Ruth Harrison script
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Listen

(THEME)

TR (ANNC): And now-from the hushed reading room of the Herndon County Library…we bring you: Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian. (THEME FADE)

SS: Trent----

TK (TEEN): Huh?

SS: Take off that Ipod. This isn't fun time.

TK (TEEN): I was listening to an audiobook, Miss Harrison.

SS: Audiobooks are for blind people, or people driving in cars. Are you too lazy to pick up a book in your own two hands?

TK (TEEN): I was eating a sandwich.

SS: Reading is a sensual experience, Trent. You feel the heft of the book in your hands, smell the paper, and lick your finger and turn the page. You're not supposed to sit there inert with a lump stuck in your ear.

TK (TEEN): Gosh. You seem to disapprove of everything I do, Miss Harrison.

SS: I'm only correcting you, Trent. Sensible people don't mind being corrected. It's how we learn. ---- Oh! For silly! Where did I put my glasses? They were right here in my hand, and-----

TK (TEEN): They're on top of your head, Miss Harrison. Connected to that chain around your neck.

SS: Oh. Well so they are. Never mind.

TK (TEEN): You look all freaked-out, Miss Harrison

SS: It's called "anxiety," Trent. Has nothing to do with freakishness. It has to do with the Library Board. Speaking of which--- look out---- (DOOR SWINGS OPEN)

TR: (LOUD) Afternoon, Ruth!

SS: (FLUSTERED) Mr. Parker ----

TR: Made you jump, huh?

SS: You startled me.

TR: Good! About time we saw some life around here. (HE PULLS OUT TAPE MEASURE)

SS: What's that, Mr. Parker? A tape measure!!!

TR: I'm taking measurements for the new media center, Ruth. The Library Board voted for it last night. Too bad you missed the meeting.

SS: You're putting a media center right in the middle of the card catalog?

TR: We're moving the card catalog, Ruth. We're going to store it outside, near the dumpsters. We need to make room for the e-Books.

SS: The e-Books.

TR: We're getting into e-Books. Books you can download. We're done running the library as a private club, Miss Harrison. It's time we get some butts in the seats. Somebody under the age of sixty.

SS: You will introduce e-books over my dead body, sir.

TR: If necessary….yes.

SS: Recoil your tape measure and go out through that door you came in. Or you'll be very very sorry.

TR: Oh yeah? (HE LAUGHS) What you going to do about it, Ruth? You represent a dying culture. Books. In five years, they'll have gone the way of the LP and the VCR. Just a few elderly spinsters like yourself will be left turning the pages.

SS: I've got a staple gun and I'm not afraid to use it.

TR: You? (HE LAUGHS)

SS: Ever hear of biblio-kwan-do, Mr. Parker?

TR: Where'd you get that? Huh? Out of some book? (HE LAUGHS)

SS: Okay, you leave me no choice---- Hi-ya! (STAPLING, PUNCHING, FIGHTING, GLASS BREAKS, WOOD SPLINTERS, THUMP)

SS: There. Out cold. Take him away, Trent.

TK (TEEN): Gosh, Miss Harrison. He's gonna be ticked off when he wakes up----!!!

SS: He won't remember a thing.

TK (TEEN): Wow.

SS: It's a rarely-known technique of Canadian martial arts, Trent. I read about it in a rare book. It was given to me by a colleague who, it turns out, is in the library underground.

TK (TEEN): Library underground!!!???

SS: It's a secret sisterhood that is prepared to do whatever necessary to defend libraries and the public's right to read.

TK (TEEN): But who's in this----

SS: Shhhhhhhhh.

TK (TEEN): I just find it so unbelievable. I mean, who are they?

SS: Shhhhhhhhh.

TK (TEEN): And this is Canadian martial arts???

SS: Yes. And when Mr. Parker wakes up, he'll believe he's a loon. (TR STARTS TO AWAKEN)

SS: You crashed into the plate glass window, Mr. Parker. (LOON CALL) You'll be all right. Just walk it off. (LOON) Your car is outside. You'd better go home and find your mate, Mr. Parker. (LOON) She's very excited that you're coming. Very excited. (LOON) Wrap your wings around her and ---- you know. (LOON)

TK: Look, he's flapping his arms, Miss Harrison. I think he's trying to take off. (LOON CALL, FLAPPING)

SS: Don't try to fly, Mr. Parker. (LOON RETREATS, FLAPPING)

TK (TEEN): There he goes. Wow. That was cool.

SS: I don't think he'll be on the Library Board much longer.

TK: No?

SS: I think Mr. Parker is going to spend some time in a treatment center, Trent.

TK (TEEN): Is he going to be okay?

SS: He'll be fine in about six months. And meanwhile---- there's an opening on the Library Board. What do you say?

TK: Me????

SS: The Board could use a younger point of view. Just so long as it's responsible. And I think we know what "responsible" means, don't we?

TK: I guess so, Miss Harrison.

(THEME)

GK: Join us next time for the adventures of Ruth Harrison, Reference Librarian.

(ORGAN)


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