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SFX script: The Saga of Gary Comer
Saturday, September 16, 2006
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Garrison Keillor: Gary Comer is known as the founder of Lands' End, the clothing company now a subsidiary of Sears, and known as a philanthropist, but what's less known about him is how he got there and so (BUGLE FANFARE) here is the Saga of Gary Comer (MORE BUGLES) —- actually those should be bagpipes — the family was Scottish — McComber — (BAGPIPE) — well, they were part Scottish and part English (BAGPIPE, BUGLE COMBINATION) — the name Comer comes from the fact that back in Scotland they combed the beaches for driftwood (SURF, GULLS) and they made decorative things from the driftwood and also a boat — (BOAT HORN) on which they sailed to America and found their way to Chicago. Chicago was in the middle of the continent so a lot of people wound up there including people who didn't mean to.
Growing up on the south side of Chicago, he was fascinated by sounds: the telephone (OLD PHONE) and the radio (MUSIC, SAX, OLD BAND) and the family dog (SFX) and the sound of cars (OLD CAR PASSING) and the variety of horns in the Nineteen Thirties (HORN SERIES), and by Illinois Central trains (TRAIN PASSING, FAST, DOPPLER) and the sound of airplanes landing at Midway (PROP PLANE COMING IN LOW) and the Elevated train going over (EL TRAIN, SCREECHING, SCRAPING) and to get away from that he took up sailing on Lake Michigan (WIND IN RIGGING, CREAK OF SAILS, GULLS, COMMAND OF SKIPPER). He went to work in an office downtown and there were more telephones (PHONE SERIES) and the sounds of people in meetings (THREE GIBBERISH VOICES, MALE, DIFFERENT PITCHES) and the sound of lunch (POURING, SHAKING MARTINI SHAKER) but he was in his mid-twenties before he heard a cow or a chicken.
It happened like this. He was riding the bus home and he got engrossed in a book he was reading, an adventure book called Hap Harrigan And His VegetarianAir Cadets (DISTANT BUGLE, PLANE DIVING) who dropped fresh vegetables to people in forests where there are none, and he got off the bus at the wrong stop (BUS AIR BRAKES, DOOR OPEN) and he could tell it was the wrong stop because people were walking around with their pockets inside out (COOL MOUTH MUSIC) which people didn't do in his neighborhood — he asked for directions but he didn't understand the directions (HIGH SPEED GARBLED SPEECH) and he walked (FOOTSTEPS, TRAFFIC) hoping to find something familiar. He looked for the cops to ask them but they weren't the right cops. (PARISIAN SIREN). He stopped at a news stand and asked for directions (HIGH SPEED GARBLED SPEECH) and the man handed him a lamp. A big blue lamp with no lampshade. It was dusty and he wiped it off and as soon as he did. (MAGICAL POOF, AND VIOLIN)
JS: You called?
GK: A woman appeared from the lamp.
JS: Don't call me Jeannie, my name is Jearlyn.
GK: She was tall and slim and blue-eyed and had long blonde hair.
JS: I believe we need a little more light around here.
GK: And she sang— (JS A LONG GOSPEL NOTE: o OOOOOOOOOO YES)
JS: Well, you know the drill, Mr. Comer. You get three wishes.
GK: Okay.
JS: You make the sound of something and you can have it.
GK: But I'm not that good at sounds.
JS: Try it.
GK:(GK DOES CHICKEN)
JS: Your first wish, granted. (CHICKEN)
GK: And he stood there with a large white Leghorn chicken in his hand. (CHICKEN CLUCKING) He thought, "I've used one whole wish and all I have is one supper." What else can I do? He tried another. (GK DOES AIRPLANE)
JS: What is that, a lawn mower?
GK: No, it's an airplane.
JS: Sounded more like an old power mower. You need to clean the carburetor there.
GK: It was an airplane.
JS: You just won yourself a lawn mower. (LAWN MOWER)
GK: Two wishes used up. He thought he'd try for a boat. (GK DOES BIG BOAT HORN)
JS: A goose? You want a goose?
GK: It was a boat. A 200-foot cruiser. With a stateroom.
JS: You just won a great big goose. (GOOSE)
GK: So Gary Comer came home with a chicken (SFX), a goose (SFX), and a lawnmower. And that night the goose had indigestion (GOOSE SUFFERING) and he stayed up late feeding it ginger ale and bicarbonate of soda (GOOSE GROANING) as the goose sat there in misery — here have some chicken broth? (GOOSE ALARM) you don't care for chicken soup? No, I suppose not. And in the morning the goose got very excited (GOOSE CLAMOR) and she laid a golden egg. (BWANG, EGG ROLLING BACK AND FORTH). A golden egg. And that's how he got his first airplane. He traded a golden egg for an airplane. Because a golden egg, all you can do is sit and look at it, but an airplane (START PROPELLER) — you can go places and see whatever is there to be seen.
