Mother script
Saturday, July 1, 2006
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(HOPEFUL GOSPEL QUARTET INTRO)

Garrison Keillor: And now — TRUE STORIES FROM SCRIPTURE (FN REVERB) (THUNDER, LIGHTNING) —presents THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER. (COWS)

Tim Russell: Once there was a woman who had a feeder calf operation. She bought calves and fattened them up and sold them for beef. She did well and every year she put another big bag of shekels away in the cellar. She had a daughter and a son. The son was reliable (FN PURPOSEFUL HUMMING, SFX HAMMERING, SAWING) and a good worker and caused his mother no problems at all and the daughter was a little wild.

Meryl Streep: Darling — what does that tattoo say?

Erica Rhodes: It's Sanskrit. Never mind. —Mom, I'm leaving next week for a distant country to get wasted for awhile, what do you say?

MS: What do I say?

ER: I'm going to need about a million shekels.

MS: For what?

ER: If I could have it in fifties and hundreds, that'd be great. Or you could wire it to my bank.

MS: Darling—

ER: I just want it in cash. Plastic doesn't work in Sodom and Gomorrah.

MS: Sodom and Gomorrah?

ER: East Sodom. I found a sublet.

MS: I thought you were engaged to Harry. Harry Shepherd.

ER: Was engaged. He's such a pill. I want to live in Sodom and get wrecked. You know what I mean by "wrecked"?

MS: But why?

ER: (BIG SIGH)

Fred Newman: Excuse me. Mom. I'm heading down to the vineyard and I'll be back to take the calves out to pasture in a few hours, okay?

MS: Yes, of course. — Darling — Isn't there some way I can make you happy here on the farm?

ER: I'm just not a morning person. And I'm don't like red meat that much.

MS: We can put better window treatments in your room — I can do more with fish— vegetables—

ER: I need to get away for awhile, Mom. (MUSIC)

TR: And so the prodigal daughter gathered her inheritance together and headed off down the road. (QUARTET CHORUS)

TR: And she went to that far country and got a sublet and threw a big party. (PIANO, DRUMS, IN BURLESQUE NUMBER...PARTY HUBBUB)

ER: Hey! Let's invent new drinks. Gin and rum and whiskey and white wine — what do you say? We'll call it a Philistini! Let's get a funnel and pour it down each other's throats! (CLAMOR) Let's pour oil on each other, what do you say? (OIL) Let's have a food fight. (SPLORTS AND SPLATS) Let's throw big cream pies at each other! (SPLAT)

TR: She partied day and night. She rented elephants (SFX) and camels (SFX) and hired musicians (OUD) and dancing girls (DRUMS) and always more wine—

ER: And not the cheap stuff!!! Bring out the magnums of 1958 champagne (POP CORK)

FN (HIPSTER): You are such a joyful giving person, babes. So many gals from a farm background, they don't know how to live in the moment. You know? You have such a sense of who you are—

Sue Scott:Life is a party! you just have to find out the address from somebody.

ER: Hey! More wine for my pals. Put it on my tab. More of those 1988 Barolos.

TR (BARKEEP): Sorry. Party's over.

ER:What do you mean? It's only four a.m. It's not even light yet.

TR (BARKEEP): :Here's your bill, kid.

ER: Oh my gosh. I had no idea. (BUMMER NOTE) I've spent every last shekel I had.

TR: She had spent everything. And when it was gone, her friends drifted away (SERIES OF GOODBYES, OFF) and there arose a mighty famine in the land, and she began to be in want. So she got a job with a farmer who sent her into his fields to feed the swine.(HOGS)

FN (FARMER): Ordinarily we require swine feeders to have at least four years of college, but I'm going to put you in my internship program. Give you a chance to learn the swine business from the mud up. You can sleep out here and eat with the pigs.

ER: What?????

FN: If you don't want it I got a lot of people on the waiting list.

ER:No. Fine. Just trying to get it clear in my own mind, that's all.

(HOGS)

ER: C'mere, pig pig pig. C'mere, pig. (HOGS) Boy, those husks don't look that bad. Or that swill. C'mon, piggy, piggy, piggy. Move over.(MUSIC)

TR:And when she came to her senses she said.

