SFX Rodeo script
Saturday, May 6, 2006
Garrison Keillor: It's Cinco de Mayo in Colorado, a holiday that celebrates the Mexicans' victory over the French, but is a much bigger deal up north among gringos. Down in Mexico, there is a big Norwegian craze and they have a huge Syttende Mai celebration where Mexicans like to bleach their hair blonde and put on ski sweaters and they hit at a piņata with sticks and out comes herring and cheese, but here in Colorado Cinco de Mayo is very big, thanks to the fact that around the first week of May people are in the mood for something, so we have prairie dog polo with the Ranchers vs. the Developers, the Tractors (SFX) versus the Bulldozers (SFX) and they bat a golf ball around (SFX SERIES) and try to get it into prairie dog holes and there's also some paintball (GUN, SPLORT) and here's a big swing (SWING) and the shot caroms off a passing semi (TRUCK/HORN), and off a Walmart storage shed (BARANG), and lands in a manure spreader (ENGINE GRINDING, THROWING CLOTS OF MANURE) and the ball is hurled by the spreader and off the windshield of an SUV (GLASS/CAR ALARM) and caroms off a shitzu (YELP), and a Lot for Sale sign (DONK), and off a lady's hairdo (BOINK) and into a Prairie Dog hole. (PRAIRIE DOG EXCITEMENT.)
And meanwhile I see the rodeo events taking place elsewhere here on the Larimer County Fairgrounds the cowboys are practicing for the Bee Roping (BEES, ROPE TWIRLING) and there is a toupee toss you throw a toupee so it lands on a pig's head and sticks like this (GAUGING DISTANCE, TOSSING, LANDS, PIG SQUEALS) pretty good. And now there's the salesman bulldogging. A real estate salesman in a bright yellow blazer will come running out of that chute and the cowboy will ride alongside and jump on him and wrestle him to the ground. Here comes the salesman (PANTING, RUNNING FAST) and the cowboy (GALLOPING HORSE, LEAP, RASSLING, TIES ROPE QUICK. HORN. P.A.: Five.pointsix seconds. Second place.)
They're getting ready for the Brahma dolphin riding, now. A dolphin races along a drainage ditch and you can only hold onto the dorsal fin. Here comes one now. (DOLPHIN, SPLASHING, COWBOY) There is the dirt boarding event. Boys riding barn siding towed by pickups across a plowed field, and here comes one now. (TRUCK, BOARD ON BUMPS.) Over here is the rider mower race (MOWERS), home owners racing soup-up mowers.
And here's the jackalope jumping competition. Jackalopes ridden by Chihuahuas leaping over double-wide mobile homes. (JACKALOPE RUNNING, DOG BARK, JUMP) And he's over.
Time for some road kill chili (BUBBLING POT) got some raccoon and armadillo in there, I see, and a couple of other things, with a light antifreeze sauce, served on a hubcap. Let's have the caribou taste it first. Here you go. (CARIBOU REFUSAL) Come on. Taste it. (CARIBOU SWALLOW, BELLOW) Good, huh?