A Prairie Home Companion: July 1, 2006

Lobster script
Saturday, July 1, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.

A warm summer night (CRICKETS, FROGS) and you get out the beer (POP, FIZZ, POUR) and you put the water on to boil (BUBBLING) and you open up the crate (SFX) and get out the lobster (LOBSTER) ----- and take off the rubber bands. You grab the lobster and you're about to thrust him into the steaming pot (LOBSTER ANXIETY) and he starts singing (LOBSTER: STOP.....IN THE NAME OF LOVE) and he's not bad for a lobster. So you don't kill him. (LOBSTER: Thank you, thank you, thank you.) He becomes a member of the family. He is good at chopping vegetables (CHOPPING). He details your car. (CLEANING) He goes to ballgames with you (HOME RUN, CROWD ROAR) And of course some people think it's odd that you have a lobster with you, but those are just the people you'd just as soon lose anyway, so he helps you weed out your address book. And your golf game improves (GOLF SHOT......yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!). And your daughter is accepted into Wellesley. (YES, YES, YES. POP CORK, CHAMPAGNE) And you become the Grand Master of the Ancient Order of Hibernians. (BAGPIPE) And then ---- one day at the beach ---- you put a pair of water wings on the lobster so he can swim (SWIMMING LOBSTER) and he does, but the ocean calls to him and he pops the water wings (POP) with his claws and he sinks like a lobster and you dive for him (DIVE) and he grabs hold of you (BUBBLES, STRUGGLE) and there's an army of lobster down there (SFX) and they get

a hold on you and soon you're in an enormous underwater cave (REVERB: Wow.....) and there is the King Lobster (ENORMOUS VOICE: Enter.....dry man.) There are dolphins (SFX) there and a whale (SFX) and penguins (SFX). And what do they want you for? They're coming toward you with a large sharp hook and what looks like 200-lb. test nylon fish line. (HORROR) You're bait, baby. Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie? Nothing gets the taste of shame and humiliation out of your mouth like Bebopareebop Rhubarb Pie.....THEME