Satan script
Saturday, October 7, 2006
Listen

Garrison Keillor: My next guest is a gentleman who I guess we all have certain stereotypes about —

Fred Newman (CHUCKLING): Oh my, yes. People expect to see me with cloven hooves and a forked tail and breathing fire—

GK: But here he is in casual wear, slacks and a pullover cardigan and moccasins and long golden hair —

FN: How do you like it?

GK: Very nice. And his name of course is Satan. The Prince of Darkness. Beelzebub.

FN: Just call me Bub. Or Bubba.

GK: So what brings you to this part of Washington State?

FN: Well, it's almost Halloween and I like to keep track of that and — did you notice the speed trap up north of here in Colfax?

GK: Where the speed limit suddenly goes from 60 to 25 miles an hour in about one hundred feet?

FN: That's the one. Well, that was my idea.

GK: I thought so.

FN: I invented the idea of the speed trap. Life is a speed trap. Life is unfair. I make sure of that. You go driving through life and enjoying the scenery and suddenly you're in trouble. My doing.

GK: Must keep you very busy.

FN: I love my work. (A SUDDEN DEEP UNHUMAN GROWL) Gives me great pleasure.

GK: So what else have you done?

FN: Oh, I do junk mail. I do spam. I like to have the phone ring just when people sit down to the table. I love it in church when the minister comes up in the pulpit to denounce me and suddenly (FEEDBACK) —

GK: You're responsible for bad sound in churches?

FN: That and also the organ was my invention.

GK: You—

FN: I put the volume pedal on the organ. And those pipes that sound like a circular saw cutting through copper pipes. (SFX)

GK: I recognize that. So you do a lot of church work.

FN: I'm the one who makes babies cry during baptism. (INFANT VIOLENT CRY) Sometimes I put vinegar in the coffee during fellowship hour. (SPIT TAKE) Sometimes I like to change the carillon so instead of "Faith of Our Fathers" it plays "Purple Haze" (BELLS)—

GK: So you're a trickster—

FN: A serious trickster. I could tear you from limb to limb if I wanted.

GK: I suppose you could.

FN: I've got this cougar here. (SNARL) If I let go of the leash, he'd eat you up and all there'd be would be a pair of red sneakers.

GK: They'd probably be even redder.

FN: They'd be glistening red.

GK: I could toss him a big raw beefsteak.

FN: He prefers his dinners live.

GK: I could create a large pool of urine on the floor that would repel him.

FN: Go ahead. (SNARL)

GK: I may. I could pray for God to protect me as he protected Daniel in the lions' den.

FN: Just like he gave us world peace when you prayed for world peace.

GK: Well, what do you want in exchange for not unleashing your cougar?

FN: So you're prepared to bargain.

GK: I don't know. What's the offer?

FN: There's an old Methodist minister listening to your show right now who whenever you have told the penguin joke, he's gone into convulsions and they have to take him to the ER and put tubes in him.

GK: That's terrible. I had no idea.

FN: I want you to tell the penguin joke.

GK: The penguin walked into the bar and the bartender said, Hey we have a drink named after you, and the penguin said, Why would anybody name a drink Ralph?

FN: No.

GK: The penguin walked into the bar and ordered a Scotch and soda and the bartender says, Hey, we don't get many talking penguins in here, and the penguin said, With these prices I'm not surprised.

FN: No. This one has two penguins in it.

GK: Two penguins walked into the bar and ordered two Scotch and sodas....

FN: No, no.

GK: One ordered a Scotch and soda and the other ordered an iced tea.

FN: No. It has a tuxedo in it.

GK: I can't tell that joke. (COUGAR SNARL) You can rip me limb from limb but I will not tell a joke that makes a minister have convulsions. (COUGAR SNARL) I won't do it.

FN: Okay. Don't. This was a test. This was only a test. Had this been an actual temptation situation, you would now be ground meat mixed with cougar saliva. (POOFFFF)

GK: He's gone.

Tim Russell (HIGH TIGHT VOICE): Yes.

GK: Who are you?

TR (HIGH TIGHT VOICE): I am from the Federal Communications Commission and I would like to see all of your radio scripts for the past two years to make sure that you haven't referred to you know what.

GK: I don't have scripts for most of it. We just talk—

TR: I hear that you may have talked about Hmm-hmmm and if you have that is going to be $300,000 per time, and if in addition to hmmm-hmmmm you have talked about hnnhnnhnnn we're going to double that. You get that?

GK: So I can't talk about what?

TR: I think you know. (COUGAR GROWL, LOW) Is that your cougar?

GK: No, that's somebody else's. (COUGAR GROWL)

TR: Make sure you send us all of those scripts, you hear me— (COUGAR GROWL) what is he doing?

GK: He seems to be interested in your pants—

TR: Make him stop. (COUGAR, BIG CLOTH RIP) Oh my. I'm naked. (HE TAKES OFF RUNNING FAST, WITH COUGAR IN PURSUIT, FADE)