Fearmonger script
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Listen

(FOOTSTEPS. SHRILL BIRD CRIES. TR PANIC. BIRD SHRIEKING. SS CHILD. TR: No, no— don't take my child! BIRDS SHRIEK. WINGS FLAPPING. SS CHILD CRIES.)

GK: It's Halloween and in time for Halloween we're going to move sunset up one hour so it'll get dark earlier (OWLS) and evil can stalk the land.

TR (DRACULA): Good. It's dark. I can go out now. (BAT WINGS)

SS (WITCH): He he he he he he. I'll just wait here in the gingerbread house for Hansel and Gretel to come trick-or-treating. They'll have a surprise.

TK (ZOMBIE GROANING)

TR (SOUTHERN EVANGELIST): These are the last days as we read in Scripture, the Judgement is at hand and the Tribulation, and I need your help so that I can spread the word, the need is urgent, and that's why I'm holding this gun in my hand.

GK: All sorts of scary creatures out there in the night. The green blob.....

TK MONSTER BREATHING

GK: And vampires of course.

TR (VAMPIRE, SINGS): You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is just a sigh.
So let me put my arms around you
Hello, goodbye.

GK: And there is the Doctor in the attic working on his experiments. (THUNDER, LIGHTNING. TR MONSTER GROAN)

TR (IGOR): You have done it, Master. You have created life out of a collection of body parts.

TK (MONSTER): Food. Good. Wine. Good. Good bouquet and long finish. Ninety-one.

GK: And there are cougars (SNARL) and wolves (HOWL) and black cats (HISS) and ex-wives out there.
SS (COLDLY): Hi, Frank. Remember me? Sarah? The one whose life you ruined? You look happy. Good for you. I'm living in my parents' basement and going through treatment.

GK: You may want to think about that, those of you who live in warmer places where you could actually sit outdoors on Halloween. Thank goodness we can't do that in Minnesota, but there are places where people sit outdoors after dark.....

(NIGHTTIME AMBIENCE. CRICKETS)

SS: What a beautiful night. I'm so glad we moved down here from Minnesota.

TR: Right.

SS: It's freezing up there. And here— in the high 60s. It's beautiful. What a gorgeous sunset. And now— why are you holding that butcher knife?

TR: A what? Oh my gosh. I had no idea.

SS: You've seemed — rather quiet since we moved down here, Bob. What is it? Something wrong?

TR: Yes, there's something wrong. Didn't you notice it? It's the presence of evil in the world. If God is all-powerful, why does He allow evil to prosper in the world while I struggle, unappreciated, working for chickenfeed?

SS: But we have a good life, Bob. Don't we?

TR: I feel like we're on the edge of a precipice and we're just about to begin that long grim slide toward disaster.

SS: Like what?

TR: Who knows? We could wake up tomorrow with a fever and find out we caught a nasty case of leprosy. We could find little piles of sawdust in the basement and find out that carpenter ants have eaten 87% of the house and it's ready to come down like a house of cards. We could find an article in the paper about the terrible side-effects of eating apples.

SS: Relax.

TR: I'd like to. I just feel uneasy. — (GASP)

SS: What?

TR: There's something crawling up my leg.

SS: Oh?

TR: It's crawling up my calf. It feels like a spider.

SS: Grab hold around your knee so it can't get up—

TR: It's above my knee. It's crawling up— what is it? Help me—

SS: I meant to tell you, Bob. I've been raising spiders as pets.

TR: Poisonous spiders?

SS: Yes. Why?

TR: It's — it's— under my shirt.

SS: Don't hit it, Bob. You'll only drive the fangs deeper into your skin. Stay calm.

TR: Stay calm???? A poisonous spider is crawling up my chest??? Why did you do this? This is so weird! So sick!!!

SS: I thought you'd say that.

TR: Raising poisonous spiders??? Why????

SS: Because they're beautiful.

TR: But they're poisonous!!!!

SS: Beauty often is.

TR: It's stopped. Right here—

SS: The spider isn't an "it," Bob. It's a she.

TR: She's stopped. Right over my heart.

SS: She's attracted to the sound of your heart beating. (HEART POUNDING)

TR: Is she going to bite me?

SS: That depends.

TR: On what?

SS: Maybe you should try singing? Sometimes singing can calm them down.

TR: Sometimes???

SS: Sing something and I'll unbutton your shirt and get hold of her.

TR: (ATTEMPTS TO CALM HIS PANIC, THEN SINGS) "Like a bridge over troubled water....

SS: Not that, Bob. Sing something southern.

TR: (SWITCHES INSTANTLY) "I wish I were in the land of cotton, good times there are not forgotten, Look away...." life.

SS: There. Got her. (TO SPIDER) Easy, honey. It's okay. Mama's got you. (TO TR) You okay?

TR: (HIGHER PITCH) Sure. Fine.

SS: I'll go put her back in her box. Be right back. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

GK: One more reason to live in the North.

Just remember to keep your thermostat turned low. Spiders slow down quite a bit around 58 degrees. So do rattlesnakes. (SLOW RATTLE) Of course your bed may get warm once you crawl into it, so make sure you take a baseball bat before you get in and (WHACKS OF BAT ON SOFT MATTRESS) make sure there aren't snakes under the covers. Then take out your duct tape (SFX) and use it to close off the little gap under the doors (TAPING) where someone could insert a hose and pump poison gas into the room. (TAPING) And any cracks in the windows. And then load your gun and put it by the bed. (SFX) And put the carpet tacks around on the floor by your bed so if intruders come in you'll hear them yell. And now lie quietly on your back. (HEART POUNDING) With your helmet on. And go to sleep. All you have to worry about is carbon monoxide. That's all. (HEART POUNDING) Did you check the carbon monoxide alarm? Better get up and do that— first look out for the — (YELPS OF PAIN)

GK: A message from the Fearmonger's shoppe. Serving all your phobia needs since 1954. (GONG)


Old Sweet Songs: A Prairie Home Companion 1974-1976

Old Sweet Songs

Lovingly selected from the earliest archives of A Prairie Home Companion, this heirloom collection represents the music from earliest years of the now legendary show: 1974–1976. With songs and tunes from jazz pianist Butch Thompson, mandolin maestro Peter Ostroushko, Dakota Dave Hull and the first house band, The Powdermilk Biscuit Band (Adam Granger, Bob Douglas and Mary DuShane).

Available now»

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