Guy Noir script
Saturday, October 14, 2006
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(GUY NOIR THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was October, and suddenly it turned colder, and snow fell and suddenly you could see all the Scandinavians come to life, like fish suddenly getting some oxygen. I was having a rough time with the crossword ---- I'd gotten Mel Ott and Arthur Ashe and emu and gnu and then I hit a wall, which made me think maybe dementia had gotten hold of me and next year I might be so far gone I'd be watching daytime TV. I was still smarting from what this lady said to me in Mickey's Diner when I was having my breakfast. (DISHES, VOICES)

SS (DEEP): Excuse me, sir--- could I have a word with you?

GK: You already did.

SS (DEEP): I know it's none of my business but I have to tell you --- burgundy is not your color. Okay?

GK: Not my color.

SS (DEEP): You want to ditch that sweater and find something else.

GK: This was a gift from a girlfriend.

SS (DEEP): I'd hate to think of what she'd send if she were an enemy. Ditch the sweater, and another thing, whoever is cutting your hair is doing you no favors. (BRIDGE)

GK: I had just ordered lunch from Danny's Deli. Or I'd tried to.

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): We're all out of pastrami, Mr. Noir. We've got baloney.

GK: I get enough of that as it is.

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): We got meatloaf. Fresh yesterday.

GK: Okay. Meatloaf with mustard then.

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): We're out of mustard.

GK: How can you be out of mustard? You're a deli.

TK (TEEN): We've got ketchup. And grape jelly.

GK: How about salami?

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE):How do you spell that?

GK: S-a-l-o-m-e. Salami.

TK (TEEN, ON PHONE): That's the name of our new waitress.

GK: Send her over and forget the meat loaf. (STING, BRIDGE) I was working on the crossword some more when an elegant gray-haired man tip-toed in and closed the door. (DOOR QUIETLY CLOSE)

TR (FOLEY): Mr. Noir----

GK: Yes, sir-------------------

TR (FOLEY): My name is Mark Foley and I am an alcoholic.

GK: Congressman Foley---- I thought you were down in Florida.

TR (FOLEY): I need your help, Mr. Noir.

GK: I don't know how to delete Instant Messages.

TR (FOLEY): Please----

GK: You were supposed to be in therapy, weren't you----

TR (FOLEY): I was but a couple of guys with walkie-talkies joined my therapy group.

GK: So you're on the lam, huh?

TR (FOLEY): The Republican party is very, very angry at me.

GK: I suppose so.

TR (FOLEY): The President called me up and ---- I've never heard him swear like that. He went nucular.

GK: Well, they'll get over it.

TR (FOLEY): I don't think so. I just don't understand how a little thing like that could get blown up into such a big issue----

GK: Well, you did vote for the Broadcast Decency Control Act, Congressman Foley. The one that hits broadcasters with a $300,000 fine if they say indecent things on the air. And then you tried to make a date with a teenager. It raises questions in people's minds.

TR (FOLEY): Mr. Noir, the men with walkie-talkies in my recovery group are CIA. I know it. I recognize them by the kind of shades they wear.

GK: You sure?

TR (FOLEY): Positive. The president is hunting me down, Mr. Noir, and he's planning to send me to Pakistan for interrogation.

GK: Call a lawyer.

TR (FOLEY): That doesn't work anymore, Mr. Noir. If he declares me a member of Al Qaida, an enemy combatant, he can throw me into a dungeon cell and throw the key away. Hang me upside down naked in a cold room and make me listen to Led Zeppelin.

GK: Oh I doubt that very much, Mr. Foley. (CHOPPER) What's that?

TR (FOLEY): It's a black helicopter---- it must've followed me here. (POUNDING ON DOOR) SS (OUTSIDE DOOR): Open up, Noir. F.B.I. Open up or we'll blow the door down.

GK: I can't do it, ma'am. He's got a bomb. TR (FOLEY, WHISPER): What are you doing? SS (OUTSIDE DOOR): What kind of bomb?

