Cougar script
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: It's October and the lentils are picked. Mine are. We put in a couple acres of lentils and we bring in Canadian migrant workers to pick them by hand — (CANADIAN WORKERS CHANTING: You put your right hand in and put your right hand OOT. That's what it's all Aboot — AY—)

And I bought myself a windshield scraper so that when the big snowstorm hits I won't have to try to clean off the ice with a Visa card.

Winter is almost here and that means that a lot of jobs that we have been postponing can now be put off for an even longer time, all home improvements, all of the projects of personal improvement, because we have to look to the basics now, to heat and food and the responsibility of telling stories, which is what God put us here for to live a rich full life and tell about it, or better yet, to know people who lived a rich full life and tell about them.

The nights get longer and longer and that brings back my deep-seated irrational childhood fear of cougars. I guess I read a story about a cougar getting a little kid cornered on a mountain ledge and it stuck with me — a lean hungry carnivorous beast coming toward you (COUGAR SNARL) and a thousand foot drop behind you (VASTNESS OF AIR, DISTANT BIRDS, ECHO) — the sort of dream that wakes you right up (TERRIFIED PANTING) — the sort of dream that dominates a man's life —

I have never hiked in the mountains in my life. I am terrified of ledges of all kinds. Cats of any kind bother me (MEOW, PANIC ATTACK)— I've stuck to the prairie and I've stayed in my car (CAR PASSING FAST) — and I carry a spray can of bear urine on my person at all times — (SNIFFING) it leaks a little and it doesn't make me more popular with women — (

Sue Scott: Excuse me, I have to go make a phone call) — but it's a sure defense against cougars.

Assuming one would have time to use it.

I think of that, walking down a dark street— there could be a cougar parked up high in the limbs of an oak tree up there in the shadows (COUGAR BREATHING) — a hundred pound cat with claws like razors lying up there in a red oak tree as I stroll along with my iPod playing (COOL SAXOPHONE) — and so I can't hear him up there (COUGAR SNARL, LOW) — and I can't hear the cougar alarms going off in the houses (SERIES OF ALARMS, ENDING IN FN ELECTRONIC VOICE: There is a cougar in the vicinity. Cougar in the vicinity) — I come along (FOOTSTEPS) with no idea, listening to music (COOL SAXS) and thinking about how much fun it's going to be and then I feel (DROPS) some precipitation coming from up above, but these drops are hot (SIZZLE) — it's cougar spit, he is salivating at the sight of me (COUGAR SNARL) and he leaps (COUGAR CRY) and he tears me limb from limb (RIPPING, GOUGING, TEARING) and the bear spray goes off (SPRAY) and drives him off (COUGAR YELPING, AWAY) but it's too late for me — I lie there, a bloody mess on the sidewalk (SIRENS APPROACHING) and the paramedics come — (

Fred Newman: I'm not going to try to do mouth-to-mouth on that— yechhhhh) — and they cover me with a sheet and the police take their notes-

Tim Russell: Cougar.

SS: It's cougar all right.

TR: Got cougar written all over it.

SS: Guess he got couged.

TR: Yeah. Some major couging going on.

SS: And he had the bear spray in his pocket.

TR: Yep.

SS: If it hadn't been for the iPod—

TR: He might still be alive.

SS: Who is he?

TR: I donno. Some old white guy.

SS: The red shoes—

TR: What about em?

SS: They've been shown to attract cougar attacks.

TR: Is that right?

GK: Okay, let's rewind now— (REWIND, LONG, HIGH SPEED) — let's take it back to where I'm walking down the street— (COOL SAXOPHONE, FOOTSTEPS) and I'm approaching that red oak tree (COUGAR SNARL) and I can't hear him up there, but I feel a hand on my arm—

SS: Excuse me?

GK: Huh— oh— hi— what is it?

SS: I saw you passing by and I had to come out and tell you how much I love your show. I adore it. I've taped every one. I listen to them over and over and over. You're practically the center of my life. And the odd thing is— I never was interested in cars before. You know? I don't even have a car. But you've made me see that there's something deeply spiritual about cars. You and your brother have made cars into a sort of poetry for me. Come in— my house is right there — I want to thank you — I opened a bottle of wine and I've put some music on and — I want you to hold me in your arms and talk about transmissions.

GK: LAUGHTER

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