Guy Noir script
Saturday, October 7, 2006
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(GUY NOIR THEME)

Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy Noir, private eye.

(THEME UP AND OUT)

Garrison Keillor: It was one of those fabulous sunny October days that makes men think that maybe they could lose fifty pounds and get in shape and run more and makes women think that maybe they should change their hair style or get a new husband, one who can run. (CARDS, SLAPPING DOWN) I was on my tenth or twentieth game of solitaire when an old lady came strolling in—

Sue Scott (OLD LADY): Mr. Noir?

GK: Yes, ma'am.

SS (OLD LADY): My name is Wynonie Popper. I have an eleven o'clock appointment.

GK: You do? Okay. — How can I help you?

SS (OLD LADY): Huh?

GK: What's the matter?

SS (OLD LADY): My bladder — what about my bladder?

GK: I didn't—

SS (OLD LADY): I didn't come to see you about my bladder.

GK: Okay. Sorry I mentioned it.

SS (OLD LADY): I would go and see an urologist about my bladder. If I had bladder problems, which I don't. My bladder is just fine.

GK: Okay. I'm sorry. Please. Have a seat.

SS (OLD LADY): My seat is just fine too.

GK: I'm glad to hear that.

SS (OLD LADY): If I was having problems with my seat, I would go to see— Why— you're not Dr. Winship!

GK: No, he's on the ninth floor.

SS (OLD LADY): I thought on your door it said —

GK: It says, Guy Noir — not gynecology. Guy Noir.

SS (OLD LADY): You ARE a gynecologist, you say?

GK: I'm not.

SS (OLD LADY): Where do I put my clothes?

GK: I say, I'm NOT a gynecologist. No. He's on the 9th floor — (SS BEFUDDLEMENT) out that way, ma'am. There you go. Down to the ninth floor. (BRIDGE)(CARDS, SLAPPING) I resumed the solitaire and was closing in on victory— when—

TR (RICH CREAMY VOICE): Good morning, Mr. Noir— do you mind if I lock the door? I'd like this to be a private meeting. (DOOR CLOSE, LOCK, LOCK) I assume you know who I am—

GK: Well, from the way you comb your hair, I'd say you're a Congressman. It looks like it's been Photoshopped.

TR: Thank you. You're so right. I'm Congressman Tim W. Bottoms — my friends, we face today the gravest threat to our nation's security since the days of the Civil War and that is why—- oh —-- sorry. Looked to me like you were holding a microphone there—

GK: You're the guy who introduced the bill to recast the Statue of Liberty.

TR: That is right. We appropriated $380 million dollars to re-do her so that she is kneeling in prayer with her head bowed.

GK: What happens to the torch?

TR: It becomes sort of a footlight.

GK: And the bill passed?

TR: No, not yet. But thanks to me, a copy of the Ten Commandments was aboard the Mariner spacecraft that went to Mars.

GK: That's great.

TR: And we passed the Congressional Decency Control Act.

GK: Congressional decency — now you've got something.

TR: Every time a member of Congress uses a swear word, he or she has to put a nickel into a jar.

GK: A nickel—

TR: At the end of the year, we use it to buy Christmas presents for needy lobbyists.

GK: Very generous of you. So what can I do for you, Congressman?

TR: Well, I've got a little problem that came up sort of suddenly, Mr. Noir. I like to get out and campaign person to person, go door to door, work the crowds at shopping malls and so forth, and the other day, I was at a picnic and I was kissing babies and so on, and —

GK: What happened?

TR: A kid walked up to me and he stuck out his tongue and he called me a big fat dope.

GK: Yes—

TR: And he dropped his pants and he mooned me.

GK: I hope you walked away.

TR: No, I put him over my knee and I spanked him.

GK: This doesn't sound good.

TR: Somebody snapped a picture on their cellphone just as I did, and they caught me yelling at him, "Take this you little wasabi" —

GK: Wasabi—

TR: I just made it up.

GK: Why?

TR: I don't know. It just came into my head. I didn't find out until later that it's a slang term meaning "sweetheart"—

GK: How old is the kid?

TR: Fifteen.

GK: He mooned you, you spanked him, and you called him sweetheart.

TR: It all happened so fast. What makes it worse is that my campaign slogan this year is "Turning Over A New Page in 2006" —

GK: Congressman, are you potentially alcoholic? Do you drink a lot? Get blitzed now and then? Ever had a DWI? Or DUI?