GK: A shoe bomb. There's a big fuse sticking out from the heel. SS (OUTSIDE DOOR): Congressman Foley??

GK: Tell em, "you'll never take me alive, copper"---

TR (FOLEY): You'll never take me alive, copper---- SS (OUTSIDE DOOR): Don't make it hard for yourself, Congressman. All they're going to do is fly you to an Army base in Pakistan and make you eat raw eggs and then they'll throw you in a briarpatch.

GK: Get away from the door, copper.

TR (FOLEY): Get away from the door, copper!!

GK: Okay. This way---- (LIGHT TIPTOE FOOTSTEPS) There's an old dumbwaiter in the coat closet. We'll get inside and down to the basement we go, okay?

TR (FOLEY): Okay. (DOOR OPEN, CREAKING OF PULLEY)

GK: Step in here. (STEPS) There you go. (TR SCOOTCHING) Grab hold of the rope. This thing is going to go down fast when I release the brake, okay? Here goes. (WHOOSH AND FAST RATCHETY DESCENT AND THEN APPLICATION OF BRAKE, SLOWING, AND THUMP STOP) You okay?

TR (FOLEY): It's all dark.

GK: This is the subbasement. Follow me. (FOOTSTEPS ON CONCRETE) (CREAK OF BIG STEEL DOOR OPENS) Watch your head. (SLOW FOOTSTEPS, MEN BENT DOWN, ON CONCRETE) This is the tunnel to the courthouse. (ELECTRICAL SHORTING) Those are high voltage wires there. And I hope you're not scared of bats. (WINGS OF BATS FLYING BY)

TR (FOLEY): After what I've been through---- no way.

GK: So you just want me to get you away from these guys?

TR (FOLEY): I've been set up, Mr. Noir. I didn't even want to be in Congress! They talked me into running and then they hang me out to dry----

GK: And now you're an enemy combatant. SS (ON HORN): HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, FOLEY. WE GOT THE TUNNEL SURROUNDED. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

GK: You must have some sort of listening device on you. (DISTANT CREAKING OF DOOR, FAINT SHOUTS OF MEN) Let me ask you something. Did someone unknown to you ask you to carry something today?

TR: Yeah, I met a guy in the airport who gave me a rock to give to his mother.

GK: Lemme see it.

TR: Here.

GK: Look. (SWITCH CLICK) See. A microphone. Scream into it. (TR SCREAM) There, that'll hold em for a minute. C'mon, this way. (CREAK OF IRON MANHOLE COVER)

TR: Where we going?

GK: Into the sewer. Hurry. (WATER DRIPPING) Duck down. Watch your head, I'm going to lower the manhole cover.

TR: Doesn't smell that bad.

GK: People haven't started drinking yet. That's why. (LOWERING MANHOLE COVER) Okay. This way.

TR: It's dark.

GK: Sewers often are. (FOOTSTEPS SLOSHING) Straight this way. You can see the light up ahead. We'll go out the storm drain there. (SLOSHING, BRIDGE)

GK: We came out the drain by the river (TUGBOAT) and I waved down Captain Williams on the Tiger Lily (TUGBOAT MOTOR THROBBING) and we headed upstream. ---- Mighty obliged to you, Captain. TR (GROWLY): My pleasure, Guy. I owe you one for that time you ran off my daughter's boyfriend.

GK: You can let us off just below the Ford Locks and Dam, Captain. TR (GROWLY): Right you are. --- The gentleman you're helping? He's a fugitive from justice?

GK: Fugitive from injustice. Right here is fine. (TUGBOAT ENGINE SLOWS. BRIDGE) We climbed up the west bank of the river to a school up there, a school for sad children called Minnehaha Academy (ALL THREE, CHILDISH LAUGHTER, FOOTSTEPS) and we walked through the school to Mr. Nelson's classroom. I've known him for years. He used to be Air National Guard. TR (NELSON): Hi, Mr. Noir. What can I do for you?