ER:How many hired servants of my mother's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my mother, and will say unto h

ER: "Mother, I have sinned against heaven and before thee, and am no more worthy to be called thy daught

ER: make me as one of thy hired servants."

(PAUSE)

No, that doesn't sound good. I will arise and go to my mother and will say unto her, "Mother it was a great learning experience, and I made a lot of contacts and — No. I will arise and go to my mother and will say unto her, "Hi, Mom, how you been? Oh, I'm fine. Had a good trip. Say, you got anything to eat around here?"

TR: And she arose and headed for home. (FOOTSTEPS) (QUARTET CHORUS)

SS (SAMARITAN) Hey— need some water? Directions? Clean hanky? How about a neck rub?

ER: Hey let go of me!

SS: Let me bind up your wounds here.

ER:I don't have any wounds. Let go of me! Beat it.

SS: We have life coaches here, exercise rooms, a clinic — we can test you for things — A.D.D., T.R.P., E.G.O., G.A.S. —

ER:Let go! Boy, you darn Samaritans won't take no for an answer.

(QUARTET HALF-CHORUS)

TR:And when she was yet a great way off, her mother saw her, and had compassion on her, and ran and threw her arms around her and kissed her...(RUNNING STEPS)

MS: Oh, God, I can't tell you how glad I am to see you. — (EMBRACE) you look terrific. I am going to cry. — (OFF) Bring some clothes! Boot-cut jeans and sunglasses. And a ring! And some shoes! The Pradas!

ER:I spent all the money, Mom. I'm broke.

MS:And kill the fatted calf. The fattest one. Not the low-fat. The big fat one. And fix it in a cream sauce. And crème brulee. A lobster bisque. And those deep-fried cheese balls. Invite the neighbors. Hire a band. Let's eat and go crazy. My child who was dead is alive again, she was lost and now she is found. You look like you've lost weight...

ER:I've been on a high fiber diet.

MS: Hey, Wally! Look who's here. We've having veal tonight! Onions in cream sauce. A banana cream pie.

(PAUSE)

ER:Hello, Wally.

FN: Mother, could I have a word with you?..... alone?

MS: :Of course.. (STEPS. DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. STEPS.)

FN: Mother, I don't want this to sound negative in any way, but how many years have I been working for you, slaving, doing everything you asked me to do, never complaining?

MS: All your life.

FN: Have I ever disobeyed you, Mother?

MS: Never.

FN: And have you ever given me a fatted calf and thrown a big party for me and my friends?

MS: :Birthday parties —

FN: But with a fatted calf?

MS: Honey, they were wonderful parties—

FN: Pizza. That's what you served me. Pizza. And a sponge cake.

MS: I thought that's what you wanted—

FN: But the minute she comes hoofing it home, this tramp

MS: She's your sister. She was lost and now she's found!

FN: I don't think you're hearing what I'm saying, Mother. (MUSIC IN BACKGROUND)

TR: The feast went on late that night.

MS: Have some more calf, folks. Fatted calf. It won't keep. More wineskins! Peel me some more of those grapes. Loosen up, you Pharisees. You scribes, put down the papyrus and let's party! C'mon. Hey, you guys know "Hey Judea?" Let's sing it—

(CLAMOR OF VOICES, HEY JUDE)
Hey, Judea you're a real great place.
You're the best spot in the Biiiible....
You're right there by Canaan and Galilee,
You're family, you're tribal.

FN: Did anybody ever stop to think who fatted that calf? Remember me? the son who's worked his tail off for thirty years? Huh? Oh no—

MS: Wally. Get over it.

FN: Oh great. Get over it. Wonderful, Mom. Terrific The old "get over it" argument. Would you try to look at this from my point of view? Maybe I'll go sleep with the pigs, seeing as you go for that. See ya later. (DOOR SLAM)

GK: Grace. It's a concept. Prodigals welcomed, good workers taken for granted. The latecomers get the same pay as the workers who've been there since early morning. Go figure. But it's there, in the Bible. The Prodigal Daughter. TRUE STORIES FROM SCRIPTURE. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING)

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Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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