GK: The plane was called the Comer Homer (PROPELLER), it was an open cockpit plane with two wings and if the wind was behind you, you could raise a sail, a big spinnaker. There was also a picnic table and a volleyball court. The plane had floats so you could land on water. He was flying over Chicago one day (BUZZ OF MOTOR) when he got a big tail wind (SFX) so he raised his sail (SFX) and the wind picked him up and he was lifted into the stratosphere — (SFX) — luckily he'd brought oxygen (BREATHING MASK) but he was being hit by hailstones the size of tennis balls (SFX) and he couldn't see anything and — did I mention thunder and lightning? There was thunder and lightning (SFX), and there was a German Messerschmidt coming after him, some guy who hadn't heard the war was over (PLANE MAKES PASS, MACHINE GUNS) — he was in trouble — luckily the German blew big holes in his wings so he was able to lose altitude and then (GOOSE) — the a magical goose appeared and he was flying alongside the Comer Homer (GOOSE) and Gary followed him to a beautiful lake out in the middle of nowhere and he landed (LANDING OF FLOAT PLANE, AND TAXIS TO SHORE) — it was paradise — he saw creatures he'd never seen before — ducks (SFX) and loons (SFX) and deer (SFX) and elk (SFX) and caribou (SFX) and beaver (SFX) and there was a dock and a sign that said LANDS END. — actually it said BILL AND SANDY'S RESORT but part of it was covered up by what pigeons had left on it (PIGEONS) — and he pulled up to the dock and there were two attractive people, Bill (HI!) and Sandy (HI) and he was wearing white chinos, pink sneakers, and a green pullover shirt, 60% cotton 40%dacron) and she was wearing a wrap-around khaki skirt and flip-flops and a sort of magenta blouse. And she was holding a .350 magnum in her right hand.
FN (LADY): Step out of the plane, big boy.
GK: Gary Comer stepped out of the plane and he said, Where did you get those neat clothes?
FN (LADY): None of your beeswax. Pat him down, Bill. (PATTING)
FN (MAN): He's clean.
GK: They put a blindfold on him and they led him up the path. (FOOTSTEPS) He heard chickens (SFX) and cows (SFX) and pigs (SFX), pretty exciting for a South Side guy, and he heard machines (ASSEMBLY LINE, SEWING MACHINES, STAMPING) and he managed to peek out one corner of the blindfold and he saw— farm animals working at machines making casual clothing — (COW, MACHINE) a cow working the footpedals on a giant loom and (PIG, MACHINE) a pig pressing the buttons on the sorter, and (WHINNY, STEAM) a horse was working the steam press and (CHICKEN) a chicken was doing the finishing — pulling off some loose threads (CHICKEN) and sewing on a button (CHICKEN) and sticking in the pins (CHICKEN) and then two otters did the wrapping (OTTERS) and there it was — a brand-new windbreaker (MAGICAL POOF) — and down the conveyor belt it went (CONVEYOR) and onto the back of a horse (WHINNY, HOOVES) who headed off to market with it. Well, clearly distribution was their problem and he tried to point that out to them, but they weren't listening.
FN (LADY): Shut up and go to work.
GK: And they put him to work, riding a stationary bicycle (SFX SEQUENCE) with a chain that drove the machine that put the labels on the boxes (SEQ) —and he sat there and worked 16-hour days and at night he slept in a shed next to a pig (PIG SNORING) — it was not a good life — but he kept at it — because he heard a voice —
JS (Singing): You can do it — you can make it.
Have a little patience — you'll be okay.
When it's time — you'll reach out and take it.
The night be over and then a brighter day.
You can do it.
You can do it. (SFX SEQ IN TEMPO)
You can do it.
Hang on, brother.
You're not alone.
Keep on goin.
GK: So he kept pedaling and the(COW, MACHINE) cow ran the giant loom and (PIG, MACHINE) the pig ran the sorter, and (WHINNY, STEAM) the horse did the steam press and (CHICKEN) the chicken did the finishing — and the otters did the wrapping (OTTERS) and down the conveyor belt it went (CONVEYOR) and the clothes kept coming out and one night as he lay next to the pig (PIG SNORING) he saw a light — (SONAR) it was the light of a ship miles away — (SHIP'S HORN) — and next to him stood the magical goose---
FN (GOOSE): The chicken died. The chicken got under the lawn mower. So she gave you a bonus. A gift.
GK: A ship lay out there off the coast of Wisconsin. And a helicopter was coming for him (CHOPPER) — a helicopter with a tall blue-eyed lady with long blonde hair—
JS: I've got to quit going around in bad light.
GK: And off he went (CHOPPER) — and that night the ship pulled up anchor (SHIP'S HORN) — and he headed out to sea. With her at the wheel.
JS: Hang on, brother.
You're not alone.
Keep on goin.
Keep on goin.
Keep on goin.
Hang on, brother.
You're not alone.
Keep on goin.
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