GK: Need a helicopter. Need it now. TR (NELSON): That's a tall order.

GK: You're a tall man. TR (NELSON): Well, I owe you one. You got me out of that jam with the baton twirler.

GK: Glad you remember. TR (NELSON): And I told you then, if you ever need anything----

GK: That's right, you did. (BRIDGE) (CHOPPER) So the helicopter came and took me and Mr. Foley away and an hour later we were in the north woods, on the Gunflint Trail. (BLIZZARD, WOLF) At the End of The Trail Resort.

SS (MINN): Hey Guy, how you doin? You come up to go fishing? We should have ice on the lake in another month or so----- sit down, lemme fix you a sandwich---- you like meat loaf, right?

GK: Gladys, like you to meet a friend of mine, this is Mark Foley.

SS (MINN): Care for a cup of coffee, Mr. Foley?

TR (FOLEY): Don't mind if I do.

SS (MINN): You take cream with that?

TR (FOLEY): Yes. Thanks. (GULLS)

SS (MINN): Guy?

GK: None for me, Gladys. (FOOTSTEPS OFF)

TR (FOLEY): She doesn't seem to recognize me----

GK: Of course not. These are fishermen. They pay no attention to the news. They live in their own world. They hardly know who's President.

SS (MINN): I told Wayne, I told him just the other day, I wonder when Guy's gonna drop in on us again, didn't I, Wayne?

TK: Yeah.

SS (MINN): Just this morning. I told him that just this morning, didn't I.

TK: Yeah.

SS (MINN): I said, I wonder when Guy's gonna come back ---- told him that --- we were eating breakfast, ain't that right?

TK: Yeah.

SS (MINN): Boy, that time you figured out who was swiping the nightcrawlers ---- we never forgot that, did we Wayne?

TK: Nope.

SS (MINN): That was one big favor. Yes sir. So what can we do for you, Guy?

GK: Mr. Foley here is interested in learning the ins and outs of fishing so I thought maybe you could give him a job.

TR (FOLEY): What???

GK: He got tired of fishing the Gulf of Mexico. He'd like to try his hand at walleyes and muskies.

SS (MINN): Why we'd be tickled pink to take him in. Wayne was just saying the other day, we could use an extra hand around here, weren't you Wayne?

TK: Yeah.

SS (MINN): Got a lot of work around here and me and Wayne aren't getting any younger, are we?

TK: Nope.

GK: Good. All set. He's happy to sleep out in the shed. No need to go to any trouble.

TR (FOLEY): Could I have a word with you? (FOOTSTEPS, THEN STOP) Sleep in the shed???? I'm from Florida. Palm Beach. It's cold. I'm freezing now and it's only October---- please. Why the shed?

GK: You'll have a sleeping bag. You'll be toasty warm.

TR (FOLEY): You don't understand.

GK: You're right. I don't. Neither do most people. So what? You can't expect to be understood. People have other things to do. Understanding you is your job. You stay here over the winter, make yourself useful, and in the spring, you'll be ready for something else.

TR (FOLEY): Is this going to involve sitting out on the ice and fishing through a hole in the ice?

GK: Yes, it is.

TR (FOLEY): I can't do that.

GK: You can.

TR (FOLEY): That is a painful thought.

GK: So don't think about it.

TR (FOLEY): I don't think I can bear it.

GK: It's better than hanging upside down naked listening to Led Zeppelin.

TR (FOLEY): Are you sure?

GK: Sure. You'll get used to it. We'll find you a heated parka, you'll be fine.

TR (FOLEY): I hope so. Can I still cheer for the Gators?

GK: No. It's the Gophers now.

TR (FOLEY): I'm cheering for rodents? Okay. God, it's cold.

GK: It's cold but it could be worse.

TR (FOLEY): It could be?

GK: It could be worse. (THEME)

TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, but one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

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