TR: I took a pledge when I was fourteen. I've never touched alcohol in my life.

GK: That is a real shame, sir.

TR: What do you mean?

GK: Were you mistreated as a child? Beaten? Shamed? Yelled at?

TR: Never. My parents were gentle as could be.

GK: How about Twinkies? Do you eat a lot of them?

TR: I almost never eat sugary things.

GK: We're running out of options, sir. How about medications? You been abusing Sudafed lately? How about Ambien? (KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPEN)

SS: Sorry to butt in. Congressman—-

TR: This is Sheila, my chief of staff. — What is it, Sheila?

SS: Congressman, there are forty reporters down on the street. They're coming after us like cougars at the sheep farm. They're foaming at the mouth.

TR: Where's the rear entrance?

GK: Don't try to run, sir. Bad strategy. They get a picture of you sneaking into a limo, covering your face with a newspaper — that's it, it's all over. You have to go and face them.

TR: But what do I say?

GK: You have to lie. And you have to lie well.

SS: Yes, but say what?

GK: I'm thinking.

TR: I can't believe this. I was coasting to an easy victory and then that little weasel had to spoil everything—

GK: Tell them that you spotted the kid as an enemy combatant. He fit the profile. There was a bulge in his pocket and you suspected that he was carrying an underwear bomb.

SS: I like that.

GK: You did a quick strip search.

TR: A strip search. That's good.

GK: You operate on the one-percent principle. If there's even a one percentage chance of a problem, you have to treat it as a 100% chance—

TR: Going all out against America's enemies — good, good--

SS: And as you did the strip search, you shouted out "Abu Dhabi" —

GK: His hometown. Brilliant.

SS: And now that he has been cleared by national security, you announce that the danger level has been reduced to orange.

GK: You urge people to remain calm.

SS: You did what you had to do to defend innocent people who might have been blasted to smithereens by an underwear bomb and you are introducing a bill in Congress to train 100,000 underwear-sniffing dogs for use in airports and train stations.

GK: I know of some dogs who would like the work.

TR: I'm also going to announce that I'm introducing a bill in Congress to prevent Mark Foley from ever getting married.

GK: Okay.

TR: And while I'm at it, I'm going to accuse my opponent of advocating policies that will bring this country to its knees.

SS: What policies are those?

TR: I don't know. Think of something.

GK: If he's elected, we'll have jihad in the streets of Pullman.

TR: We'll must stand arm in arm together—.

GK: Let's stay away from physical contact, okay—

SS: Anyway, show no weakness. Go on the attack. Hit em high and hit em low.

GK: Jab with your forefinger.

TR: Like this?

SS: Harder.

TR: (PRACTICING) I am not going to take this lying down.

GK: I wouldn't say it just that way, sir.

TR: (PRACTICING) I am not going to let this campaign be dragged down in the mud by these vicious unfounded charges.

GK: Better.

TR: I am sick and tired of the politics of character assassination. It's time we turned over a new page in Washington—

SS & GK: No, no, no— not that.

TR: It's time we erected a new standard—

SS: Wrong verb, sir.

TR: It's time we united as a people—

SS: I wouldn't say that either.

GK: How about "It's time we rallied behind the flag of our country and behind my campaign to keep America great"?

SS: Don't use the term "behind," please.

GK: How about "Let's take the bull by the tail and look the situation right in the face" —

SS: Send us a bill, Mr. Noir. (FADING) This way, Congressman. This way—

TR: It's gratifying to me that you share my concerns about national security and the need to maintain vigilance. I intend to maintain this position no matter (DOOR CLOSE) (BRIDGE)

GK: I get into politics because I need the work. They want me to help, I'm there to help. Two hundred bucks a day plus expenses. As for what I believe personally, personally I think it's a big waste of money. I think that the people eventually see through the smoke and mirrors and they're able to size up character and see who's the show horse and who's the workhorse. And if the workhorses are pulling in the wrong direction. (DOOR OPEN)

SS (OLD LADY): Is this the toilet?

GK: No. The toilet is three doors down—

SS (OLD LADY): I already took my drawers down, now I need the toilet—

GK: That way— that way— (DOOR SLAM)

(THEME MUSIC)

TR: dark night in the city that knows how to keep its secrets, but a light shines on the 12th floor of the Acme Building -- Guy Noir, Private Eye . (THEME UP AND OUT)