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SFX Iceland script
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Listen
Garrison Keillor: Iceland became a Christian country a thousand years ago but just in case it didn't work out, they kept some pagan things too. Like trolls. (TROLL GRUNTING) Small ugly people who, goodness knows, life would be easier without them, but— maybe they serve a purpose, who knows. So they kept the trolls and also the elves. (ELVES HUMMING) The elves do a great deal of good that otherwise would never get done and just because we don't know exactly what it is doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. (ELVES HUMMING) The boy is bringing home his cow (MOO) and he sees a troll following them. (TROLL GRUNTS) The cow says, "Take a hair from my tail and throw it on the ground" so he does (SPROINNGGGG) and suddenly (WHOOSH OF WATER) there's a big river there. But the troll has a bull (DEEPER MOO) and the bull drinks it all up (MAJOR SUCTION) — So the cow says (MOO), take another hair from my tail (SPROINNGGG) and throw it on the ground and he does and (POOF, FIRE) there was a river of hot fire but the bull (DEEPER MOO) who had just drunk a river was looking for a place to pee and (POWERFUL SPRAY) he doused the flames. So the cow (MOO) said, take another hair from my tail and throw it on the ground (SPROINNGGG) and the boy did and suddenly (MAJOR TECTONIC PLATES SHIFTING, EARTH BULGING) there was a mountain right there. So the troll got out a drill (DRILL) and made a hole through the mountain and crawled in (TROLL GRUNTS) but it was too tight (TROLL STUCK) and he pushed and he pushed (TROLL PROFANITY) and he couldn't go anywhere and the sun came up (BIRDS) and when the sunlight hit the troll he turned to stone (TROLL GRUNT, BOING, STONE) and that was the end of him. The mountain was next to another mountain called Skalladunder which was an unhappy mountain (MOUNTAIN COMPLAINT), unhappy about the waterfall on him (WATERFALL) that made him wet and cold and unhappy about all the gas and steam he had inside him (MOUNTAIN DISCOMFORT, MOUNTAIN FARTS) and also unhappy about all the trolls who lived in a cave inside him (TROLL GRUMPINESS) and now he had this new mountain blocking his light (MOUNTAIN GROAN) so he decided to move to a nicer place and (EARTHQUAKE) when he did, the babies of Iceland all woke up and cried (CRYING) and of course this was unbearable for the mothers and fathers of Iceland and they called the President at home (PHONE RING) and complained and he sent a raven to talk to the mountain (CAW) and the raven said:
Fred Newman (RAVEN): Hey, you. Skalladunder. What's the problem?
(MOUNTAIN MOAN)
GK: And the mountain told the raven how he couldn't bear it any longer.
FN (RAVEN): Okay, how about we get rid of the trolls?
(MOUNTAIN THINKING, AGREEMENT)
GK: So the mountain promised not to move and the raven got the trolls moving (TROLL MUTTERING) and the President thought to himself, Where could I put all these ugly people where nobody will have to look at them? And that's how radio was invented.
(MUSICAL BUTTON: DIDDU)
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