToile's behalf in accepting payment, making it a legal sale. It would take years to figure out what to do with the Double L, and meanwhile my spring fever had improved, so I headed back home. I was broke so I hopped aboard the California Zephyr (STEAM RELEASE) during a station stop in Denver and I befriended a lady in first class named Ruth Ann Rutherford.

FN (LADY): Your hands are so soft, Mr. Noir. Are you a professional massage therapist?

GK: I am, as a matter of fact.

FN (LADY): My lower back has been acting up something terrible. Oh it hurts.

GK: We'll have to do something about that. (WHISTLE BLOW. STEAM)

(THEME)

GK: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... me. Guy Noir.

Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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