Vampire script
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Listen

(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS)

TR (VAMPIRE): Good evening, son. Your mother said I should come up and talk to you.

TK (TEEN): I was just about to go out, Dad.

TR (VAMPIRE): That's what I want to talk to you about, Troy. Where are you going?

TK (TEEN): Going to a dance.

TR (VAMPIRE): Oh? Who with?

TK (TEEN): A girl named Mary.

TR (VAMPIRE): Mary? That beautiful young girl in the filmy white dress who I see standing on the balcony sometimes in the moonlight?

TK (TEEN): How did you know? What's wrong, dad? Why are you so pale?

TR (VAMPIRE): Son---- you know how we eat mostly very very rare meat, late at night, with the shades drawn?

TK (TEEN): Yeah, so?

TR (VAMPIRE): Have you ever noticed that we never season that meat with garlic?

TK (TEEN): Oh yeah. Why?

(A BEAT)

TR (VAMPIRE): How do you feel about this--- Mary?

TK (TEEN): I really like her a lot. She's beautiful. She smells good. I want to hold her in my arms and----

TR (VAMPIRE): These are normal feelings, son. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's as natural as eating. In fact it is eating.

TK (TEEN): What?

(DOOR OPENS)

SS (VAMPIRE): How's everything going, Vlad? Are you and Troy having a nice talk?

TR (VAMPIRE): We're doing just fine, my dear.

SS (VAMPIRE): But did you tell him yet?

TK (TEEN): Tell me what?

SS (VAMPIRE): You're a vampire, Troy.

TK (TEEN): A vampire!!!!

SS (VAMPIRE): We meant to tell you a long time ago.

TK (TEEN): I can't believe this! I want to kill myself!

SS (VAMPIRE): Well you can't, because you're already undead. So deal with it.

TK (TEEN): So that's why mom keeps keeps making me these stupid capes.

SS (VAMPIRE): I worked hard on those capes!!!

TK (TEEN): Well what about uncle Bob? Is he-a vampire too?

GK: Did somebody say my name? Hi. How's everybody doing?

SS (VAMPIRE): Bob! What a surprise.

GK: I just dropped by with the steaks ----

TR (VAMPIRE): STAKES!!! NO! NO! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SS (VAMPIRE): Not those stakes, dear. The kind you eat. Very rare.

TR (VAMPIRE): Oh. Of course. Sorry.

GK: I just stopped in at the Catholic gift shop and got myself this really nice crucifix. What do you think?

TR & SS (VAMPIRES HOWLING)

GK: You like it, huh? How about I get you one of your own?

TR & SS (VAMPIRES HOWLING LOUDER)

GK: You know, you guys are so pale---- you ought to take a look at yourselves in a mirror.

TR & SS (VAMIRES): Oh, no no no, that's ok, really. We're okay. We're fine.

GK: Well. Suit yourselves! See you later. (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT DOWN STAIRS)

SS (VAMPIRE): I don't want you to go out with Mary tonight.

TK (TEEN): Why not?

TR (VAMPIRE): You're apt to lose control of yourself, son, and do something you might regret.

TK (TEEN): I don't know why I had to grow up in such a weird family. We lie in coffins all day, and now I can't even take a girl out on a date. Golleee.

TR (VAMPIRE): On the other hand you get to live forever. (LAUGHTER)

TK (TEEN): I hate you! I hate you! (POOF OF CAPE AND BAT WINGS FLYING AROUND)

SS (VAMPIRE): Every time he doesn't want to talk to us, he turns into a bat.

TR (VAMPIRE): He'll be all right.

SS (VAMPIRE): I hope so. ----You hungry?

TR (VAMPIRE): I am. Yes.

SS (VAMPIRE): Me too.

TR (VAMPIRE): Let's go for a walk. We'll get a bite along the way.

(WOLF HOWL, SPOOKY THEME OUT)


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

American Public Media © |   Terms and Conditions   |   Privacy Policy